2016 Drawing To A Close

As 2016 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on what a year it has been.

This year I realized I would not only survive Jared's death but I would thrive.  I would finally keep my promise to Jared and do my best to live. 2016 saw Jared's second angelversary come and go. I always said I would mourn him for two years and in those first two years not allow myself to find any joy or happiness. And as I moved into year three, I realized it could be the year of me. The year I would discover myself. The year I would discover what makes me happy. The year I would finally realize who I am and what I want to do.

I realized I was not just surviving Jared's death, I was using his death to fuel my life.  Life is a gift. A gift that for Jared, was unfortunately cut way too short. But I realized, the best way to honor Jared was to live my best life possible. To take adventures.  To live in the moment. To do my best to have no regrets. To teach Steven that life is truly meant to be lived.  To know that Jared would want me to live and love.

As this year draws to a close, I am keeping my promise to Jared.  I'm finally starting to live.  To live my best life.  And I'm starting to love.  To open my heart to someone new.  To realize my heart can expand.  A part of my heart will always belong to Jared.  But love shared is multiplied, not divided.   And expanding my heart, allowing joy to be part of my life again is the best feeling.  I know Jared would be proud.  He would want me to spread my wings and fly.

I have changed a lot this year.  I realized I could live and that by living I was honoring Jared.  I figured out that allowing myself to be happy, to feel joy again was not betraying Jared.  I realized that deciding to open my heart did not mean I was forgetting my love story with Jared. 

2016 has been a year of growth and healing for me.  I can't wait to see what 2017 brings.

Unexpected Grief Trigger

Damn grief.
Damn unexpected grief trigger.

Here I am innocently cleaning out and organizing my kitchen and BAM the grief monster hits.

I found a bag full of cards Steven's classmates made for him (and some for me) when Jared died.  I had never read them before because it just hurt too much.  But today, with tears streaming down my face and with that ugly cry going on, I read every one.  

The sentiments were faith filled and heartfelt.   Things like "your dad will always be your angel",  "don't be sad, your dad is in heaven", "he'll always be in your heart", "I don't know how you feel but I'm praying for you", and "I think your dad is playing with my mom".   Many of the cards ended with Go Gators or I hope the Gators win.  Which made me smile thru my tears.  But my heart broke.  Broke for my little boy who's dad now lives in heaven.  Broke for all those children who now know that parents can and do die.  Broke for me.

I will save all these cards for Steven.  The love in these cards from 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders is astounding.

But the grief is ugly.  No one talks about the ugliness of grief.  It's not always silent tears running down your face.  Sometimes, it's loud sobs and ugly crying.  With swollen eyes and a red nose and the headache that follows.  Crying can be cleansing, therapeutic even but it is not always pretty.  But it is obviously what I needed today.  A good, ugly cry to cleanse my soul.  And gratitude for children who can express their emotions and show so much love.

6 weeks ago

Today my heart is all a flutter.  Six weeks ago I met someone amazing. A man who truly seems to care about me. To love me despite my faults and all my baggage.  A man who is not jealous of my late husband. But instead ask questions and wants to know our story. And will comfort me when the grief monster strikes. A man who understands that a part of my heart will always love Jared but that my heart is expanding to love him too.   A man who is willing to go as slow or as fast as I am comfortable. He never pressures or expects anything more than I can give.

A man who makes me laugh.  A man who makes me feel things I never thought possible.  Emotions so intense it's hard to wrap my head around them.  A man who makes me want to plan a future. A future with him. A man who takes me as I am. Who understands that I am often honest to a fault.  A man who appreciates my candor and doesn't want to change me. A man who appreciates that I ask a million questions. And more importantly, answers all my questions without hesitation.  A man who makes me want to throw caution to the wind.  Makes me thankful we decided to jump into this relationship.  A man I truly believe was heaven sent to me. A man who is everything I didn't know I was looking for.  But is everything I need.

A man who has helped me to realize that I can love two men.  Two men who are completely different but equally important to me.  Two men who have made me feel beautiful and loved. One who was my past. And one who will, hopefully, be my future.  

Six weeks ago I met an amazing man.  And now I can't imagine my life without him. 

Holidays as a Widow

The holidays are such a hard time for anyone who has lost a loved one. It doesn't matter if the loss is recent or many years ago, the loss is always felt at the holidays. This loss, the loss that pierces your heart makes the holidays difficult. There are less presents under the tree, less seats around the table, often others are afraid to mention their name because they don't want to make you sad.

I have a secret for you. We never forget. Saying their name does not make us sad. It brings us joy. It lets us know you remember too. It's let us know our loved one is not forgotten. Whether the loss was yesterday or twenty years ago, we still think of them. We remember past Christmases with them. And our hearts hurt because they are not here this holiday season. Saying their name is not going to remind us of their death, instead it reminds us of how much they lived. Sharing stories and laughter keeps their spirit alive and ensures they are never forgotten.  

For me, part of keeping Jared's spirit alive and honoring his life is to continue to live.  To move forward.  Even at Christmas.  Especially at Christmas.  Continuing old traditions and starting new ones is a way to bridge my past with my future.  On Christmas, my son and I will each have a present from heaven under the tree.  It's a gift that Jared would have bought for us.  It's my way to remind my son that his dad is still a part of our Christmas celebration even though he is in heaven.  We will share stories of Christmas past and talk about what Jared would think of our new traditions.  No matter where my journey leads me, Jared will always be a part of it.

The holidays can be very difficult for those who have lost a loved one.  Include those grieving in your celebrations.  Say their loved one's name.  And remember that as those grieving move forward they are not forgetting their past love but instead they are honoring them by living a life well lived.

Holiday Reflecting

Christmas is winding down. My family has left.  So now my house is quiet. For the first time in 3 days, I'm alone with my thoughts.  Alone to think about how this holiday made me feel.  

This Christmas was one full of love and laughter.  We shared memories of Jared.  We made new memories.  It felt good to laugh again.  Really laugh.  This Christmas was also one of sadness.  We missed Jared.  Wished he was here.  Made sure he was included in our celebration.   This year the sadness of our loss was obviously felt but we also celebrated the joy of the season.   For the first time since Jared died, we celebrated Christmas with our whole hearts. And it was a wonderful first.

Another first this season was my decision to live again.  To move forward.  And all the emotions that come with that decision.  The excitement.  The fear.  The nervousness.  The anxiety.  The insecurity.  I was surprised to discover that my decision to move forward brought out my insecurities.  I typically think of myself as a self-assured, in control, take it or leave it person.  But this new path on my grief journey has left me feeling unsure of myself.  And that is a foreign concept to me.  One I'm not sure how to handle.  But starting a new path is scary and exciting.  So I will forge ahead and deal with all the emotions.

Just as I pushed thru the holidays until I could truly enjoy them again.  Until I could really laugh instead of just pretend to be happy.  Until I could smile at the memories instead of cry.  Until I could be grateful for the years together instead of focusing on what would never be.   Until I realized that enjoying the holiday didn't mean I was forgetting.  Until I figured out that celebrating Christmas shouldn't make me feel guilty.   

This holiday season has allowed me to reflect on how far I have come in my grief journey.  And just how far I still have to go.   How navigating this new path will require me to face my insecurities.  And realize I can't necessarily always be in control.   Sometimes, I just have to let go and let life happen.

Becoming a Butterfly

Today my emotions are frazzled.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I just need to sort out my feelings.  Feelings that are intensified by grief.  In the last 24 hours, I have learned of three deaths of someone close to me.  And this has me taking stock of my own life.  I know just how quickly everything can change.  That life is an adventure meant to be lived.  That life is too short not to tell people how you feel.  Yet I have been hiding my own emotions for fear that my heart will be broken.  

Exactly a month ago, I met someone.  And he has helped me start living again.  Like a caterpillar in a cocoon he helped me blossom again.  Helping me feel emotions I thought were long gone.  Reminding me how it feels to have butterflies in my stomach.  Making me feel like a teenager experiencing first love.  And I am enjoying being spoiled.  Having someone text me just to say hello.  Call me at bedtime just to say goodnight.  Make me feel special again.  Yet, I haven't told him this for fear my heart will get broken.  For fear that sharing my feelings will make me vulnerable.  For fear that I will be rejected.

And I should know better than to live my life in fear.  I should know better than to let fear stop me from living.  Stop me from being honest. I don't want to look back and think I should have told him.  I don't want to have any regrets.  But I also worry because this is so new.  How can this be real?  Will it change after we see each other again in January?  What if he doesn't feel the same?  What if he doesn't want a serious relationship?  What if he doesn't want long term?  But if I never tell him how I feel, I'll never know. But that's the problem...I'm not sure how to express my feelings.  Not sure exactly what words best describe my emotions.  What exactly do I feel?  It's only been a month, how can I have such strong feelings already?  Are these feelings real or is it just wishful thinking?  

I guess the only way to find out is to jump into this relationship and see where it goes.  Buckle up and hold on for the ride.  I know this relationship will have it's ups and downs. It’s bumps in the road.  Some twists and turns.  It may be forever or it may be just for now.  But either way, I want to experience it.  I want to see where it goes.  I want to see how much I can blossom.  I want to see if this someone new is my someone right, my chapter 2.  I want to find out if my feelings are real.  If teenage lust can turn into adult love.  So I am going to say screw you fear and give this new romance all I got.  I’m going to come out of my cocoon and embrace life as a butterfly.  Here's goes, let's hope he reciprocates my feelings.  That he too wants to journey into the future...with me.

Facebook Status

Today I took a big step in my grief journey.

I changed my Facebook status to widowed.   In 5 days it will be 27 months since Jared died and it finally feels right to change my marital status.  While I will always love Jared, I no longer feel married.  My heart has accepted he is never come back.  That I am truly a widow.

I will always be Jared's widow.  Nothing will change that.  I will always honor him.  Keep his memory alive. Miss him. But, I know now I must move forward. Must cherish my past while building a new life for Steven and I.  Find a way to bring my two worlds together.   Start living life in color again.  Find joy so that my smile reaches my eyes again.  Teach Steven that because of our great grief, we can again find great pleasure in this life again.  That life is a privilege, an adventure meant to be lived.

Changing my Facebook status may seem like a simple thing but for me it is a momentous step.  Finally admitting to the world that I no longer feel married but instead will always be a widow.  That it is time to begin to truly live again while cherishing my past.

Today I took a big step in my grief journey.

Conflicting Emotions

Today is a hard one for me.  No rhyme, no reason just a bad day.  One of those days where I just want to cry.  One of those days where I need to talk to Jared, to hear his advice but of course I can't.  One of those days I need him to tell me it's ok.  

I have so many emotions.  

Sadness because it is another Christmas without Jared.  

Gratitude for all the Christmases we shared.  Joy because I am in a good place right now.  Sorrow because I can't tell Jared about my newfound happiness.  

Worry because this is all new and unknown and I cannot control it.  

Fear that I am moving too fast, too soon.  Angst over trying to make a new relationship work 1000 miles apart.  Concern that the man I'm dating is afraid to tell his daughter about us, despite his valid reasons.  

But surprisingly, I don't feel quilt.

I wish I could share this with Jared because I shared everything with him.  I wish he were here to meet Jon, I think he would approve.  Of course, if Jared were here, I wouldn't have met Jon.

What a conundrum…wanting to tell my late husband about my new love.  The life of a widow...conflicting, crazy emotions.

KO

3 weeks

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

3 weeks since a man literally sat down next to me and completely changed my perspective on grief and dating.

3 weeks since this man made me realize I want to be hugged and kissed.

3 weeks since I wanted someone other than my late husband to hold my hand.

3 weeks since I realized I could laugh, really laugh so that my eyes smiled again.

3 weeks since I realized just how lonely I have been for 26 months.

3 weeks since I realized I could be happy with this man and still love Jared.  In fact, this new man understands I will always love Jared.

3 weeks since I realized finding happiness with someone else doesn't lessen my love for Jared, love really does expand your heart.

3 weeks since I learned that someone can want me and not feel threatened by my past but instead actually want to know my grief story.

3 weeks since I went from saying I never wanted to date again to thinking I really hope my relationship with this man blossoms into something wonderful.

3 weeks since our first conversation and we talk for hours each day.

3 weeks since we met and I want to share my new found joy with the world but my practical side says take it slow, don't rush things.

3 weeks since our first kiss and I can't wait for him to kiss me again.

3 weeks since our first hello and surprisingly I don't feel guilty for wanting this relationship.

3 weeks since our chance meeting and sometimes he reminds me of Jared but I never find myself comparing the two.  This new man is wonderful in his own right.

3 weeks since I first felt butterflies in my stomach and safe in his arms.

3 weeks since I unconsciously decided to move forward with this new man and realized it was ok to be vulnerable to potential heartbreak.

3 weeks since he rescued me and already he is such a large part of my thoughts each day.

3 weeks  since we started on this new journey and I am a little scared by all the emotions and feelings I have and I can only hope they are reciprocated.

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

A Single Kiss

I kissed a guy and I liked it!!

I went on a cruise with my son and met a gentleman cruising with his daughter.  We met the second night after a wine glass broke on my hand and I required stitches.  He went with me to medical and it was nice to have someone offer to help me.  But that's a story for another night.

We spent every night and the afternoons together and it was so easy.  Nothing forced.  Nothing fake.  Just me being me and he is good with that.  Every night we danced.  And laughed.  And it has been fun.  He knows I am a widow and he respects that.  He knows he is the first man I have dated (not sure I can call this dating, but don't know how else to label it ) since Jared died and he was nothing but respectful.  He asked questions about Jared and said he was thankful I had such a great love and that my love story and my grief journey made me who I am. He actually thanked me for trusting him and letting him in.

One night, he asked if we could walk the deck. And I was thinking he might try to kiss me.   I was hoping he would.  The first time I have wanted to be held or kissed by another man in 2 years.  And he did kiss me.  And it was great.  And that shocked me.  But most importantly, it made me realize that I am in a new place in my grief journey.  I no longer want to be alone.  I want companionship.  I want to find love again.  I learned all that from a single kiss.

If someone had told me 2 weeks ago that I would meet someone on vacation, someone that could make my heart race, someone who I looked forward to seeing everyday, someone who made me smile, I would have laughed.  But it happened.

No Longer Counting Months

At the end of October, I realized that October 16th passed and I didn't even notice.  For the first time since Jared died, I didn't notice the date.  It didn't register that it was 25 months since Jared went home.  And at first I felt guilty.  How could I let the 16th of a month pass and not even notice?  How could I just stop counting the months since my love had earned his wings?  Then I realized it was because I no longer needed to count the months.  I am healing.  I realized my new life was blossoming and I was finally starting to accept that.  

I remember the first Tuesday that wasn't terrible.  You see, Jared died on a Tuesday and I hated every Tuesday after that for months.  The first Tuesday that wasn't awful caught me completely by surprise.  I wasn't prepared to stop hating Tuesdays yet but I guess my soul was. And now, the 16th of the month didn't send me over the cliff of grief.   I am surprised at far I have come in 2 years.  I know to some you are thinking about time and others are saying already.  I have learned that no one knows my grief journey but me and that I can't try to please others.  Instead I have to focus on healing myself.  I have to trust in God's plan for me and that His plan includes moving forward and living a new life just as full of adventures as before.

Accepting my new life does not mean I will forget Jared. It doesn't mean that I will stop celebrating his birthday.  It doesn't mean that I will stop honoring his life.  It doesn't mean that my heart will forget the pain of September 16th.   I will always love Jared.  I will always wish he was still here with us.  I will always say Jared would have loved this or I wish Jared could see this.  Moving forward and making a new life doesn't mean I will forget my old life.  Life will forever be marked as before and after.   My heart will always have a scar and have a section reserved just for Jared.  My soul will always remember him and how his love made me feel.  His love made me who I am today.  His love gave me the strength to continue when I wanted to die.  His love encourages me to continue making each day count.  His love for me will shape my future.  Our love will always be a part of my story.  

As I embark on this new life I am nervous. I am scared.  This is uncharted territory.  I have no road map for this trip to my future. I know Jared will be with me and gently nudge me in the right direction.  Our love will guide me.  And when I stumble and fall, Jared will laugh his mischievous laugh and tell me to get back up and keep going.  This new ride isn't going to be a smooth one but I hope I am ready for bumps as well as the twists and turns.

Who knew no longer counting the days on the calendar could mean so much?

Thanksgiving Traditions

It has always been our tradition to travel for Thanksgiving. Instead of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, we have local cuisine. Thanksgiving 2014 was 2 months after my husband passed away. We had planned a trip to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving but unfortunately Jared passed away in September. The trip was already planned and paid for but I told my son I thought we should stay home.  I didn't think I could take the trip without my husband. But my son really wanted to go, he truly believed my husband would not want us to stay home. Packing for the trip was so very difficult. I remember calling a girl friend and telling her I just couldn't do it. And she said, very wisely, whether you go or stay home it's going to be hard. So we went.  And on Thanksgiving,  I forced myself to write a gratitude list so I could see all my blessings in the midst of my grief.  My son was right, it was exactly what my husband would have wanted us to do.

Last year, we decided to stay home.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with friends who are like family and they were so sweet and left a place setting at the table for Jared. So that we would all know he is still part of us and that his memory is always welcome.  And it was a wonderful day.  It was a perfect way to celebrate a day of gratitude while remembering Jared.

But this year we will honor our tradition of traveling over Thanksgiving by taking a cruise through the Panama Canal. While we enjoyed being home last year and celebrating with our friends, for us Thanksgiving equals travel. So we're going to continue our tradition of traveling some place new, eating local cuisine, and making lots of wonderful memories.  All while remembering past Thanksgivings.

Making new memories.  

Honoring old traditions.  

Giving thanks.

Living life.

Keeping Jared's spirit alive.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Even In Grief, New Life Blossoms

When Jared died, my entire world changed. It doesn't mean that my world can't be good, or that I can't be happy, or have a life filled with joy.  It just means my world has changed. But until you have gone through this kind of loss, you can never understand how that loss truly changes your life.

In many ways I am the same person I was before Jared died but in some ways I have changed. And not everyone likes those changes. And that is ok. But what many do not understand, and cannot understand until you are walking this unimaginable journey, is how much the death of your spouse truly changes your entire world. The day Jared died, the world as I knew it stopped. But for my friends and family their world kept on spinning.  Because they have never walked in my shoes, my friends and family cannot understand just how truly devastating his death was to me. The night of Jared's death i went to bed alone. The morning after Jared's death I woke up all alone. I suddenly had a late husband and was a single mother. For my friends and family, they went to bed snuggled next to their spouses thanking God they didn't know how I felt. They woke up the next morning and their life was as it was the night before.

I used to wonder how does everyone keep on living, acting like nothing is different when my whole world has been shattered.  When Jared died, our friends and family were heartbroken too. But Jared's death did not impact them in the same way it did me. It couldn't. For them his death did not alter their whole world. They were sad and they missed him but their family was still intact. Mine was forever changed.  While they miss him, their daily life was not affected in the same way. Yes, Jared is no longer there to attend their parties.  He is no longer there to hang out with and laugh. He is no longer there to harass their children. But for them seeing Jared was a weekly or monthly occurrence. For me it was every day all day. So there is no way his death could have the same impact on their lives. And it took me awhile to realize that.  And now I understand that as much as they love and miss Jared, his death did not shatter their world the way it shattered mine.

I lost my future. I lost the love of my life. I lost the father of my child. While I continue to live and do my best to create a new normal, there's always a hole in my world.  An empty space that is deeply felt, felt on a daily basis. And while my family and friends miss Jared, they do not feel the same constant loss. And I'm thankful for that for this is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy.

I used to wonder how does everyone keep on living, acting like nothing is different when my whole world has been shattered. And now I understand that until you've experienced a loss of this magnitude, you truly have no idea what it feels like or the impact it has on your life.  So when I get upset that my friends or family don't understand, I try to remember it's because they can't. They can't even imagine having their world shattered the way mine was. They can't even imagine life without their significant other. They can't imagine the grief of losing their spouse.  So when I am upset, aggravated, or have hurt feelings that my friendships and relationships have changed since Jared died, I need to remember that grief is a process.  It's a process for me and it's a process for them.  And we don't all process grief the same way or at the same time.

And as my new world evolves and I continue to move forward with making a new life, my friendships and relationships will continue to change because I will continue to change.  My loss will shape my future.  The darkness of my grief will help me to chose the colors for my future.  My new life will continue to blossom as I invision what my future will look like.  But that vision can change because that is the beauty of life.  It is ever changing.

What Does It Means When My Wedding Ring Doesn't Fit?

Four weeks ago, I took my wedding rings off so they wouldn't be stolen on my trip.  When I returned home, I immediately went to put my wedding rings back on.  And they would NOT GO ON!

I was devastated. My wedding set would not go past my knuckle. My anniversary band, my last gift from Jared, went on fine.  Slipped right on.  But wedding ring, nope, nada, nothing.  Refused to slide past my knuckle. I wasn't sure what to feel.  What did it mean?  How could my ring fit just a few short weeks ago and now not fit now?  How is that possible? What does it mean?  Is it a sign to move forward?  Am I reading too much into it?

Fast forward to today.  I still cannot wear my wedding ring.  But I no longer feel devastated.  Maybe it's because I am wearing my anniversary band so my finger is not naked. Maybe it's because I have accepted that I can longer wear my ring.  Maybe it's because I have come to realize that my wedding ring is only a symbol but my love will live on forever.

But, in a strange way, I feel extremely guilty that I am no longer devastated. The mind is a funny thing and guilt is a confounding emotion. I feel like I should still be upset that my wedding ring no longer fits on my ring finger on my left hand. And while I would love to still be able to still wear my wedding ring, I am no longer devastated. I am considering having it sized to fit my right hand.

Perhaps this is a sign of healing. Of just how far I have come on my grief journey in two years.  Perhaps it is an indication that my heart has finally accepted that Jared is never coming home and I am truly a widow.  But it has given me cause to reflect. To realize that I am a different person now than I was the day I married my husband. That I am a different person now than I was when he died. That I am a different person now than when I took my wedding rings off for short weeks ago.  I will always love Jared. There will always be a part of my heart and soul that only belongs to him. And I don't need to wear my wedding ring to know that.

Grief - 2 years later

The 2-year anniversary hit me much harder than I expected this year. I don't know what I expected, but I did not expect the raw grief that I felt. Maybe it was so much harder because I was not at home with friends and family who love Jared as much as I do. Or maybe it was just because two years is so very real. The first year I was kind of numb, grateful to have survived that awful first year. But the second year, that's real.  That's when you know he's never coming home yet life must go on. Our anniversary was also extremely difficult this year. I think it's because I was in a foreign country at a business conference and didn't get to actually celebrate our anniversary. Instead I had to attend a gala dinner. I came back from that dinner and went to my room and all I could think of was Jared and how, if he were still here, we would be celebrating our anniversary. And then I cried. And for the first time in a very long time, I actually cried myself to sleep.   

And I know Jared would not want me to be sad. I know he would tell me that I need to live. I know he would be telling me to get out there, take life by the horns, and make it my own. But knowing that, doesn't make me miss him any less. Doesn't make the ache in my heart feel better. I miss him and wish he was here every day. And this may sound crazy, but no matter how much I miss him, I am so thankful that his suffering has ended.   There comes a time and it is such a guilt-ridden moment, when you realize you are no longer praying for a miracle but instead you're praying for their suffering to end. That doesn't mean you want them to die. It doesn't mean you won't miss them everyday.  It doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It doesn't mean your heart won't break at every grief trigger. It just means that your love for them is more than you ever thought possible.   The moment when you realize just how selfless love really is.  I would take a healthy Jared back in a heartbeat. I would give up everything I own, to have that man walk back in the door. But I would never, never want him to have to suffer the way he did his last few weeks on earth.  

Instead I tried to find comfort that he is breathing with the angels. I know for certain that Jared is in heaven, that is something that I have never doubted it.  And it is something that has brought me immense comfort in these last two years. Sometimes I ask myself what is he doing up there? But I guess I won't know until God decides it's my time to join him.  Until that time, I will try to live a very full life. A life I can look back on and be proud of.  And I will teach my child that life is an adventure and that fear of the unknown should not keep you from living.  These last two years have taught me more than I ever wanted to know about grief  but they have also taught me a tremendous amount about strength and resiliency. And life. And love.  

16th Wedding Anniversary

16 years ago we said I do.

I never imagined I would be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary alone.
No special poems.
No sappy love notes.
No flowers.
Nothing to commemorate our special day.

Instead, I will celebrate our love alone, in a foreign country.

I will never forget the day we vowed to love in  sickness and in health.
A vow we always honored.
Or that vow that has a whole new meaning...until death do us part.

We loved the in sickness and in health.  More than anyone else I know.
But that death do us part, that is a sneaky one.
We honored our vows.
Even after your final breath, I still honored our vows.
But what do I do now?

I miss you, every second of every day.
I will love you till forever.

Thank you for allowing me to be your last love.
That is a privilege I will always treasure.
I pray I can always honor you and our love.

16 years ago today we became husband and wife.
Who knew that 16 years later I would be your widow?
Life can be unexpected and even cruel.
But I will forever grateful for the wedding anniversaries we celebrated.
For all the memories we made.
For all the love we shared.

Happy anniversary Jared.

I will love you till forever.

Taking Off My Wedding Ring

Today, I took off my wedding rings.
Not by choice but by necessity.
And I don't like it.
My hand feels naked.
Like a vital piece is missing.

I knew that the start of year 3 would be the beginning of my self-discovery.  But I didn't plan to take off my wedding set. But my travel to Brazil necessitated that decision.  I was advised to not wear any jewelry I didn't want lost or stolen.  So my wedding ring is safe at home.  And my finger is empty.  My heart is not sure how to feel about that.

Yes, I know it is temporary.  Only 2 weeks.  But it still is an odd feeling.  A rush of emotions I did not expect.  Our 16th wedding anniversary is Friday.  And my hand will be naked as I celebrate our special day in a foreign country.  I knew one day I would take off my wedding set.  Probably move it to my right hand.  But I hadn't planned to do it yet.  Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe my love is trying to give me a gentle push.  Or maybe it's just simply because of my travel plans.

But I know my love is not contingent on a ring.  My heart will always love Jared.  Whether I am wearing his ring or not.  My soul will always be attached to his.  Whether my finger has a ring on it or not.  He will always be a part of my life.  I don't need a ring to prove it. But it sure seems weird for my finger to be empty after all these years.

Today, I took off my wedding rings.
Not by choice but by necessity.
And I don't like it.
My hand feels naked.
I will let you know how I feel in 2 weeks.

Day 731. 2 years today

It has been 2 years today.  731 days.
How is that possible?  So much has changed, yet some things never will.

I will always miss you.
I will always love you.
I will always wish you were here to see Steven's accomplishments.
I will always think of you when something great happens in our life.
I will always think of you when something doesn't go as planned.
You will always be a part of our lives.

2 years ago today at 7:50 pm, I held you in my arms.  Knowing my world was about to change forever and helpless to stop it.  You looked towards the heavens and said “Do you see them Carla?”. I knew the angels had come to take you home.  I kissed you, told you how much I love you, how proud I was of you, promised Steven and I would be OK, and told you to fly home with the angels.  And you did.  You took the deepest breath and you were gone. I know I saw your first heavenly breath.  And though I wish you back every day, I am grateful you are breathing easy with the angels.

So much has changed in these 2 years.  I have less patience but more compassion.  I no longer care about the little things.  I try to not take anyone for granted. I am teaching Steven life's an adventure and should be lived. I am trying to build a new life, one that would make you proud and at the same time find happiness again.

I haven't completely kept my promise, but I'm trying.  When you died, I wanted to die too.  I felt like God should have called us all home together.  But a crazy thing has happened this year, I realized I want to live.  Really live.  And not just because I promised you I would but because I want to.  I want to live.  There is still a lot of life in me.  Still so much for me to see and do.  A whole world to explore. So many adventures to take.

My life will never be the same.  The Carla I was with you died with you.  This is a new Carla.  A work in progress.  But I can do this, rebuild my life, discover who I am now because of you.  Because of the love we shared.  Because of the strength you gave me.  You were one of the strongest people I have ever known.  You never let your disease stop you.  Never used it as an excuse.  I draw on your strength and love each day.  And because of the life God gave us together, I can slowly begin to build this new life. Thank you for loving me Jared.  Your love is my strength.

I miss you every day.  Everyday something  happens and I think I wish Jared was here. But I know you are watching over us, sending me signs when I need them most.  And I'm certain sometimes you shake your head in disbelief at what I'm doing but I also know there are times you say that's my pretty lady, I never doubted you for a minute.  I miss you Lovebug. Every single day.

2 years today.
731 days.
Forever and yesterday…

Year 2 day 7 of 7

Day 7 of 7

On Jared's angelversary eve, I will choose to remember happy times.  Days full of laughter.  His sarcastic sense of humor.  The way Jared would so casually suggest children do something Jared thought was hilarious but would be sure to annoy their parents.  Like the time he decided it would be great fun to put the neighborhood kids in Steven's inflatable ball pit and float them across our pond.  Or show them how to car surf.  Or borrow their ripstick and take off around the block.   And when he decided our 5 year old son should have a motorcycle.

At a party, Jared would always start off quiet and subdued but oh boy, once he loosened up, look out.  One New Year's he brought a pistol full of tequila to the party.  Or the birthday party where he went down the waterslide without spilling his beer.  And our wedding reception where he rode around on his friend's shoulders.  

Jared could be very spontaneous and I have so many fond memories of his “let's see what we feel like doing” attitude.  In France, he suddenly decided I needed to learn to drive a manual and preceded to teach me. In Vermont, he decided we should canoe across the reserve.  In Canada, he raced Steven down the mountain on these snow motorcycle things (I can't remember what they were really called) and wiped out at the end.  In Belize, the first time we went ziplining and he yelled “oh shit” as he repelled down.  

Jared was the yin to my yang.  He was quiet but once he knew you, all bets were off.  I miss hearing his laugh.  His laugh was so unique, just like him.  Oh how I wish I had a recording of his laugh.  So today, I will focus on the good.  The happy.  The mischievous.  The man who loved me until his last breath.  The man I will love forever.  The man who I miss everyday.  The man whose wit could light up a room.

Year 2 Day 6 of 7

Day 6 of 7

Today I miss Jared more than words can say. Today I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to share the load.  I miss Steven having his dad.  No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to fill the void of his dad.  And on days like today, when I am stressed and frustrated it is obvious that I have not perfected this solo parenting thing. But thankfully Steven has many wonderful memories of time spent with his dad. Like the spring of 2008, when Steven was not even four years old and the Grand Prix was in St. Pete. Jared took Steven down for the day and they sat on the bleachers and watched the races. Steven had such an amazing time with his dad.  Jared came back to tell me the story of how they met Danica Patrick. He said she walked up and started talking to Steven and was commenting on what a cute little boy he was. He said then two men approached her and wanted to talk to her and she told him to leave her alone, she was talking to the little boy. He said she finished talking to Steven and she walked away without even acknowledging those men.  Steven will never remember meeting her, but it was a story Jared loved to tell. Every year after that, Jared would take that Friday off and take Steven to the Grand Prix. Steven has so many memories of time spent with his dad. His dad coaching his football team.  His dad coaching his baseball team. Riding the dirt bikes with his dad. Playing catch in the yard. Sitting on the floor playing video games together.  His dad helping him with his homework. Their weekly trip to Joey Brooklyn's for pizza. Jared was a great dad.  And Steven will always know just how much his dad loved him.  When Steven was little, he would always say "me and my dad.". Me and my dad are going to do this. Me and my dad are going to do that. I always wondered if somehow Steven knew that his daddy's time on earth would not be as long as we would hope.  I will always be grateful that Steven has 10 years of wonderful memories with his dad. And I have scrapbooks full of pictures that captured those moments especially this one that captured their matching dimples.

Year 2 Day 5 of 7

Day 5 of 7

I have always loved traveling. When I met Jared, he had never been out of the US . I told him I had the travel bug and wanted us to travel frequently. Our first vacation ever was a trip to Gatlinburg where we not only visited Gatlinburg and Cades Cove, but we also drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and went to see the Biltmore Hotel. After that Jared and I made a list of all the places we wanted to see and when he died we had completed that list except for 3 places. Our first trip out of the country together was a Caribbean cruise. We were traveling with my family and we had a wonderful time except for the part where we the two of us and my nephew were left at Carlos and Charlie's and had to walk back to the cruise ship while the rest of my family went in a taxi. After that we traveled three or four times a year and eventually it became five or six times a year.  My all-time favorite trip is still when Jared and I went to Italy and saw Pope John Paul II and he blessed our marriage. That was truly a once-in-a-lifetime moment and something I will never forget. Many people thought when Steven was born, we would stop traveling. That never happened, we just took him with us. Steven took his first plane ride at 2 months old to attend my friends Benjy and Cheryl's wedding. Then when Steven was 6 months old we flew to New York City because I wanted him to see Santa at Macy's on 34th Street for his first Christmas. I know, a little neurotic. But thankfully my husband went along with it and we had a wonderful vacation in NYC. When Steven was 4, we took a family vacation to San Francisco and thoroughly enjoyed visiting that city and the Muir Woods. After Jared's second lung transplant when he was septic, we decided to head to Europe and visit Spain and tour the UK.   One of my favorite memories of that trip was when we were visiting a sheep farm and got to see baby lambs be born. Steven, who  was 6 years old at the time said  “mommy I thought I saw their penises but it was just their umbilical cords.”  All of the adults in our group cracked up. One of my favorite snow vacations was when we went to Mount Tremblant in Canada. We took a family snowboarding lesson and I was absolutely terrible. I will stick to skiing.  But Jared and Steven loved it and to this day Steven refuses to put on a pair of skis. Jared had always wanted to see Hawaii, so we went. And the water was freezing cold in April so Jared and I decided not to surf but we so enjoyed watching Steven surf . Hawaii was absolutely beautiful and we all have our first helicopter ride together on that trip. And then in July of 2014, we traveled for an entire month. We took a Caribbean cruise, a cruise around the Greek Islands, and spent a week in France. As you all know, when we came home from that vacation Jared was admitted and died six weeks later. Taking vacations and making those memories is something I will always treasure.  Life is an adventure.  Live it!

Year 2 Day 4 of 7

Day 4 of 7

Faith was always an important part of our marriage. Even at our our worst, we never questioned our faith or God’s plan. Jared's faith was,such an inspiration for me.  Jared was not raised Catholic, but always went to Mass. He always said he was Catholic in his heart. He attempted to complete RCIA two or three times but always had to quit the class because he ended up in the hospital. When he was dying we reached out to Monsignor to give Jared the Sacrament of the Sick. That was when our church found out Jared wasn't Catholic.  Because he came to Mass, even though he never took communion, no one ever realized he wasn't Catholic.  So five days before he died, Monsignor came to our home to make Jared an official Catholic. Monsignor heard Jared's first confession, gave him his first communion, and confirmed him. It was such a special day in our home. Jared was finally Catholic in the eyes of the church.  And I am grateful that Steven, our mothers, and myself were all there to witness the special moment.  And if I have one regret, it is that I did not get a photo of that moment. I was so wrapped up in the excitement that it did not even occur to me to take a picture. Can you believe that? I forgot to take a picture. But, in our years together, I captured many photos with our faith at the center.   We were truly a family with God as a priority.  And even though God called Jared home so early, I know He had a reason.  And I know He has a plan for Steven and I.  When Steven was baptized, Father Jeff commented how our family had received 2 miracles...Jared's successful lung transplant and our miracle baby.  We would receive 3 more before Jared died.  I was blessed beyond measure to have Jared as my husband, to know that kind of love, and to share so many adventures.  And through all our ups and downs, we tried to never forgot to count our blessings.

Year 2 Day 3 of 7

Day 3 of 7

In January 2007, we traveled to Phoenix, Arizona to watch the Gators take on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the National Championship game. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for us and I am forever grateful to our friends, the Osteen’s  who made it possible for us to attend that game. When we walked into the stadium that night, Steven looked at the Ohio State fans sitting in our Gator section. He then looked at me and said “mommy don't they know orange and blue Go Gators?” When the game ended, one of the Ohio State fans sitting in front of us turned and said to Steven “I should have known orange and blue Go Gators.”  That's when Jared put Steven up on his shoulders so Steven could see the celebration occurring on the field. During the game, a friend had called to tell me that she had just seen us on TV. I thought that was pretty cool. Jared was really indifferent, he was just interested in watching the game. Since we made the trip to Arizona, we decided to make it into a vacation and see Sedonand the Grand Canyon. When we arrived at the Grand Canyon, Steven wanted to run around. But I said absolutely not, my mommy heart was afraid my child would fall over the canyon. So instead, Jared and I took turns holding him. The Grand Canyon is absolutely beautiful and Jared and I marveled at it's beauty.   But the beauty was lost on our 2 1/2 year old.  Driving back from the Grand Canyon to Sedona we drove through the mountains and they were covered in snow. Steven just wanted to stop and play in the snow, so we did. Jared pulled over and we got out and played in the snow. Mind you, we were not wearing snow clothes and we were soon freezing in our jeans. But it was so cute to see Jared build Steven a little snowman. And then we all made snowballs and had our first family snowball fight. The next morning we traveled to Sedona to see the Chapel of the Holy Cross and the Red Rocks.  The chapel was breathtaking.  It was impossible to not feel close to God there.  And the Red Rocks were just beautiful.  Jared always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and this trip afforded him that opportunity. I will be forever grateful that our family of three was able to make such wonderful memories during that trip.

Year 2 Day 2 of 7

Day 2 of 7

We have always been Gator fans. We truly bleed orange and blue. When Steven was just a toddler, we brought him out on the field on a Sunday afternoon to let him play football on the field. Steven does not remember life without Gator football. He went to his first Gator game when he was just a few months old and has been going to games every season since. But on this day, Jared was on the field throwing the football to Steven and Steven would catch it and run. And eventually Steven got so tired he just laid down in the end zone with his football and didn't get back up. His daddy had worn him out playing football. But the sweetest thing was when Jared took Steven over to the tunnel and said this is where the Gators come out. Steven said Go Gators and took off running. The picture below captures Steven and Jared posing in front of the tunnel and then my sweet boy in the endzone resting after his daddy wore him out. And even though Jared is no longer with us or able to go to the Gator games with us, we continue to go and build more memories and honor him. I'm certain that as we watch Gator football on Saturdays, Jared is yelling and cheering in heaven. And he is proud of his little boy who still loves to run on that field, catch that football, run into the end zone and yell Go Gators.

Year 2. Day 1of 7

Day 1 of 7

This photo is from our first family trip to Disney World. As many of you know, Jared proposed to me in front of Cinderella's Castle. So it was only appropriate that for Steven's first trip to Disney, we posed as a family in front of that same castle.   We spent a long weekend at Disney World and visited Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios.  We had such a fun weekend. We laughed a lot and made lots of wonderful memories.  At first Steven was terrified of all of the characters at Disney and would not get close to them. But after we had breakfast with the Little Einsteins on Saturday morning, he loved the characters and would  run up and give them big hugs .  I think his absolute favorite thing was seeing Lightning McQueen and Mator at Hollywood Studios. When he was 3 years old Steven loved the movie Cars and collected cars from the movie Cars. So to see Lightning McQueen and Mator  was the highlight of his trip. Jared and I so loved seeing his little face light up  with all of his excitement.  At Magic Kingdom, he and Jared  where are the race cars together and of course Jared let Steven pretend to drive.  Their favorite thing was that they beat me to the finish line. After that weekend, we never did go back to Disney World as a family. Steven quickly learned that he loved big rides, fast rides. So instead of going back to Disney, we chose to go to Busch Gardens and Universal Studios.  But I treasure those memories. The twinkle in Steven's eye and the smile on Jared's face, two things I will never forget it.

Last Days

As I sit here, I realized that tomorrow begins my memories of Jared's last week walking the earth.  And I hate that this my journey.  That I am alone.  That I am widowed.  That I have to relive my husband's last days.  That I will again relive each terrifying second of the night my world changed.  And it SUCKS!  It makes me sad beyond words.  Completely heartbroken.  It makes me impatient.  A complete and total bitch. I naïvely thought it would be easier this year, but it's not.  In some ways year 2 has been much more difficult.  I wish I could ran away and hide until 9/17...but I can't.  I have to work because I have bills to pay.  I have a son who needs his mother (no matter how grumpy she is this week).  I just want my heart to not hurt so much.  I just want to smile at our memories, not sob.  I just want to be grateful for his life.  Be grateful for the time God gave us together.  Not focus on what is missing.  And I am grateful but I am also so very sad.  I am missing him beyond words tonight.  The one person who knew how to always comfort me is gone and my heart is broken.  So I will let the tears flow.  I will grieve.  Grieve for what I have lost.  Grieve for what will never be.  Grieve for the man who made my heart go pitter patter. But I will also be thankful.  Thankful for our love.  Thankful for our life.  I will try to find a balance between the dark and the light.  But I fear there may be more dark in the coming week as I remember a great man who made me a better woman.  I miss you Jared.  So much that it physically hurts.

Year 3...the year of me

When Jared first died, my friend, who had lost a baby as an infant, told me to not rush my grief. She told me it would take 3 years before I felt “normal” again. And it was one of the best pieces of advice I have received on this grief journey. In 8 days, it will be 2 years since Jared died.  I have spent the past two years grieving and mourning the love of my life.  The loss of my best friend. And I will always, always grieve losing Jared. There will always be a part of my heart that is scarred and broken from his death. But I am beginning to realize that I have to live. That I have to discover who I am now. That I have to find my purpose in life.

While I will always be Jared's widow, I cannot let his death define me. Just like I cannot allow his death to define his life. I want Jared to be remembered for the life he lived. A life full of love. A life full of laughter. A life with a mischievous grin and a smartass answer. That is the man Jared was. And that is the man that will always live in my heart. But as the beginning of year three without him approaches, I realize only I can define who I am now. Who I want to be. Decide for what I want to be remembered.

Yes, I will always be Jared's widow but I need to be more than that. I will always, always honor that man. With every breath I have I will be grateful for the life that we shared. Everyday I am alive, I will work to ensure that he is never forgotten. But I know God has a plan for me. A plan that includes something for me to create my own legacy. I have no idea what it is. I'm not even sure how to go about finding it. But I know I want to. So, in 8 days as I start on year three, I'm going to find me. And even though things will never be normal again, I want to one day be happy. And not just have fleeting moments of joy,  but instead experience real joy every day. And I know my husband would want that for me too.