Today is a weepy one for me...no rhyme, no reason, no special memory, just a bad day. Maybe it's because all the first that I am experiencing and will experience (Mother's Day, Steven's birthday, Jared's birthday, my birthday, Father's Day) in May and June. Maybe it's because the school year is ending and summer was always our time, our family time to travel and enjoy each other. Maybe because my life is changing and Jared isn't here to experience these changes with me. Maybe it's because the reality that Jared will never be here again is finally hitting me. Maybe it's just because death sucks.

No matter the reason, today is a hard one, one I must get through to have a brighter tomorrow. Because the one thing I know is that not all my days are bad and even the bad ones have moments of joy and happiness. For my bad day of grief is because of my amazing love story...the great gift of being loved completely and unconditionally for 15 years.

May 16th was 8 months since Jared left this earth. So much has changed in the last 8 months. I have learned so much since beginning this journey.

I have learned I am blessed to have those who are here to help even though they have not experienced such a loss.
I have learned there are those who are thankful they are far away and don’t have to deal with my grief.
I have learned there are those who want to help but don’t know how and are afraid to say the wrong thing.
I have learned there are those that are uncomfortable with my grief and thus keep their distance.
I have learned there are those who think I should be over it by now and can’t understand why I have to talk about Jared all the time.
I have learned that some of those I thought would hold my hand during this journey have not and those who I thought might walk away are still here.
I have learned that those who have not experienced such loss can never truly understand (and I hope they never can).
I have learned that I am not alone in this journey and that there is an entire community willing to help me as I walk, run, and stumble on this path.
I have learned that being a single parent sucks. I never get to say ask your dad or tell Jared that I have had enough and it’s his turn now.
I have learned that holding the love of your life as he takes his last breath changes you, changes you forever.
I have learned that watching my child say goodbye to his father is the moment Steven’s life changed forever.
I have learned that grief triggers can come out of nowhere and knock the wind out of me.
I have learned I can smile at our memories instead of just cry.
I have learned that each day I can chose to be happy for today because of the love we shared and our many joyous yesterdays.
I have learned that feeling happy can also make me feel guilty.
I have learned that choosing to cherish Jared’s memory is choosing to keep him alive in the present.
I have learned that I will have brighter days.
I have learned that I have hope. Hope for a future that will always include Jared. A future where I will make memories not with him but because of him.
I have learned that the future without Jared is a scary place, but a place he would want me to explore.
I have learned that the best way to honor my love for Jared is to teach my son to live, live each day to fullest.
I have learned that I will have bad days. Days where I need to step back and live with my memories so that I can step into the future.
I have learned that my heart will be different because of the loss of Jared, because losing my future left a huge hole in my heart. A hole that will always be Jared’s special place.
I have learned that I will never be the person I was before Jared died and I am learning that is OK.
I am learning that because of our great love story, I can take baby steps into the future.
I am learning that finding the new me is hard and changes every day but Jared is here with me, encouraging me to take those baby steps, to be free and to live.

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