Lonely Saturday Morning

Today my heart is heavy. And I don't really know why. It's not a special day, not an anniversary of any sort, no special memory to trigger my heart ache. But today my heart just hurts from missing my husband.

Today I just woke up with the ache of missing him. And it's something people who have never suffered great loss cannot understand. Grief comes in waves and sometimes those waves make you think you're going to drown and other times those waves are easy to surf. Even on a good day, a wave can come out of nowhere and just knock you to the ground. Other days the waves come constantly without a break. And some days there are no waves at all.

Saturday morning's conjure up lots of memories. Lazy mornings snuggling in bed, crazy mornings rushing to get ready for football, fun family days.  And I'm missing all of that today. I am just missing him.

Mornings like this, remind me that widow life can be a lonely one. No one special to spend the morning with me. No one special to make plans with. No one special trying to make you laugh. And while I have my little boy to keep me busy, it is definitely not the same. And while I have amazing friends, they have their own families and their own lives. It is mornings like this, with nothing to do and no plans until later, that I realize what an empty space he left in my life.  And I miss him terribly

No Best Friend

When Jared died, I not only lost my husband, I also lost my best friend. And I so miss my best friend. That person I could talk to about anything. That person who would listen and never judge. That person who loved me no matter what.  That person who always know just what to say to make me feel better.

A widow life can be a lonely life.  Often the third wheel. The only person in the room without a partner. Spending your evenings alone. No one to take you on a date Saturday night. And your friends often can't get together with you because they have plans with their spouses and their families.  

That's when I miss my husband the most. The evenings and the weekends. The time that is reserved for couples and families.  The times when something wonderful happens and I want to share the news with my best friend. Or the time that I feel such sorrow that I want my best friend to just tell me it will be ok. The time I just want to chat with my best friend.   And now my best friend is never coming home. I can never talk to him again.

I realize now that when Jared was alive, I didn't put as much time into all of my friendships as I should have because we had each other.  And in the last two years of grieving, I definitely have not focused on my friendships like I should have.  And I guess because of that many of my girlfriends, while still very dear friends have moved on and formed other friendships.  But even if I did have a girlfriend that was my best friend, that could never replace the grief and loss I feel of losing my husband.  He was truly my best friend.  

23 Months

23 months today.  

Which means in 4 weeks,it will be 2 years.

How is that possible?

So much has changed.

And yet, so many things have stayed the same.

23 months today.

Steven started 7th grade.

His 2nd year of middle school.

Another first day you didn't get to see.

He's playing football again.

But he is enjoying it more this year.

Another year you are not here to be his coach.

I'm taking an online creative course.

And using your old drafting table again.

It has been an outlet for my grief...but I know you already know that.

We still talk about you everyday.

We laugh when we think of the sarcastic comments you would make.

Not a day goes by we don't miss you.

We still travel and have a list of must see places.

We wish you were here to make new memories with us.

Our vacations always include you.

I worry I will forget the little things...your laugh, the shade of blue of your eyes, your smell, and the way I felt in your arms.

I worry I am not enough for Steven and somehow I am going to screw it up.

So I pray to get it right and never forget.

Today is 23 months...almost 2 years.

I never thought I would survive your death but I am.

But you knew I would, didn't you?

23 months today.

So many changes.

But one thing will never change, I will always love you.

Loved and Alone

9/22/2014

Thank you to all who came to honor Jared this weekend.  I don't think he had any idea the number of people he touched.
Saying goodbye to my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done and watching our son grieve the loss of his daddy was almost more than I could bear. I don't know how we would have survived this weekend without the love and support of our family and friends.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Getting to say thank you

10/7/2014

Today I got to thank the paramedic that came to our house the night Jared went home to heaven.  The paramedic was so patient, kind, and respectful to us that night, especially to Steven.  When I thanked him, he told me the way we (my family and friends) were prayful, supportive, and celebrating Jared's life touched him.  He said it was beautiful to witness.  Amazing how Jared continues to touch people's lives.

Blessings After Death

10/9/2014

God is awesome.  Tonight the two Manatee County Sheriff Officers who responded the night Jared got his angel wings came to check on me and Steven.  They said Jared's death was how everyone should leave this world ... surrounded by love.  They said that night touched them both and they wanted Steven to know that there were people who cared for him and would be checking on him.  These two officers talked with Steven and encouraged him to be a good boy and listen to his mom.  They even plan to come to his football practice or game.  The fact that these two men took time to come and check on a little boy and even bring him Gator gifts does my heart good.

6 Weeks

10/28/2014

It's been 6 weeks today and I already feel like you have missed so much.  I'm trusting that God will give me the strength to do this without you.  We miss you more than words can say.

Thanksgiving and Gratitde

11/27/2014

Even though this year has been one of great loss and sorrow for me, I am trying to remember how blessed I still am and that God has a plan for me.  So I made myself write a gratitude list.

Here are the top 3 things I am grateful for despite my grief:
1. Sixteen fabulous years with the man of my dreams, my soulmate, the love of my life,  the great love we shared, and knowing he never wanted to leave me.
2. My wonderful son, Steven, who is my strength, my reason to get up in the morning, and a constant reminder of the love I shared with his daddy.
3. My family and friends who continue to support me during the most difficult time of my life, offer help without my asking, share my love for Jared by listening to my stories and sharing their own, and understanding that Jared is still a part of my family and will always be a part of my life.

As you celebrate Thanksgiving with your loved ones, remember to treasure the time and to count your blessings.

3 months

12/16/2014

There was a time when I could not imagine a day going by that I didn't hear your voice but somehow I have survived 3 months without hearing you say I Love You.   I found an old card today and reading your handwritten message brought tears to my eyes and made me smile all at the same time.

4 Months

1/16/2015

It has been 4 months today since we last kissed, laughed, and shared an embrace.  4 months since you last made everything ok in only a way you could.  4 months since my world was turned upside but somehow I make it through each day knowing you are always in my heart.  I miss you everyday Jared.

5 months

5/16/2015

Today marks 5 months since I began this unimaginable journey of loss.
5 months since I heard your voice.
5 months since we shared a laugh.
5 months since I felt your arms around me.
5 months since I laid my head on your chest and felt your heartbeat.
5 months since you were here to comfort me and make me feel safe.
5 months since my world was turned upside down.
5 months since life was normal.
5 months since Steven was able to play with his daddy.
5 months since our family was whole.
5 months...feels like forever.

I miss you Jared.
I will love you till my last breath just like you loved me.

Little boy with a broken heart

2/24/2015

Went out to look for something in the garage and saw these messages Steven wrote on items still covered in construction dust.  It breaks my heart that baby will have to grow up with his dad watching from heaven.    We both miss Jared so much.   Wish I could fix this for Steven but unfortunately I can't.

Half A Year

Monday will be 6 months that I have been a widow.  6 months, 1/2 year,  so long and yet so short.  And you know what...death sucks!   You never get over the loss of your forever, you never get over the grief of saying goodbye to your spouse, you never move on but you do learn to live with the grief.  You learn eventually the good days will out number the bad,  you learn you will survive the bad days, you learn the bad days won't last forever.  You learn there is hope, you learn there will be light again, you learn to live because of your loss not despite it.

6 months ago I wouldn't have believed this, hell 3 months ago I wouldn't have believed it and some days I still find it hard to believe, but it is true.  Jared and I always tried to live in the now and we tried not to procrastinate because we knew we may not have tomorrow.   Living in the now and making each day count is so hard without him but I am learning how because he would want me to live.  He would want me to get out there and make an impact on the world, not just sit on my couch and cry.

I am very blessed to have an awesome support system, friends and family who are here for me and Steven everyday in countless ways.  Helping in ways I didn't even know I needed. Plus, I was fortunate enough to find an amazing widow community who validated my feelings and let me know I was not alone. Seeing others on this journey, on different paths and different time points gave me hope.

I'm still very unsure about my life purpose right now, my thoughts on that change daily and will probably continue to do so for quite awhile. But  since Camp Widow last month, I have met 3 widows who felt they had no support, no community.  I told them about Soaring Spirits International, about the wonderful community and support.  Maybe helping others know they are not alone is my purpose for right now.

And right now is enough.  I still hate that I am a widow, still hate that 6 months ago my life changed forever but I was blessed to share a wonderful love story with an amazing man, a love story that is never ending.

6 Months

3/16/2015

6 short months, 6 long months.  I miss my husband.  I miss his smile, his touch, his laugh...I think I miss his laugh the most.

So much has happened in the past 6 months, so many changes.  When I think of all you have missed, I just want to cry.  When I think about all the things you will miss well, I can't even wrap my mind around that.  Still unsure as to how I am supposed to do forever without you but I take one day, one hour, one step at a time and pray for God to carry me on this heartbreaking journey.   Steven and I are on a path no parent and child should walk but walk it we must.  We think of you every second of every day and discuss if you would like something or not or how you would do something.  You factor into every decision we make because we want to know you are proud of us and that you are smiling down on us from heaven.  Our love truly is everlasting and for that I am grateful.

I Did Know How It Would End

Someone's recently asked me if I knew how it would end, would I still fall in love with Jared.  Well, I did know how it would end.  Jared was waiting on a lung transplant when we started dating.  In my head, I always knew this day would come but my heart never believed it.  I will never forget our wonderful years together or our  complete unconditional love.  We lived each day to the fullest and made more memories in 16 years than most do in a lifetime.

But unfortunately I can also never forget those last days so full of heartache.  I feel so cheated.  We thought Jared had 6-12 months and instead we only got 6 weeks. I will never forget having to tell my sweet boy that daddy was going to heaven and watching his heart break and watching the sorrow on Jared's face as Steven cried. But then a miracle happened and Jared survived that day and we were able to go home.  Little did we know that we would only have 5 days.  5 days together as a family.  5 days for which I will always be grateful.  We were able to talk about all those things that Jared refused talk about before, we were able to say I'm sorry for any unintentional hurts, and we were able to say I love you.  But those 6 weeks, those 5 days at home were not enough time.  We needed more time but truly, forever wouldn't have been enough time when saying goodbye to the love of my life, my forever. During one of our last conversations, Jared made me promise to live.  To live and not just survive.  And I am trying to keep that promise but damn,  it is hard.

But to answer the question, yes despite my pain and suffering now, I would do it all again because our love, our life together was worth it.

7 Months

4/16/2015

Today makes 7 months since Jared went to heaven.
7 months, so short in the grand scheme of things but so long to me.
7 months since my world changed and can never be fixed.
7 months since I recognized myself in the mirror.
7 months since I felt pure joy.
7 months since I questioned all my decisions.
7 months since my family was whole.
7 months since death and grief changed EVERYTHING!

Miracles

Tonight I watched the movie Miracles From Heaven. And it really got me to thinking. A lot of people have asked about my faith. My Catholic faith has carried me through the darkest times of my life. Without my faith, I have no idea where I would be today. And there are people that have said did you ever doubt God? Did you ever lose your faith? And the question I get the most, did you ever get angry that God didn't give Jared a miracle? But tonight as I watched this movie, I got to thinking about my faith and a lot about miracles. And I realized God's given us so, so many miracles. 

In his infinite wisdom, God did not choose to heal Jared of his lung infection. For some reason, God did not choose to heal Jared of chronic rejection. For a reason I will never know, God did not choose to heal Jared from cystic fibrosis. But He gave us so many other miracles. 

Jared's first lung transplant, miracle. Our beautiful baby boy born from our only chance at IVF, another miracle. Jared's second lung transplant, definitely a miracle. Jared surviving sepsis and waking up without any deficiencies, something I call a miracle. Jared surviving his massive brain clot for all those years before we ever even knew it existed, I say that was a miracle. Jared waking up on that Tuesday in the hospital after they told us on Monday he wouldn't survive the day, absolutely a miracle. Steven prayed that entire day that God would just let his daddy come home for a few days and he did. He came home for 5. I call that a miracle. So even though God did not choose to provide us with the miracle of healing Jared, he granted us with so many other miracles. 

In the years I was married to Jared  I often had doctors tell me, I can't explain it. I've never seen this before. No one else has ever recovered from this. Jared loved to tell them, “I proved you wrong.” And the reason Jared proved them wrong, God. There is no other explanation. Anytime Jared was having a procedure, or surgery, or was sick, we prayed. We always put our faith in God. I remember when he was going to have his first bronchoscopy we were so worried. Which is kind of funny now because in the grand scheme of things a bronchoscopy is such a minor procedure. But we prayed for peace, we prayed for God to be with the doctors, we prayed for Jared to be safe.  And I remembered Jared telling me that as they were giving him the medicine to go to sleep, he would simply pray the Our Father. So that became our tradition. Any time he was having any kind of procedure or any kind of surgery, we would pray the Our Father and have faith. When I had to have an emergency C-section to have Steven, and we both almost died, I will never forget in the midst of the chaos as tears were streaming down my face and I was praying for God to save my baby, I remember Jared getting really close and just praying in my ear. And later when we talked about it he said I didn't know what else to do so I just prayed. 

I can't tell you how many times over the 16 years we were together I felt so helpless, so lost and all I could do was pray. And granted God did not always answer my prayers with a yes. Sometimes He said no. And I don't know why He didn't know say yes. But I still have faith. Faith that he had a plan for Jared and that He has a plan for me. And even though He did not cure Jared of his illness, I share the stories of Jared's multiple miracles all the time. I share the story of our faith. And maybe, just maybe, our story will lead  someone else to having faith, to feeling hopeful, and finding peace. And if that happens, then I say it's another miracle for God. 


So as I try to pick up the pieces of my life now, I'm going to once again start looking for miracles.  Because they are there, if you just have faith and look with your heart.  God shows us His love every day. I just have to look for it. And hopefully by sharing Jared's story and sharing my story, I will encourage others to find their own miracles from heaven.  Because my family is living proof that miracles do exist.

The Card

Yesterday I received a card from Jared's lung donor's mother. It totally surprised me and caught me off guard. We had previously heard from the donor family right after Jared's lung transplant and we kept in contact for a while. But Jared was absolutely devastated to learn that his donor was an 18 year old kid. For some reason the fact that Dylan was only 18 truly troubled Jared. And as much as Dylan's mother wanted to meet us, Jared said he could not put a face to his lung. He said he did not know how he would survive if his lung suddenly had a face. The last communication we had with her was at least 5 years ago. So I was completely shocked yesterday when I saw the manila envelope addressed to the family of Jared Duff. When I opened the envelope the last thing I ever expected was a card from his donor's mother. She told me she had learned of Jared's passing and wanted to know that my son and I were in her thoughts and prayers. She went on to share that Dylan had lost his father when he was only a year old. She closed by saying she would still like to meet us.

This unexpected note as lovely as it was, was a complete grief trigger. It sent me spiraling downward. My heart was broken. Not only for the loss that I have suffered but for the loss that she had suffered as well. I found myself sitting on the couch just sobbing.  Sobbing my eyes out in a way I have not done in months.  Cried myself to a point that I was emotionally exhausted and had to go to bed.  And today I woke up just as emotionally exhausted. I'm not sure why this card sent me into such a tailspin but it has. Maybe it's because it's a reminder of all that I have lost. Maybe because it's a reminder of when as a family we had such hope. And maybe it's because it just sucks. I was already feeling restless and unsure of what my future holds and now this.  If I decide to meet her, am I going against my husband's desire to never have a face to go with his lung? Or am I bridging a gap between two women who have suffered such loss and could possibly help each other heal?  I firmly believe God has a plan for me. And that somehow this must be part of His plan. There is a reason why it has taken her almost 2 years to learn of Jared death and send this card. There is a reason this card showed up in my life now.  I just have no idea why or what it could be.

I will definitely write her back. And I will let her know of the many vacations and wonderful memories we made because of Dylan's generous gift. I will try my best to convey to her what a blessing her gift was to us. How it offered us four wonderful years that we would otherwise not have had. That because of her gift my son will always remember his dad. If Jared hadn't gotten that transplant, Steven may not have actual memories of Jared. He was so little at that time that I'm not certain if you would truly remember his dad or just the stories people told him. But because we had those four extra years, because God blessed us with the gift of time, Steven really truly remembers his dad. He remembers how much he was loved. How much he was wanted. And how much his dad cared for him. Memories that are priceless.  All because a mother was generous enough to donate her 18 year old son’s lung to a stranger. What an amazing gift. I hope I can find the words to thank her but I'm not sure the words even exist.

But in the meantime, I have to find a way to deal with all the emotions that seeing this card has brought to the surface. I have to find a way to heal for myself. I have to find a way to help my son heal. I have to find a way that we can begin to live without feeling guilty.  A way to move forward by honoring  the past. A way to build a walkway between the what was and the what will be. Because one thing I know for certain, this is not how my story ends. There's so much left in my story and in Steven's story and what our future will be. And we are just beginning the journey to discover what that is. And that may include forging a bond with a woman who gave us a most generous gift.