Christmas 2017 - One Of Change

This year we celebrated our 4th Christmas without Jared. The first one is blur.  It was just 3 months after Jared died and I just wanted to it to be a merry Christmas for Steven.  But I have very few memories of the day itself.   The 2nd one was hard.  I cried as I unwrapped all of our memory ornaments.  So much history with each ornament I hung on the tree.  But Christmas day itself was bearable.  Last year, Christmas was actually almost merry again. Yes, there was sadness but there was also joy.

This Christmas was one of change.  Jon and I are engaged and he was here to celebrate Christmas with us.  For the first time there was a new man in our family celebrating Christmas with us. And it was a good day.  One of laughter.  One of love.  One of family.

Yes, we missed Jared.  We spoke his name.  We filled his stocking with love.  We felt his presence as Steven and I opened our presents from heaven.  Jared will always be in our hearts.  No matter where we are or with whom we are celebrating the holiday.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t move forward.  Start new traditions. Make new memories.  Build our future.

As 2017 comes to a close and 2018 begins, I find myself reflecting on all the changes this year has brought.  A new love.  A new home. A new family.  More blessings than I can count.  I hope as we venture into the new year, I can focus on the good.  The joy.  The laughter.  I have finally realized I can’t control others.  I can’t control the future.  I can’t fix everything. I need to sit back and just relax.  Enjoy my blessings.  And next year when we celebrate Christmas, I am confident it will be exceptionally merry.

Splendor of Christmas

In two days, we will wake up to the splendor of Christmas.  To the magic of the holiday season.  To family celebrating the birth of Jesus.  And this year my family is changing.  Growing.

This year my past and my future will co-exist. Jon will be here and so will Jared's family. My two worlds sharing the magic of Christmas.  Remembering Christmas past.  Enjoying Christmas present.  Looking ahead to Christmas future.

Celebrating Christmas with Jon doesn't mean we are forgetting Jared.  Jared will still be part of our holiday.  Steven and I will write our letters on Christmas Eve to fill Jared's stocking with love.  Our presents from heaven are already under the tree. We will speak Jared’s name.  Often.  It just simply means we will be celebrating Christmas with our family.

We know that the most important gift this season is love. That those around the tree are far more important than the gifts under it. This Christmas we will rejoice in all the love we have been blessed to know.  To celebrate the joy of the season with those we love.

Family

Today I am thinking of my in-laws.  Jared's family.  And how hard it must be for them to see someone new in mine and Steven's life.  To see someone else where we all wish Jared could be.  Should be.

I want Jared's family to know they will always be my family.  Our family.  Always welcome.  Always wanted. I need them. Steven needs them.  He needs to hear their stories.  Feel closer to his dad by spending time with them.

I hope they know that being with Jon in no way diminishes my love for Jared.  I will always love Jared.  Miss him.  Wish he were here. Jared will always be a part of our family.  His name will always be spoken.  His stories will always be shared.  Just because he died doesnt mean he ceases to exist.  Jared will always be Steven's dad. He will always be my husband.  Jon will never replace Jared.  No one ever could.  And Jon doesn't want to.  Jon understands that Jared will always be part of our family.  He encourages it.  He often asks about Jared.  Mentions his name.  In his own way, Jon loves Jared too.

I know it's hard for Jared's family.  But I like to think Jared is happy for me.  For Steven.  I believe he wants us to love.  And to be loved.  Afterall, he made me promise.  And the best way I can think to honor my promise, honor Jared, honor his life is to live our lives to the fullest.  A life full of love and laughter.  A life full of joy.  A life full of family. Jared's family.  My family.  Our family.

To My Daughter's Mother

What do you say to the woman who shares her daughter with you.  Who lets you love her daughter.  Who is willing to let you be a part of her daughter's life  Thank you just doesn't seem enough. 

To my daughter's mom, I wanted to take the time to thank you for letting me be part of her life.  She is an amazing, beautiful, talented girl and it is my privilege to know her. To love her.  Please know that I will never try be her mom.   She has a mom.  A mom who loves and cares about her.  A mom she loves.  A mom whom I couldn't replace if I tried.  But I can be a woman who loves and cares about her.  Who respects her. Who wants only the best for her.  And I wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do that.  I feel honored to share my life with her.  Proud that I can be part of her family.  Grateful to have adventures with her.  I can only imagine how sometimes it must be difficult for you to have me in your life but I appreciate you looking beyond the hardships and allowing me to love our girl.

I don't have the same frame of reference to compare our situations.  My son will never call his dad's wife “mom.”  My son will never split his time between two homes.  My son will never take separate family vacation.  But I would take that over his dad living in heaven.  For him to be able call his dad, spend nights with his dad, travel with his dad.  But, unfortunately that is not our reality.  Instead, we are rebuilding our lives after our devastating loss.  Being a repartnered widow with a young child brings Its own hardships to navigate. 

One situation isn't necessarily harder than the other.  Divorce and widowhood each present with their own challenges.  Giving us different tool kits to navigate our current situation.  I hope that as time marches on, we will learn to successfully navigate this road our blended family is traveling.  And that we will continue to share in our girl's life, adventures, and achievements.  Thank you for making room in your life and your heart for me to love our daughter.

#thankyou
#choselove
#blendedfamily
#ourfamilyisslowcooked
#lovenotfear

Content Despite Stress

Moving.

Surgery.

Recovery.

Unpacking.

Just a few stress factors.

But surprisingly, I don't feel stressed.

I was so afraid of leaving Jared behind when I moved.   Of not feeling him in the new house.  But that worry is gone.  Our first night in this house, I felt him.  I dreamt of him.  Saw him smiling.  He is not tied to any dwelling.  He is wherever I am.  And he is happy for me.

The house will get unpacked, eventually.  Jon and my mom made sure my clothes are accessible, Steven's room is functional, and the kitchen is done.  The rest can wait until my recovery is further along.  

I wish I could fill each room of the house with Christmas decorations.  But I have accepted that I can't. And I'm not going to stress about it.  This year, the basic decorations will suffice.  Next year, the house will be a winter wonderland.  

I was so stressed before surgery.  Before moving.  But now that my surgery is over and I'm in the new house, my stress level has diminished.  My priorities are in the right place. And I feel peaceful.  Content.  Ready to build my future.

Moving is Emotional

I'm moving.

I'm really moving.

The reality of those words is hitting me.

On Monday, the packers and movers will be here to load my memories onto a moving truck. To pack up my life with Jared and put it into boxes.  To carry all my possessions to a new house.  A house that will never know Jared.  My heart will ache as I watch my home for the last 10 years become an empty house.  And tears will fall down my cheeks.

On Tuesday, I will hand over the keys to my house, the home I shared with Jared to strangers.  I will have to say goodbye to our home.  Our home where we made so many memories.  Shared so much laughter.  And said our final goodbye on that September night 3 years ago.  And tears will spill out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

I am really moving.  Everyday this week, I have thought this will be the last time I do this in our house.  Or next week I will be doing this is the new house.  So many memories of firsts in this house.  And now so many lasts.  The thought of closing the doors for the final time makes my heart sad.  Sad enough that I might not be able to fight back the tears.

I am really moving.  Starting a new chapter.  

On Tuesday afternoon, we will receive the keys to our new house. And I will watch the movers unload all my worldly possessions into a house that has holds no memories.  A house that symbolizes a new beginning.  A house that we hope to make feel like home. I'm excited to organize and decorate a new house.  To make it ours.  But as I place a special photo of Jared in our new home, a tear or two may sneak out.

I am really moving. And I fear that Jared won't make the move with us.  That I won't be able to feel him in the new house.   That the lights will no longer turn on and off when I need to know he is near.  I know it's an irrational fear.  My head knows he is always with me but my heart, my heart feels what it wants.  When I think that I may no longer feel his love, my heart hurts.  And tears well up in my eyes.

I am really moving.  Moving into the house that will become my home with Jon. Where we will start our life together.   Make new memories.  Build our family.  And that is exciting.  The thought of moving forward with Jon makes me smile.  

I am really moving.  So many emotions.  Some sad.  Some happy.  Some indescribable.  Change is hard.  Scary.  Exciting.  Monday and Tuesday will be emotional, hard days.  But my future, my future with Jon is exciting, bright. Moving like my widow journey is bittersweet.   And full of hope.

#teamjon

When the love of your life dies in front of you, your life is forever changed. You swear never to love again.  That your heart will never heal.  That you will never let yourself feel again.  To do your best to protect yourself from that kind of pain.

Yes, you go on about your life.  For all intents and purposes, living.  You go to work.  Take care of your child.  Hang out with friends and family.  But never truly feeling complete, whole again.  Yes you are happy.  As happy as you can be.  But something is always missing.  A part of you is closed off.  Protecting you from future hurt.

And then something amazing happens.  Someone comes into your life that makes you willing to risk being hurt again. Willing to open your heart.  Willing to take a chance on love.

At least that's what happened to me.  

At first I worried people would think because I was dating that I was forgetting Jared.  Leaving him behind. That I had stopped loving him.  And then I realised those that knew me and cared about me would know that wasn't true.  I could never forget Jared.   He will always be a part of me.  And anyone in my life would have to accept that.  My new beginning is just that person.  Our relationship quickly went from casual dating to planning forever.

And when I realized my relationship with Jon was getting serious, one of the hardest things was telling Jared's parents.  I wanted them to like Jon.  To know he loved me and Steven.  And that he knew how much we love and miss Jared. And that he wanted Jared to be a part of our life.  But I also knew telling them I was bringing someone new into our lives would be hard for them.  To hear. To see.  But they have handled it well.  Welcomed Jon.  Supported me. Continued to treat me like family.

My family and friends were happy for me.  But cautiously so. They didn’t want me to be hurt.  They worried about Steven.  But over time the caution has disappeared and Jon is just one of the gang.  Fits right in.  Making memories and sharing stories.  My friends even gave him his own hashtag… #teamjon.

A year ago, without any conscious thought, my heart decided to take a chance on love.  To open itself to joy.  To be willing to risk letting someone in my life again.  I will never forget the heart wrenching pain of Jared's death.  Nor will I ever forget the splendor of our life together.   Both of these give me a reason to live.  To take a chance on love.  To say yes to a future with Jon.

And I think Jared is #teamjon.

The Holiday Season is Hard

The holidays are such a hard time of year. During this time of year, I always miss Jared even more. I wish he was here to go to the pumpkin patch. To help Steven carve his pumpkin. To help scare the trick-or-treaters. I wish he was here to go on our Thanksgiving ski vacation. To have a snowball fight. To eat our non-traditional dinner. I wish he was here to help us decorate the house and put the ornaments on the tree. To go to mass on Christmas Eve as a family. To sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus. To see the joy on Steven’s face as he opens the gift he so desperately wanted. To join in all the fun, traditions, and spirit of the holiday season. To share in all the things that he is missing.

This year there have been a lot of changes in my life. And I am moving forward in ways I could never have imagined.  But that doesn't mean that the ache for Jared is gone. This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with Jon.  But I will still miss Jared. People are not replaceable. Having Jon here to celebrate the holidays doesn't  mean Jared absence won't be felt. And as I sit and write my annual Christmas Eve letter to Jared and share with him my feelings and thoughts as the year comes to an end, I will thank him. Thank him for giving me such a solid foundation of love. Thank him for all the holidays that we did get to share together. Thank him for going along with all of my traditions without complaining.

As Halloween rolls into Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving turns into Christmas, and Christmas becomes New Year's, I will often think of Jared. As I watch Steven snowboard down the slopes I will think I wish his dad was here. As I put the ornaments on the tree and Jared's letter in his stocking, I will think damn I wish Jared was here. On New Year's Eve as the clock strikes midnight, I will think it's another year ending and a new one beginning.that will never know Jared.  But I will also enjoy the holidays for all they are now. Count my blessings that I have an amazing son and a beautiful bonus daughter.  Enjoy honoring old traditions and starting new ones with Jon.  Feel the excitement of getting to share that kiss with someone special at midnight.  And truly be thankful that I have been blessed with two endless love stories with two amazing men. And that just because Jared can't physically be here to celebrate the holidays, doesn't mean he won't be included.  

Yes, the holidays are hard. I am constantly reminded that Jared cannot be here to enjoy our traditions and celebrations. But I know that I will always carry him in my heart. That his spirit will be wherever I am.  That there will always be a place  for him at my table..  And that I can still honor him while celebrating the holiday season with Jon.

Giving Me A Daughter

So today I was thinking about how much my life has changed and how much it will continue to change. I went through a heartache I wasn't sure I could survive only to find out I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  And I learned my heart could expand and make room for a new love.  I certainly wasn't looking for love. I didn't even have any intention of dating again.  But then I met Jon, who I swear is heaven sent.  And I decided to jump not knowing if I would find love or heartbreak.  Loving Jon doesn't mean I love Jared any less. People are not replaceable. There's a part of my soul that will always be reserved for Jared. And Jon not only understands that, he respects that. But just because I will always love and miss Jared doesn't mean I'm not supposed to live. That I'm not supposed to love.  And by allowing myself to love again, I have opened myself to a whole new world of life and adventure.

A new world that now includes a teenage daughter. Let me just tell you that it's completely different than having a teenage son. It is going to be a steep learning curve for me, but I'm confident that I can do this.  Because I love this girl. And I love her father. And we are family. Slowly but surely we are finding our way to being a family. I was sitting here thinking how I get to be a part of everything of Steven's life. His football games. His school projects. His activities with friends. And I realized how much I’m missing out on in Alli's life. Because we live a thousand miles away I don't get to see her on a day-to-day basis. I see her one weekend every few months. And the occasional vacation.  Having such limited time together makes it that much more difficult for us to forge a relationship.  How I would love to be part of her daily life. Be there to see her get ready for the homecoming dance. Help her do her hair for prom. Hold her when some boy inevitably breaks her heart. Encourage her when she is afraid to try something new. Cheer for her at the Friday night football games when the band takes the field. Help her spread her wings and learn to fly.   Yes, she has a mom to do all those things for her but oh how I wish I could be there too.  Plus, I would like to think I could teach her different things, show her a different side of life then her mom or dad can.   And I'm certain there are things she is going to teach me. Lessons I am suppose to learn from her.

God brought Jon to me, our family together for a reason.  He is giving me a daughter.  My son a dad on earth.  And our only children a sibling.  And as we venture out to build a life together, make new memories, take new adventures I hope and pray that we all remember to live life to the fullest each day. To do our best to not take each other for granted. To open our hearts to love.  And to never be afraid to jump.  

Memories Don't Need A Box

Today we officially put an on offer on a new house.  Tomorrow my home will go on the market.  And while I am excited, my heart also hurts. Yes, Steven and I will be starting on an exciting, new adventure.  But at the same time we are leaving our home that we shared with Jared.  Jared lived in that house.  Jared died in that house.  Our home, the only one Steven has ever known. How can I just leave all that behind?  I know I'll never leave Jared behind.  His spirit, his memories, his love will always be with us.  But I can't help but feel like this is a goodbye of sorts.

I don't want to say goodbye again.  Last week I was at such peace, so confident in my decision.  Today I'm wondering if I'll actually be able to leave parts of my old life to start my new life.   And if I'm this emotional now what's going to happen when I start packing?  Touching all of Jared's things?  Walking up and down the attic stairs?  Putting our life together in a box?  Emptying the old house and filling the new?

Last night I took pictures of the chalkboard wall in Steven's room. That wall has 10 years of memories on it. Words he wrote when he was only five or six. Pictures that friends drew years ago.  Messages that his dad left  for him.  And as I snapped photos of the chalkboard wall, I thought we are really closing one chapter and starting another. Steven looked at the wall and said I can't believe tomorrow morning will be the last time I see it like this. Our lives are changing and just like his chalkboard wall, it's time to wipe off some of the old so we can make room for some new.

But as we venture out for our fresh start,  our old lives will always be a part of us. Jared will always be written into the future volumes of our lives.  Because no matter where we go or where we call home, Jared lives on inside us.  Our memories are Priceless Treasures  that will always move with us.  No matter where we go, our memories are certain to come along. As my wise son told me a few years ago when I was selling our Gainesville house “it is just a house, no one can take our memories.”  So I guess what I have realized is our memories don't need a box, they live on in our hearts.

Year of Change

This year has been one of many changes. And more changes are coming.  Change can be terrifying but it can also be rewarding.

One big change has been me opening my heart to new love. If someone had told me a year ago that and I would be honoring Jared with a new love by my side I would have thought they were crazy. But that's just what we did this year. On September 16th, Jared's angelversary, we gathered together to celebrate the man we will never forget. And Jon was right by my side. As I sat at the table and looked around, I realized this is what I wanted. I wanted to move forward, to live my best life, to love with all my heart. And it is my choice who gets to sit at my table.  Who is my family.  Who is my tribe.  I'm so grateful Jon loves me for me and wants to be a part of my crazy journey.

Part of moving forward and living my best life is making some life changing big decisions.  Deciding what is best for Steven and I now, at this point in our journey. I have been praying hard for guidance.  And I finally feel at peace.  Comfortable with my decision to sell our home and move to St Pete.  Closer to Steven's school and friends.  Decreasing my commute for work. We have been house hunting for the last 2 weekends and hands down I have a favorite new home.  Now to see if it is where God thinks I need to be.  Will it be easy to leave the home we shared with Jared?  No.  Easy to leave the only home Steven has really ever known? No.  Easy to leave my friends and support network? No. But we will take our memories with us.  Steven will have new adventures in our new house. My friends and I will still get together, distance won't end our friendship.  

Change can be so frightening. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of letting go.  But it can be so exciting to start something new.  This year has been full of changes.  I can't wait to see what other new adventures await me.

Surviving 3 Years of Grief

Saturday will mark three years since Jared went home.  Three years since I last heard his voice.  Three years since my world changed.  Three years since I held Jared in my arms as he took his last breath.  Three years since I watched his face as he realized the angels were there to carry him home.  Three years since I kissed him as he left his earthly home to join Our Father in heaven.  I have never felt so helpless. So lost.  So empty.  My world forever changed at 7:50 pm on September 16, 2014.  Life immediately became before and after.  I couldn't imagine surviving that night. Or the next day. Or the next week. Or the next month. And definitely not the next year. And yet, somehow, I have survived three years.

I will never forget the gut wrenching pain I felt that night and for many nights to come. I will never be able to erase Steven's sobs of heartache from my memory.  I will never again be the person I was before that night.  That girl died with Jared.   Now words like widow and late husband are part of my daily vocabulary.  Hearing my son say “I wish my dad was here” or “my dad lives in heaven” is part of our everyday life.  Jared's death forced me to create a new normal.  Figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.  Be both mom and dad to a grieving child.  Always be the disciplinarian and still try to be the fun one. And more often than not, feel like I was screwing it up.  But one thing I never did, I never gave up.  I never quit.  Somehow, somewhere, deep in my soul I knew I was going to be ok.

I drew strength from my son, my friends, my family, and my faith.  And I survived.  And in this last year I have learned to live again.  I have opened my life to new adventures.  My heart to new love.  And my soul to be restored.  And I know Jared would be so proud.  Proud that I kept my promise.  Proud that I am honoring him by living my best life. Proud of the young man Steven is becoming.  Proud of how we are keeping his memory alive.  Proud that I once again laugh and dance in the rain.

Yes, my heart has a permanent scar, a scar that reminds me of my love story with an amazing man.  A scar that reminds me that love was worth the pain. A scar that says live because he can't.  Three  years ago I wanted to die.  Couldn't imagine life without Jared.  Was pissed that the world didn't stop for my grief.  But today, my scars from grief remind me just how far I have come.

Three years ago I was forever changed.  Jared's death changed me in ways I could never describe. But it also forced me to grow and adapt. His love gave me the strength to move forward. And it has taken a while, a lot of hard days and harder nights, but I’m beginning to like the person I am now.  And as I continue to move forward and build a new life, Jared's love will always inspire me.  

Three years feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. Not a day goes by that I don't love and miss Jared. That I don't wish he was here. What I wouldn't give to have him here by my side.  But I am comforted knowing he is sitting in heaven, holding my spot.  And someday, I will see him again. 

Not The Worst Day Of My Life

3 years ago today I was told Jared was going to pass and pass quickly. I remember being shell shocked. Had no idea what to do or who to call. And I remember clearly thinking this is the worst day of my life. But it wasn't. I didn't know at the time but eight days later would actually be the worst day of my life. Instead that day and the ones that followed became ones of love. Friends and family came to see Jared. Tell him how much they loved him. Admired him. Respected him. How much he had inspired their lives. I got to see my dying husband hold our son and comfort Steven as his heart was breaking.  And hear him tell Steven just how much he loved him. How he would always love him. And that when Steven was happy on earth, Jared would be happy in heaven. I got to lay in the bed with Jared and just feel the love between us. Hear him say I love you, Carla. How beautiful those moments are.  And I am so grateful to carry them with me today.

I don't know how many people came to see and pray for Jared that day. But God was very present in that room.  I was privileged to witness the strength of Jared's faith. He told me he wasn't afraid to die.  That he knew he was going to heaven but that he hated to leave me and Steven.  And Steven’s faith...wow.  The faith of a child is an amazing thing. And Steven’s faith continues to amaze me everyday.  

So instead of focusing on the sorrow of that day, I'm going to focus on the positive. I'm going to focus on the love. The family. The faith.   I'm going to focus on the fact that God answered  Steven’s prayer and gave us a few more days with Jared. Days of memories to last us a lifetime.

And I hope as this week continues and I remember Jared's last week on Earth, that I can hold on to that love.  That faith.  That miracle of extra time.

Death Changes A Child

In a few weeks it will be 3 years since Jared died.  Telling Steven his dad died was the second hardest thing I have ever done.  Seeing Steven's heart break and knowing I had just taken a piece of his innocence is something I will never forget.   And I remember thinking, I hope this doesn't change him too much.  Because I was certain it would change him.  How could it not?  Losing his father at the age of 10 would definitely have an effect on his life.  But to what extent?  Would he lose his faith?  Would he lose his gentleness?   Would he no longer feel safe?  Would he worry that I would die too?  Would he see the world as an evil place because death was suddenly very real? Thankfully, none of that happened.

Instead, Steven developed a stronger faith.  Sees the world as a place where love grows. Tries to be joyful because his dad told him that when he is happy on Earth, his dad would be happy in heaven.  He is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  He is compassionate, the first to offer comfort when someone is sad or hurt.  He is patient and kind.  Believes life is all about adventure.  Understands that none of us are promised tomorrow so live for today.  

His dad's death changed Steven.  Just not in the ways I feared.  Instead, it made him into a young man with an amazing heart. A young man of whom his dad would be proud.  Because of Jared's death, because we suffered through the worst trauma of our lives together, Steven and I have a bond that can never be broken.  

Yes, Jared's death changed Steven. It shaped him into someone who knows that he can overcome anything.  It showed him that with faith, love, and laughter you can persevere, survive, and thrive.  But most importantly, I hope it taught Steven that even though his dad is not here on Earth, Jared will live forever in his heart.

My New Normal

I talk about Jared because he was and will always be a part of my life. I want people who come into my life now to know about him. And I want the people who are going to come into my life to know about him. That doesn't mean my heart is still broken and every day is full of grief and pain.  It's not.  I've come a long way in my grief journey. And now truly most days are happy. Full of joy and gladness. Do I still have bad moments? Absolutely. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. But they are fewer and farther between now. Most days I smile a real smile. Not that fake smile to make others feel better but a real smile because my heart is happy.  And I chose to share my journey.  Honestly and without sugar coating it. The good and the bad.  The grief and now my joy.   Because this is my normal.  My life.

Life is all about the balance. Finding the balance between the bitter and the sweet. Finding the balance between grief and joy. And one of the biggest things I've learned is not to let fear steal my joy. Everyday I have a choice whether I'm going to be happy or sad. And I choose to be happy. I choose to live in the here and now. I choose to plan my future. That doesn't mean I will ever forget. That's not possible. But it does mean I'm moving forward in creating my life.  A life that includes loss and love.

Angelversary and New Love

As Jared's angelversary approaches, I find myself an emotional mess. I don't remember last year or the year before being as hard as this one. And I think some of the difficulty is due to the fact that I'm in a new relationship. I knew how to handle grieving for Jared when it was just me and Steven. But I have no idea how to handle it with a new love.

I want Jon to be here to comfort me.  To help me thru the difficult weekend.  To hear the Jared stories. To learn about the man who was my first love.  To join me on this widow journey.  But I'm also nervous that I won't know how to handle it.   That the weekend will be a disaster.  I'm not quite sure how to honor and celebrate Jared with my new love by my side.

How do I explain how much Jared meant to me?  That his love made me who I am today?  That his death changed me forever?  That the weekend is going to be one full of memories both happy and sad? That I will laugh and cry, possibly at the same time? That I'm going to be so focused on surviving that I may have nothing left to give?  That it is a day for me to feel what I feel without worrying about anyone else?

How do I handle all these emotions? How do I blend my past and my future?  I guess only time will tell.  But I know Jon loves and supports me so I'm confident I'll figure it out.  And the next time will be a little easier.  Hopefully.

Love After Loss

As a widow, one of the hardest things for me was opening my heart up to new love.  When you open your heart to new love, you take the risk of having it broken. You risk that your new love will also die. And as someone who has suffered through the death of their spouse and the grief that comes with that loss, death is not something you want to live through a second time.  But as a widow, I also know the love was worth the pain. I would do it all again. Jared’s death and the grief I have endured for the last three years in no way compares to the love that we shared.   Our relationship, our love story was worth every second of the pain.  

When Jared died, I swore I would never date again. Would never fall in love again. And 9 months ago, when I met Jon on that cruise ship I had no idea I was ready to date. Meeting someone on the cruise ship was safe. It was fun. But it had an end date. I knew the cruise would come to an end and most likely this new whatever it was would be over. It made me feel safe. But by the end of the cruise I knew it was not just a cruise ship fling, I knew I wanted it to be something more. And we started making plans to see each other after the cruise. And as much as I hate the distance now, then it was a lifesaver. We did not see each other for six weeks after the cruise. But we talked for hours every day. We got to know each other in a very deep, meaningful way. We shared secrets. We shared stories. We asked each other (okay I asked him) a ton of questions. It was pretty much a no-holds bar, let's get to know each other and see if this is going to work six weeks.

And it did. Better than I ever expected. But, I think if Jon had lived close by I would have been too scared to open my heart and would have pushed him away. The fact that he lives a thousand miles away made him safe. Made it easier for me to open my heart again. Showed me that my heart could expand to make room for new love.  That this new love is worth the risk of pain.  That I deserve love and happiness.  But I had to be willing to take the risk.  To jump in with both feet.  And I'm so grateful I jumped.

But as Jared's angelversary approaches, I find myself struggling. It is a reminder of the very worst day of my life. The day my world changed. But I consider myself blessed that Jon wants to be here for that day.  That  he wants to honor Jared. That he knows my love for Jared will never end. And that he also understands that my love for Jared does not take away from my love for him. Just as my love for him does not take away from my love for Jared. That my heart has room to love both of them.  But this will be the first time I've celebrated Jared with my new love. Once again, my two worlds are intersecting.

And it's because of my love with Jared that I could open my heart and risk finding love again.  I consider myself very blessed to have two great loves. And if I had shut my heart off after Jared died, I would have missed out on all the joy I am experiencing now.  Yes, love after loss is scary. But not nearly as scary as the thought of spending the rest of my life alone.   

I'm Your Mom, Not Your Friend

I always think of myself as the “mean” mom.  I am fairly strict.  Have rules.  Set expectations.  Believe in consequences when rules are broken.  Yes, I pick my battles but certain things are not negotiable.  So I never think of myself as the “fun” parent. But recently I was told I was wrong about that.  I was reminded that I live life to the fullest.  Rarely say no to an adventure.  Think nothing of hopping on a plane and heading off to someplace new.  Encourage others to realize that life is short so go out and  live it.  So I guess, in that sense I am the “fun” parent.  Who knew being adventurous could make me the “fun” mom?  

But I am still the mom.  And it's my job to raise a responsible, productive, able to function in society adult.   Do I want to have fun, take adventures, and make unforgettable memories?  Absolutely.  So for me, it all comes down to balance.  Finding the balance between the rules and the fun.    I believe that when children know the rules, the expectations, and have structure they thrive.  And that allows us to focus on the adventure, the fun, and the laughter.

I always say I'm your mom not your friend.  But what do I mean by that?  Does that mean I don't like you, my dear, sweet child?  No, of course not.  It means friendships, especially at your age, can come and go but I'm here for the long haul. To me, it means I have your best interest at heart.  I will respect you and I expect you to respect me.  I'm always on your team.  Will always tell you the truth.  Set limits and boundaries to keep you safe.   Be your biggest cheerleader.  Push you to be your best.  Be there to help when you fall.  Won't accept inappropriate behavior.  Nor will I look the other way when you make a poor choice.  Will do my best not to judge you.  Will help you find a solution to your problem. I am always here for you.  I love you.  No matter what, I love you.
And once you become an adult, we will then (hopefully) become amazing friends and I might even hear a “thanks mom.”

Here's to finding the balance.  I will never be the perfect mom but I'm trying to be the best mom I can be.  And I hope someday Steven and now Alli can say “mom did her best.  She always loved me, encouraged me to experience all this world has to offer, told me to never give up, and helped prepare me for this thing called life.”   Is that too much to hope for?

Emotional Mess

The start of football season and the first day of school serve as reminders of what is missing and what can never be.  These days remind me that in a few weeks I'll mark another year off the calendar.  Another year of things Jared missed.  Another year of Steven saying I wish my dad was here.  Another year of being afraid of forgetting.  Another year of life continuing without him.   

And for the first time, I'll mark off that year with a new love in my heart.  And that just makes for lots of conflicting emotions. I've never done this as part of a couple.  And I don't have the foggiest idea how to do it.  I want Jon to know Jared. To understand that Jared's life and death will always be part of my life. To help me honor Jared's life.  And Jon wants to do that.   So why am I an emotional mess?

So many emotions.
Joy.  Sorrow.  Grief.  Love.  Gratitude.
Just to name a few.  

I'm trying to find the balance between my grief and my joy.  Juggle the bitter and the sweet.  Honor the life of my first love with my new beginning standing beside me.  Remember that because of Jared, I am able to love Jon so completely.  Let my heart feel whatever it needs to feel.  Because death does not end love. And time cannot steal my memories. 

Emotional mess or not, I have the tools to get through this current storm and come out stronger because of it.

Memories and Tears

We are in Rome.  I absolutely love this city.  I'm so excited to share it with my mom, Steven, Jon, and Alli. But my heart aches.  The last time I was in this city I was with Jared.  We honeymooned here and had our marriage blessed by Pope John Paul II.  Coming back here without him makes me realize how much he will never see.  How much he will miss.  How very much our lives are changing.  Jared would have loved to share the history and beauty with Steven.  But he can't.  So instead I am sharing my memories of the time Jared and I spent in Italy with Steven.  Sharing our stories.  Keeping his dad alive.  Making sure Jared is never forgotten. 

Standing on the steps, waiting to enter Vatican City, I could feel tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks.  Then as we attended mass at St Peter's Basilica, I looked up at the stained glass, saw the eagle, and felt Jared in the sunlight coming through the window.  His love was so strong, like he was there with his arms wrapped around me. And the tears freely flowed down my cheeks.  Tears of sorrow for what can never be.  Tears of happiness for what I was blessed to have for so many years.  Tears that I was not ashamed to shed.

And as I cried for my first love, a man that I will love forever, my new love held me. Asked me to tell him about my time here with Jared.  Told me to cry whenever and however long I needed.  Understands that death does not end love.  That Jared will always be a part of my life.  And that my heart has room to love them both.  

The duality of loss.  

Embracing the bitter and the sweet.  

Balancing my grief and my joy.  

Honoring the past while moving forward.

Knowing that love never dies.

Memories, new and old.  As I pack for us to leave tomorrow to take our European cruise, I can't help but think that the last time I packed my family for a European cruise Jared was with us. It was this same time of year 3 years ago we embarked on our journey to cruise Greece and Turkey and then spent a week in France. At the time we had no idea it would be our last vacation together.
Most of the places we will be visiting in the next two weeks, Jared never got the chance to see. But Italy, Italy is different. That is going to be a harder destination for me. We honeymooned in Italy. Had our marriage blessed by the Pope. Started our bucket list of vacations there. So as we walk the streets of Florence and Rome, I will share with Steven memories of the time his dad and I walked those same streets.

And of course, we will make new memories on this trip. It is my mom's first trip to Europe. I am so excited for her to see and experience all there is. I'm excited for Steven to have these new adventures and to see where his dad and I honeymooned. And I'm excited that we get to make new memories with Jon and Alli.  To stand on top of the Rock of Gibraltar. To see the Leaning Tower of Pisa. To tour the Top View at La Sagrada Familia.

Once again, my past and my future are intersecting. It seems my past and my future will always be connected. And to me, that’s perfectly normal. Just as it should be.

Never Have Too Much Love

When Jared died, I swore I would never date again. Never love again. Never let someone else parent my child.  Well, how things have changed. 26 months after Jared died, he sent me an incredible man. A man who loves me and my crazy widow life. A man who understands that a heart expands to find new love. So last December we decided to officially start dating. There goes that first never. A few months later I was head over heels. There goes that second never. And now we are planning our future. Discussing how to raise our children. Did you hear that last never just fall away?

But none of these decisions were easy. And I didn't make any of them lightly. Steven is always and will always be at the forefront of my mind when I make these kinds of decisions. I worried if anyone could love him like their own. Especially if that person had children, could they love Steven the way they love their child or would there always be a difference between our children? I can honestly say Steven is blessed to have a man in his life who loves him like his own.  Who will treat him like his own.

Yet, Jon does not know the stories of Steven's first 12 years. He can't share in the memories of his first words, his first steps, his first day at school. Those are memories that I share with his dad. And that makes me sad. Makes me sad that the parent that shares those memories with me is no longer here. And can no longer share those times, those memories, those stories with Steven. Yes, Jon loves Steven, no doubt about that. And we are going to make many new memories. Have many news stories to share. But that doesn't take away that his dad is gone. That Jared won't be there to share in our new memories. To take new adventures with Steven.  To teach him all the things a boy learns from his dad.  His dad in heaven will always be watching over him. Always. Jared will always be missed. We will always say I wish Jared was here.  

But now Steven will have Jon to support him, guide him, and teach him.  And bonus, he's getting a big sister. Our two only children will now have a sibling. And yes, we know, that's going to be interesting!  And it's going to take a lot of work. And a lot of time. Blended families don't happen overnight. But with work, communication, respect, and most importantly time, we are hopeful that we will be successful.

8 months ago, I learned to never say never.  And since that time, my world has grown.  I have learned love shared is multiplied.  That my heart can expand to love more than one great man and more than one child.  That my past will always be connected to my future.  That letting someone new love into your life allows your child to learn how much love the heart can hold.  Yes, I had worries about sharing my child with someone new. But when that someone new opens their heart to love you, your child, and your dead husband nothing but good can come from that.   And now I know that we can never have too much love.  

Growing Old Together

When I married Jared, I could never imagine that we would grow old together.  You see, Jared was sick when we met.  Was waiting for a lung transplant.  So I knew that the chances of us growing old together were slim.  Almost nonexistent.  I never allowed myself to imagine our future.  To see us sitting on rocking chairs watching our grandchildren.  I am grateful for the years we had together.  The time.  Even though it couldn't last for forever.

But now I can imagine my future.  Imagine growing old with someone.  With Jon.  For the first time, I can see myself sitting on that rocking chair.  Watching our grandchildren play.  Holding hands in our old age.  Enjoying our twilight years.  Feeling loved even when I'm old and gray.

And I realize there will be three of us in my future.  Jared and I will grow old together.  Just differently than I imagined.   Jared will always be a part of my future.   And he will always be watching out for me, for Steven, and our grandchildren.  But I won't be sitting in a rocker next to him.  Holding his hand.  Instead I will feel him in the sunlight.  Hear him in the waves.  See him in Steven.  Instead it will be Jon who I'm sitting by.  Jon's hand I'm holding.  Jon who I grow old with.  

How blessed am I?  To have found two great loves.  To have a new love that understands and respects my first love.  To have a new beginning that makes room for my dead husband.  To have a future with a man who loves me, all of me.  

My past, my present, my future.  They will always intersect.  Be interwoven. Grow old together.  

Sorry I Couldn't Save You

I was watching a movie yesterday and the main character asked if his wife forgave him for not being able to save her.   A question I have asked myself a million times.  Does Jared forgive me for not being able to save him?  Does he know I did everything I could?  Does he know I would give anything to have him back?  Does he know a part of me died that day too?

In my heart I can hear him say there is nothing to forgive.  That I did not have that kind of power or control.   That it was part of God's plan.  That he is right where he is supposed to be, breathing with the angels.

But does he really know?  Know how much I love him?  Know how much I miss him?  Know how much his death changed me? Know how much he still impacts our lives everyday?

I guess this is where faith comes in.  Faith that God is in control.  Faith that I will one day see Jared again.  Faith that Jared does indeed know.  Faith that can move mountains.  Faith that Jared would tell me to forgive myself and let it go.  Faith to soar with birds and be free.

Weaving The 2 Chapters Of My Life

Last week I did something I never thought I would do. I took my new beginning to meet Jared.  

It was completely unplanned.

We were driving through town and I asked Jon if he would mind if we stopped at the cemetery. He didn't even hesitate. We stopped at the store to buy flowers and a Twix bar since Steven always leaves candy for Jared.  At the cemetery I told Jon he didn't have to get out if he didn't want to. He looked at me like I was crazy. He was very sweet and followed behind Steven and I giving us some time alone. When we arrived at the graveside, Steven and I knelt to clean off the headstone. Steven then placed his Twix on the ground for his dad and said hello.  He then went to climb the wall around the cemetery. That is what he does. Jared once told Steven that when he was having fun on earth, Jared would be having fun in heaven. So Steven always finds a way to have fun at the cemetery. As I watched Steven climb onto the wall, my heart began to ache. No little boy should have to visit his dad at the cemetery. And again I wished with all my soul that Jared could be with us. And I just started to cry.  

As my heart broke, Jon wrapped his arms around me and held me. He held me as I cried for Jared.  Cried for what was.  Cried for what can never be.  Cried for a little boy trying to make his dad smile in heaven.  Cried for a wife, now a widow, trying to make her husband proud. Cried for a man gone too soon. And when my sobs stopped, Jon wiped my tears.   He then went to help Steven and give me a few minutes alone with Jared.  When they returned to the graveside, Steven and I kissed Jared goodbye and headed back to the car.  Once again, Jon let us walk ahead giving us some time.  

I never imagined that I would ever be introducing my new love to my first love.  And especially not at the cemetery.   But life does not always follow our plan.  Surprisingly, it just felt right.  Jon needed to see that part of our lives.  And it seemed the  appropriate time.  I didn't need to go to the cemetery to tell Jared about Jon but, for some reason, I wanted to.  Once again, weaving the two chapters of my life together.

Take A Chance On Love

This week I have been thinking about love.  And how it changes.  Changes people.  Changes relationships.  Changes over time.  Love changed my life 19 years ago and again 7 months ago.   Compared to a year ago, my life has changed dramatically because of love.  While grief will always be a part of my life, love has helped heal my broken heart.

Opening myself up to love after loss was by no means easy.  It was absolutely terrifying.  Asking Steven to open his heart to love and accept others into our family was not a conversation I had ever envisioned having.  But it was an opportunity for us to talk about how our hearts are capable of expanding to love multiple people.  Thankfully, he is such a warm, kind, loving kid with a heart that knows no limits.  And now that I know what we would be missing out on if we had closed off our hearts to love,  I am grateful fear did not stop us from taking a chance on love.

My hope is that people will realize that love shared is multiplied, not divided.  That people are capable of loving more than one person. That new love does not diminish an old love. That we can never have too much love.

Love can heal so many wounds.

Love can open us up to so much joy.

Love can be wonderful, especially when shared.

We can't have too much love.

Time To Stop Being A Planner

I used to think of myself as spontaneous, even though I tend to be somewhat of a planner. I always plan our vacations well in advance because we have a timeshare with Marriott and if you want the best locations, you have to sometimes book a year ahead. So while I've always booked our vacation spot early I didn't necessarily book what we would  do. We would come up with a list of the must-sees while we're on vacation and then everything else was a bonus. We would wake up each morning and decide what we were going to do that day. And some days we did nothing. What Steven still lovingly refers to as a resort day.

But since Jared died, I find myself planning out my life. Not just vacations. But specific details.  Trying to put everything on a timeline.  In a tidy space.

And it hit me. I've become a planner as a means of control. I had no control over Jared's illness. I had no control over his death. When he died my world spun out of control. So planning became my way to have control.  To avoid the unknown. To not have to stop and think. And especially to not have to feel. If I planned out my life and I knew exactly what was going to happen and what to expect, there would be no surprises. Then I would not have to worry about my world spinning out of control again.

But I realized last night, that I can't plan everything. That I don't have the power to control and plan everything and everyone around me.  And maybe it's time to relinquish some of that control. To go back to being spontaneous. To just waking up in the morning without a plan for the day.  To just have faith and see what happens.  To just let go and enjoy all life has to offer.  To see what wondrous things can happen when I'm not planning out every detail.

New Adventures

On Friday my new beginning is coming to town and we are embarking on a new adventure.  Our first road trip.  Our first flight together. Spending time alone with each of our children.  Trying to forge a family bond.

We are driving Steven to Boy Scout Camp.  And Jon is flying in to make the trip with us.  We'll spend hours together in the car.  Time to talk.  To play car games.  To be a family.  My wish is that the time together will bring Steven and Jon closer together.   Help them to develop and solidify their relationship.  Because if all goes as planned, Jon will be Steven's dad on earth.  And I want Steven to love Jon.  And I pray Jon can love Steven just a fraction of how he loves his daughter.

I'm going to meet his mother.  The woman who raised the man I love.  And I hope she likes me.  What if she doesn't?  Will our relationship survive if his mom doesn't approve?  Can she understand that I will always love Jared and yet my whole heart loves her son.  That I won't be perfect but I will do the best I can to make Jon happy.

And then I'll be spending a few days in Texas.  Jon has to work during the day so depending on her schedule, Alli and I might have a lot of time together.  And I hope she lets me in.  Let's me be part of her life.  Accepts me.  And eventually grows to love me.  I desperately want us to be a family but I can't force it.  If I force it or push too hard, she'll push back.   She is Jon's whole world and without her acceptance and approval, I'm not certain our relationship will go the distance.  So I will do my very best to show Alli how much I care and love her without threatening her relationship with dad.

And this is just our first adventure. Our first adventure of many.  Fingers crossed, we will have years of fun, family adventures.