Death Changes A Child

In a few weeks it will be 3 years since Jared died.  Telling Steven his dad died was the second hardest thing I have ever done.  Seeing Steven's heart break and knowing I had just taken a piece of his innocence is something I will never forget.   And I remember thinking, I hope this doesn't change him too much.  Because I was certain it would change him.  How could it not?  Losing his father at the age of 10 would definitely have an effect on his life.  But to what extent?  Would he lose his faith?  Would he lose his gentleness?   Would he no longer feel safe?  Would he worry that I would die too?  Would he see the world as an evil place because death was suddenly very real? Thankfully, none of that happened.

Instead, Steven developed a stronger faith.  Sees the world as a place where love grows. Tries to be joyful because his dad told him that when he is happy on Earth, his dad would be happy in heaven.  He is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  He is compassionate, the first to offer comfort when someone is sad or hurt.  He is patient and kind.  Believes life is all about adventure.  Understands that none of us are promised tomorrow so live for today.  

His dad's death changed Steven.  Just not in the ways I feared.  Instead, it made him into a young man with an amazing heart. A young man of whom his dad would be proud.  Because of Jared's death, because we suffered through the worst trauma of our lives together, Steven and I have a bond that can never be broken.  

Yes, Jared's death changed Steven. It shaped him into someone who knows that he can overcome anything.  It showed him that with faith, love, and laughter you can persevere, survive, and thrive.  But most importantly, I hope it taught Steven that even though his dad is not here on Earth, Jared will live forever in his heart.

My New Normal

I talk about Jared because he was and will always be a part of my life. I want people who come into my life now to know about him. And I want the people who are going to come into my life to know about him. That doesn't mean my heart is still broken and every day is full of grief and pain.  It's not.  I've come a long way in my grief journey. And now truly most days are happy. Full of joy and gladness. Do I still have bad moments? Absolutely. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. But they are fewer and farther between now. Most days I smile a real smile. Not that fake smile to make others feel better but a real smile because my heart is happy.  And I chose to share my journey.  Honestly and without sugar coating it. The good and the bad.  The grief and now my joy.   Because this is my normal.  My life.

Life is all about the balance. Finding the balance between the bitter and the sweet. Finding the balance between grief and joy. And one of the biggest things I've learned is not to let fear steal my joy. Everyday I have a choice whether I'm going to be happy or sad. And I choose to be happy. I choose to live in the here and now. I choose to plan my future. That doesn't mean I will ever forget. That's not possible. But it does mean I'm moving forward in creating my life.  A life that includes loss and love.

Angelversary and New Love

As Jared's angelversary approaches, I find myself an emotional mess. I don't remember last year or the year before being as hard as this one. And I think some of the difficulty is due to the fact that I'm in a new relationship. I knew how to handle grieving for Jared when it was just me and Steven. But I have no idea how to handle it with a new love.

I want Jon to be here to comfort me.  To help me thru the difficult weekend.  To hear the Jared stories. To learn about the man who was my first love.  To join me on this widow journey.  But I'm also nervous that I won't know how to handle it.   That the weekend will be a disaster.  I'm not quite sure how to honor and celebrate Jared with my new love by my side.

How do I explain how much Jared meant to me?  That his love made me who I am today?  That his death changed me forever?  That the weekend is going to be one full of memories both happy and sad? That I will laugh and cry, possibly at the same time? That I'm going to be so focused on surviving that I may have nothing left to give?  That it is a day for me to feel what I feel without worrying about anyone else?

How do I handle all these emotions? How do I blend my past and my future?  I guess only time will tell.  But I know Jon loves and supports me so I'm confident I'll figure it out.  And the next time will be a little easier.  Hopefully.

Love After Loss

As a widow, one of the hardest things for me was opening my heart up to new love.  When you open your heart to new love, you take the risk of having it broken. You risk that your new love will also die. And as someone who has suffered through the death of their spouse and the grief that comes with that loss, death is not something you want to live through a second time.  But as a widow, I also know the love was worth the pain. I would do it all again. Jared’s death and the grief I have endured for the last three years in no way compares to the love that we shared.   Our relationship, our love story was worth every second of the pain.  

When Jared died, I swore I would never date again. Would never fall in love again. And 9 months ago, when I met Jon on that cruise ship I had no idea I was ready to date. Meeting someone on the cruise ship was safe. It was fun. But it had an end date. I knew the cruise would come to an end and most likely this new whatever it was would be over. It made me feel safe. But by the end of the cruise I knew it was not just a cruise ship fling, I knew I wanted it to be something more. And we started making plans to see each other after the cruise. And as much as I hate the distance now, then it was a lifesaver. We did not see each other for six weeks after the cruise. But we talked for hours every day. We got to know each other in a very deep, meaningful way. We shared secrets. We shared stories. We asked each other (okay I asked him) a ton of questions. It was pretty much a no-holds bar, let's get to know each other and see if this is going to work six weeks.

And it did. Better than I ever expected. But, I think if Jon had lived close by I would have been too scared to open my heart and would have pushed him away. The fact that he lives a thousand miles away made him safe. Made it easier for me to open my heart again. Showed me that my heart could expand to make room for new love.  That this new love is worth the risk of pain.  That I deserve love and happiness.  But I had to be willing to take the risk.  To jump in with both feet.  And I'm so grateful I jumped.

But as Jared's angelversary approaches, I find myself struggling. It is a reminder of the very worst day of my life. The day my world changed. But I consider myself blessed that Jon wants to be here for that day.  That  he wants to honor Jared. That he knows my love for Jared will never end. And that he also understands that my love for Jared does not take away from my love for him. Just as my love for him does not take away from my love for Jared. That my heart has room to love both of them.  But this will be the first time I've celebrated Jared with my new love. Once again, my two worlds are intersecting.

And it's because of my love with Jared that I could open my heart and risk finding love again.  I consider myself very blessed to have two great loves. And if I had shut my heart off after Jared died, I would have missed out on all the joy I am experiencing now.  Yes, love after loss is scary. But not nearly as scary as the thought of spending the rest of my life alone.   

I'm Your Mom, Not Your Friend

I always think of myself as the “mean” mom.  I am fairly strict.  Have rules.  Set expectations.  Believe in consequences when rules are broken.  Yes, I pick my battles but certain things are not negotiable.  So I never think of myself as the “fun” parent. But recently I was told I was wrong about that.  I was reminded that I live life to the fullest.  Rarely say no to an adventure.  Think nothing of hopping on a plane and heading off to someplace new.  Encourage others to realize that life is short so go out and  live it.  So I guess, in that sense I am the “fun” parent.  Who knew being adventurous could make me the “fun” mom?  

But I am still the mom.  And it's my job to raise a responsible, productive, able to function in society adult.   Do I want to have fun, take adventures, and make unforgettable memories?  Absolutely.  So for me, it all comes down to balance.  Finding the balance between the rules and the fun.    I believe that when children know the rules, the expectations, and have structure they thrive.  And that allows us to focus on the adventure, the fun, and the laughter.

I always say I'm your mom not your friend.  But what do I mean by that?  Does that mean I don't like you, my dear, sweet child?  No, of course not.  It means friendships, especially at your age, can come and go but I'm here for the long haul. To me, it means I have your best interest at heart.  I will respect you and I expect you to respect me.  I'm always on your team.  Will always tell you the truth.  Set limits and boundaries to keep you safe.   Be your biggest cheerleader.  Push you to be your best.  Be there to help when you fall.  Won't accept inappropriate behavior.  Nor will I look the other way when you make a poor choice.  Will do my best not to judge you.  Will help you find a solution to your problem. I am always here for you.  I love you.  No matter what, I love you.
And once you become an adult, we will then (hopefully) become amazing friends and I might even hear a “thanks mom.”

Here's to finding the balance.  I will never be the perfect mom but I'm trying to be the best mom I can be.  And I hope someday Steven and now Alli can say “mom did her best.  She always loved me, encouraged me to experience all this world has to offer, told me to never give up, and helped prepare me for this thing called life.”   Is that too much to hope for?

Emotional Mess

The start of football season and the first day of school serve as reminders of what is missing and what can never be.  These days remind me that in a few weeks I'll mark another year off the calendar.  Another year of things Jared missed.  Another year of Steven saying I wish my dad was here.  Another year of being afraid of forgetting.  Another year of life continuing without him.   

And for the first time, I'll mark off that year with a new love in my heart.  And that just makes for lots of conflicting emotions. I've never done this as part of a couple.  And I don't have the foggiest idea how to do it.  I want Jon to know Jared. To understand that Jared's life and death will always be part of my life. To help me honor Jared's life.  And Jon wants to do that.   So why am I an emotional mess?

So many emotions.
Joy.  Sorrow.  Grief.  Love.  Gratitude.
Just to name a few.  

I'm trying to find the balance between my grief and my joy.  Juggle the bitter and the sweet.  Honor the life of my first love with my new beginning standing beside me.  Remember that because of Jared, I am able to love Jon so completely.  Let my heart feel whatever it needs to feel.  Because death does not end love. And time cannot steal my memories. 

Emotional mess or not, I have the tools to get through this current storm and come out stronger because of it.