A Single Kiss

I kissed a guy and I liked it!!

I went on a cruise with my son and met a gentleman cruising with his daughter.  We met the second night after a wine glass broke on my hand and I required stitches.  He went with me to medical and it was nice to have someone offer to help me.  But that's a story for another night.

We spent every night and the afternoons together and it was so easy.  Nothing forced.  Nothing fake.  Just me being me and he is good with that.  Every night we danced.  And laughed.  And it has been fun.  He knows I am a widow and he respects that.  He knows he is the first man I have dated (not sure I can call this dating, but don't know how else to label it ) since Jared died and he was nothing but respectful.  He asked questions about Jared and said he was thankful I had such a great love and that my love story and my grief journey made me who I am. He actually thanked me for trusting him and letting him in.

One night, he asked if we could walk the deck. And I was thinking he might try to kiss me.   I was hoping he would.  The first time I have wanted to be held or kissed by another man in 2 years.  And he did kiss me.  And it was great.  And that shocked me.  But most importantly, it made me realize that I am in a new place in my grief journey.  I no longer want to be alone.  I want companionship.  I want to find love again.  I learned all that from a single kiss.

If someone had told me 2 weeks ago that I would meet someone on vacation, someone that could make my heart race, someone who I looked forward to seeing everyday, someone who made me smile, I would have laughed.  But it happened.

No Longer Counting Months

At the end of October, I realized that October 16th passed and I didn't even notice.  For the first time since Jared died, I didn't notice the date.  It didn't register that it was 25 months since Jared went home.  And at first I felt guilty.  How could I let the 16th of a month pass and not even notice?  How could I just stop counting the months since my love had earned his wings?  Then I realized it was because I no longer needed to count the months.  I am healing.  I realized my new life was blossoming and I was finally starting to accept that.  

I remember the first Tuesday that wasn't terrible.  You see, Jared died on a Tuesday and I hated every Tuesday after that for months.  The first Tuesday that wasn't awful caught me completely by surprise.  I wasn't prepared to stop hating Tuesdays yet but I guess my soul was. And now, the 16th of the month didn't send me over the cliff of grief.   I am surprised at far I have come in 2 years.  I know to some you are thinking about time and others are saying already.  I have learned that no one knows my grief journey but me and that I can't try to please others.  Instead I have to focus on healing myself.  I have to trust in God's plan for me and that His plan includes moving forward and living a new life just as full of adventures as before.

Accepting my new life does not mean I will forget Jared. It doesn't mean that I will stop celebrating his birthday.  It doesn't mean that I will stop honoring his life.  It doesn't mean that my heart will forget the pain of September 16th.   I will always love Jared.  I will always wish he was still here with us.  I will always say Jared would have loved this or I wish Jared could see this.  Moving forward and making a new life doesn't mean I will forget my old life.  Life will forever be marked as before and after.   My heart will always have a scar and have a section reserved just for Jared.  My soul will always remember him and how his love made me feel.  His love made me who I am today.  His love gave me the strength to continue when I wanted to die.  His love encourages me to continue making each day count.  His love for me will shape my future.  Our love will always be a part of my story.  

As I embark on this new life I am nervous. I am scared.  This is uncharted territory.  I have no road map for this trip to my future. I know Jared will be with me and gently nudge me in the right direction.  Our love will guide me.  And when I stumble and fall, Jared will laugh his mischievous laugh and tell me to get back up and keep going.  This new ride isn't going to be a smooth one but I hope I am ready for bumps as well as the twists and turns.

Who knew no longer counting the days on the calendar could mean so much?

Thanksgiving Traditions

It has always been our tradition to travel for Thanksgiving. Instead of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, we have local cuisine. Thanksgiving 2014 was 2 months after my husband passed away. We had planned a trip to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving but unfortunately Jared passed away in September. The trip was already planned and paid for but I told my son I thought we should stay home.  I didn't think I could take the trip without my husband. But my son really wanted to go, he truly believed my husband would not want us to stay home. Packing for the trip was so very difficult. I remember calling a girl friend and telling her I just couldn't do it. And she said, very wisely, whether you go or stay home it's going to be hard. So we went.  And on Thanksgiving,  I forced myself to write a gratitude list so I could see all my blessings in the midst of my grief.  My son was right, it was exactly what my husband would have wanted us to do.

Last year, we decided to stay home.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with friends who are like family and they were so sweet and left a place setting at the table for Jared. So that we would all know he is still part of us and that his memory is always welcome.  And it was a wonderful day.  It was a perfect way to celebrate a day of gratitude while remembering Jared.

But this year we will honor our tradition of traveling over Thanksgiving by taking a cruise through the Panama Canal. While we enjoyed being home last year and celebrating with our friends, for us Thanksgiving equals travel. So we're going to continue our tradition of traveling some place new, eating local cuisine, and making lots of wonderful memories.  All while remembering past Thanksgivings.

Making new memories.  

Honoring old traditions.  

Giving thanks.

Living life.

Keeping Jared's spirit alive.

Happy Thanksgiving.