When To Pack Your Dead Spouse's Belongings

When do you get rid of your dead spouse's stuff? What do you do with it? Do you donate it?  Give it to family and friends? Save it?  All of the above?

One thing is for certain, no matter what you do someone will judge you for it.  There will be that person who thinks you put items away too soon.  Someone who thinks you waited too long.  Someone who thinks you gave away too much of your spouse's belongings.  Someone who thinks you saved too much. Everyone will have an opinion.  And will firmly believe they should share that opinion with you. But no one knows what is right for you but you.

Interestingly, those who have had the most (and loudest) opinions about my late husband's belongings are those who have suffered their own losses.  And should know better.  Should know that everyone grieves in their own time.  Should know that some reminders are necessary.  Should know not to touch or rearrange belongings.  And yet, they didn't.

I still have Jared's clothes in the closet.  His photos in our house.  I'm just not ready to pack his clothes up yet.  Nor is my son.  But we have set a date that we are going to embark on packing the closet. But what will we do with Jared's clothes?  I have no idea.  One day I would like to make a quilt of Jared's t-shirts for Steven.  Steven can already wear Jared shorts but the pants are too long. And by time they will be long enough, Steven will probably be too big to wear them. So what do we do with them? Most likely we will donate them to people in need. But we haven't made that decision yet. So far, the only decision we've made is that on our date we will put them in tupperware bins and decide what to do with them later.

As for the photos, there will always be photos of Jared in my house. He will always be Steven's dad. And no matter where our future leads us or how much our lives change, that is something that will always be the same. Something that will never change.  And I want to make sure Jared is never forgotten.  That he is remembered.  And that Steven knows his dad will always be a part of our lives.

But I am certain, that at least one person will feel the need to tell me how we should handle Jared's clothes.  When I should put Jared's photos away.   And you know what I will do? I will ignore them. Why? Because their opinion does not matter. The only opinions that matter are mine and my son's. And we will do what we feel is right when the time is right. And anyone with a different opinion, can just keep it to themselves!!

Unknown Future

When you are a widow in love, everyone wants to share in your joy.  And when you are a widow in love talking marriage, you are a hot topic. Everyone wants to know when and where.  But if you are that widow without any answers to the many questions, it can be equally exciting and frustrating.

Yes, I love sharing my journey.  How far I have come.  How I found joy again.  How I opened myself to live again.  How I allowed my heart to expand for new love.  I share my story because I want to give other widows hope.  

But not always having control over my future makes sharing my story difficult at times.  When others try to guess when a proposal will happen.  Or where it will take place.  Or  when the wedding will be.  I don't know the when.  Or the where. I only know one thing for certain...it will happen. Sometime. Someday. Somewhere.

The rest is not up to me.  I have no say in when a proposal will happen.  Or where.  But isn't that supposed to be part of the excitement?  Waiting to be surprised?  Yet, sometimes I'm scared to allow myself to think about it for fear of being disappointed if it doesn't happen.  I know my new beginning loves me.  And wants to marry me.  But I also know he is concerned about moving too fast.  Worried about our children not being ready.  Worried about repeating past mistakes.  

We talk about marriage.  We hypothetically discuss our wedding.  We know we want to marry each other.  But when?  Do we get married next year?  Or wait 2 years?  Even though we both agree that 2 years seems so long to wait.  We joke about a spring wedding on the beach but is that even feasible in 2018?  Not likely since a proposal probably isn't going to happen this year.  A future full of unknowns.

So then what?  I guess I wait.  Wait to see how the future unfolds.  Continue to share my story and keep others guessing.  And someday when that magical proposal happens, we'll start making wedding plans.  And decide on a date.  Until then, I just have to trust that my new beginning will know when the time is right.  For both of us.  However long that wait may be.  But our future together will be worth the wait.  Of that I am certain.  

Five Days in Five Weeks

I can't help but dread this time of year. Most people would think it would be the anniversary of Jared's death.  But the five weeks from Steven's birthday to Father's Day are the worst. There are five grief days, five trigger days in five weeks.  Five days that are a reminder of Jared's  absence. Five days that are a reminder of what will never be.  Five days that are a reminder of what was. Five days in five weeks.

First is Steven's birthday. This year it was a milestone birthday. He officially became a teenager. A day I wish his dad was here to see. A birthday that I wish Jared could have celebrated with us.

Next comes Mother's Day. A day in which I was spoiled, pampered, and felt completely loved.  Yet, I missed Jared. He gave me my greatest gift, my amazing son. And because of that, he will always be remembered on Mother's Day.

Then comes Jared's birthday. This year, this year he would have been 40. And I would have thrown him an amazing party. We will still celebrate with family and friends. Sharing stories of the man that Jared was. We will eat pizza and drink beer, because that's what he would have liked. We will celebrate his 40th birthday. But the guest of honor will be noticeably absent.

Five days later is my birthday.  We never really did anything big on my birthday, I usually had dinner or lunch with my girlfriends.  But Jared and I always celebrated our birthdays together.

Lastly is Father's Day. And on this day, we will deeply miss Jared.  Steven cannot give his dad a Father's Day card. He cannot shop for a special gift for his dad. Steven cannot pose for a picture with his dad. There's no giving Jared a hug and saying Happy Father's Day honey. Yes, we will celebrate Jared. We will talk about him and what an amazing dad he was.  And he will be missed. Missed because no matter how our life changes, one thing will always be the same. Jared will always be Steven's dad.

I am grateful to have so many wonderful memories.  So many days full of love and laughter.  Thankful for all the pictures and videos of those special days so Steven will always know what those celebrations were like.  But while I try to focus on the positive, remember and be grateful for all the birthdays, Mother's Days, and Father's Days we were able to celebrate together, I can't help but be a little sad that we will never get to celebrate those days together again.   That doesn't mean these days won't be fun, joyous occasions.  It just means I am aware that I will have sad moments during these good days.  Moments were my grief is stronger and needs to be acknowledged.   Moments where I will stop, think about Jared, and hopefully smile instead of cry. Moments where I will say I wish Jared were here.

Five days that are poignant reminders that Jared is gone.  Five days that remind us of just how much life has changed. Five days that remind us of what will never be again.  Even though we are in a good place again, happy, and trying to live life to the fullest, we will always miss Jared.  Five days in five weeks.  Is it any wonder why this time of year is hard?

Bittersweet Moments

On Easter Sunday,  I snapped a photo of my new beginning teaching my son how to tie a tie.  And it was a beautiful moment.  I love everything that picture represented.  But it was also bittersweet.  Because my next thought was I wish Jared was here to do this with Steven.  The story of my life as a widowed mom.   

While I am excited for my future with Jon and our future as a family, there will always be times that I wish Jared could be here. Wish that Steven had the opportunity to do father-son things with his dad. Wish that Steven would have the opportunity for Jared to teach him certain life lessons that boys usually learn from their dads.  Wish that Jared was here to celebrate the milestones in Steven's life.  Wish that Steven had the chance to just talk to his dad.

I have come to realize that while Jared will always be Steven's dad, he is never coming back.  Yes, he will always be Steven's dad, his dad in heaven but Steven needs a dad on earth.  And I am grateful Jon is here to fill that role in Steven's life.  That he wants to fill that role. But most importantly, that he understands that Jared will always be Steven's dad.  And that there will always be times when Steven misses his dad. And Jon absolutely understands that.  He understands that certain events, occasions, milestones will be bittersweet.  That even though we will be celebrating together, Steven and I will wish his dad could be there too.

Life will forever have bittersweet moments.   But we get to decide how to address and handle those times.  We get to choose to make sure the bitter does not outweigh the sweet.  To realize that we should hold on tight to those sweet moments and be grateful that we have those moments to celebrate.  And know that Jared is celebrating too.  

Steven was blessed to have 10 years with his dad.  What I wouldn't give for him to have just one more.  But that's not possible.  So instead, I will make sure he never forgets his dad.  That his dad continues to live on through our stories and memories.  That we continue to honor Jared.  That Steven knows it's ok to celebrate new achievements while wishing his dad could be there.   That he knows it is ok to be happy with his new life.  That he knows having a relationship with Jon is not betraying his dad. That he knows there is room in his heart for him to always love his dad and room for Jon.

As a widow mom I just want my son to be happy and welll adjusted.  And teaching him to embrace the bitter and the sweet is a way to start.  Bittersweet moments are a recurring theme in the life of a widow mom. 

Widowed and Dating: Such A Conundrum

Widowed and dating.
Such a conundrum.  

How do you date when you still love someone else?  How do you open yourself to potential heartache?  To potentially losing someone you love to death again?  To moving forward when part of you doesn't want to leave the past behind?   Yet, you are tired of being alone. You want to share your life with someone again.  You no longer want to be a party of 1 forever.

Thus, the conundrum.

For me, it was not a conscious choice. I did not think I was ready to date. Did not have any interest in dating. And then I meant Jon. And all of that changed.  Suddenly, I wanted  to be in a relationship again. I wanted to be part of the team again. I wanted someone to hold my hand. Tell me I looked beautiful.  Give me butterflies in my stomach.  But I still loved Jared.  I still missed my late husband. I still wished he was here to watch Steven grow.

Thus, the conundrum.

And then I realized my past and my future did not have to run in parallel.  That they would intersect and intertwine. That I could move forward, build a new life, and find new love all while loving and honoring Jared.  That the two did not have to be mutually exclusive. My love story with Jared and his death shaped who I am today.  And will continue to shape my future.  That my future with Jon would include Jared. Not in the physical sense, but that he would always be a part of our lives.  Part of my story.  And that's when I hit me.  I love two people at the same time.

Thus, the conundrum.

It sounds crazy to say that I love two men at the same time but I do.  But in completely different ways.  I never thought I could love again.  Yet I do.  Equally but differently.  Jared's death taught me that life is short. That it can change in a moment. To not waste a second of it.  And because of that I think I love Jon harder, deeper.  And I don't want to waste a moment of our time together. Even though I love Jon in a different way than I loved Jared, I love Jon completely.  For who he is. For how he makes me feel.  And it is a wonderful love.  Yet all the while, I know a part of me will always love Jared.

Thus, the conundrum.

I always worried that when I did decide to date, I would compare my new love to Jared.  But I have never compared Jon to Jared.  Jon is his own man.  And deserves to be loved in his own right.  But because of Jared’s death, I also don't sweat the small stuff as much I did before.  Things that drove me crazy all the years Jared and I were married, don't necessarily bother me now.  Like dirty dishes left in the sink.  Lucky for Jon, I have mellowed.  I also thought I would NEVER want someone else to help me parent my child. Because he has a dad.  His dad just happens to live in heaven. But now I see how Jon loves Steven and how he wants to take care of us and I think Steven is lucky to have him. Yet, I never want him or anyone else to forget his dad.  I want Steven to always know how much his dad loved him.  But at the same time, I want him to have a dad on earth, someone to do all the guy things that I can't do.

Thus, the conundrum.

Dating as a widow means dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions.  Trying to sort out how to bridge the gap between your past, your present, and your future.  How to come to terms with the realization that you will always love your dead spouse but that doesn't mean you can't move forward and find new love.  That you don't deserve to find happiness.  That you don't deserve to have a good life again. As widows, we have endured more than our share of pain and sadness. And we deserve to be happy again.  To live life to the fullest. To find love again.  And we shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Widowed and dating.
Such a conundrum

3rd Mother's Day Without Jared

Next Sunday will be my third Mother's Day without Jared. And it always a difficult day.  A day I wish that Jared was here. While Mother's Day will never be like it was when Jared was alive, it is still a beautiful day because I get to celebrate being Steven’s mom. Celebrate the fact that because of Steven, a part of Jared will always live on. We have continued some of our  previous Mother's Day traditions and have also started new ones.  We have continued our traditional dinner with wonderful friends and we have started a new tradition where Steven takes me to breakfast on Mother's Day.  It continues to be a day full of love and laughter. But yes, I always wish Jared could be here to celebrate with us.

This year will be a new kind of Mother's Day for us.  Jon will be here to join in the celebration. It warms my heart to know he wants to be part of our family.  That he wants to celebrate with us.  That he wants to take Steven to buy a card.  Pick out a present.  That he wants to be part of our Mother's Day celebration. And it's nice to have a partner again.  To have someone who wants to take care of me.  Take care of Steven.  And I love that he knows Jared will always be a part of our lives.  Part of our celebrations. And that he not only expects that to happen, but he supports it  He encourages it.

So next Sunday, as we will celebrate Mother's Day I will once again be counting my blessings.  That I am Steven's mom.  That I have the privilege to watch him grow and become all that God has planned for him.  That I can honor my love for Jared while getting to explore my new love with Jon.  That God (and I think Jared should get some credit) sent me a wonderful man that wants to love not just me but also my son.

Even though this Mother's Day will be different, it will be wonderful.  A celebratory day with family and friends.  A day of love and laughter.  A day to be grateful that God blessed me with the most amazing gift, my son.

National Widow's Day

Today is National Widow's Day.  And unfortunately, I am a member of that club.  A club I never wanted to join.  But I am surrounded by some of the strongest men and women I know.  We support each other.  Lift each other up.  Hold each other when we need to cry.  Commiserate about being alone.  Discuss the hardships of solo parenting.  I'm not sure how I would have survived without my widowed tribe.

Many in my widowed community also lose their friends and family when their spouse dies.  But I am also blessed to have amazing friends and family who supported me on my grief journey.  Who continue to support me.  Who are always willing to help.  To listen.  Who help keep Jared's memory alive. Who celebrate my newfound joy.   Who understand that 2.5 years is forever and yesterday all at the same time.  Who continue to miss and love Jared but at the same time are willing to open their hearts to my new beginning.

This widow journey is not one I would wish on anyone.   And given the option,  I would give my widow card back in a heartbeat.  But that is not an option.  So instead I will march on. I will wear the title of widow proudly, with honor.  Being a widow means I was loved until Jared took his last breath.  It was my privilege to be Jared's last love.

Today on National Widow's Day, do every widow you know a special favor. Talk about their dead spouse.   Speak their name.  As a widow one of the most painful things is to the think that others have forgotten your late spouse.  Remember, that our lives were forever changed in a single moment.  Our life as we knew it ended when our spouse died.  The future we had planned vanished, never to happen. Our present became one of basic survival.  We no longer felt whole, complete.  A part of us died in that moment.   And our loss should not and cannot be ignored. Our loss shaped us into who we are now.  Someone new, someone who has lived in darkness and fought their way back to the light.

Acknowledge our loss.  Don't ignore it, change the subject, or refuse to speak their name.  These actions are hurtful, they make us feel alone.  Like an outcast.  Today of all days, honor a widow.  Remember their life before death.  Speak their spouse's name.  Honor a love so deep that even death cannot end it.

To all my widowed friends, I'm sorry we are walking this journey.  That we know this pain. This struggle.  But I am grateful that I do not have to do this alone.  So today on National Widow's Day, I honor my widow tribe.  I honor my love story.  And I will continue to look for hope and happiness.