Big step for me tonight. My first baby step toward healing. My first baby step toward living.
Jared's first angelversary will be the 16th of next month. I decided that we will focus on his life. Not his illness, not his death. So, tonight I cleaned his medicines out of our bedroom. His medications have been stored in the corner of our bedroom for the last 3 or 4 years. Medications stacked as high as I am tall. Medications that were part of our normal daily life. Medications to keep him from rejecting his transplanted lung, medications to help him fight infections. Unfortunately these medications couldn't prevent him from developing an infection in his good lung. An infection that is extremely rare and difficult to treat. An infection that killed him 6 weeks after his was diagnosed. An infection that robbed me of my husband and robbed my son of his father. These medications remind me that he was supposed to stay infection free. They remind me of a future that will never be. I reminder that hurts every time I see the stack. So instead of painful reminders, I packed them up and put them in garage. Not ready to dispose of them completely but no longer need a constant reminder of his illness. Thus, the garage is the perfect compromise. So, now the corner of our bedroom has his collection of books, more than can fit in the crate. Fiction, non-fiction, and textbooks. Yes, my husband read certain textbooks for fun. These are the memories I want to see when I walk into our room.
Packing up his medications was hard and I shed more than few tears but I know he was with me and he was proud of my first step toward living. Still not ready to pack up anything else of Jared's and I may not be ready to do that for years but today I was ready to pack up his medications in our bedroom.
Big step for me tonight.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Single parenting
I did not sign up to be a single parent. I never asked to be the one left behind to raise a child by myself. Yes, Jared was sick when we met and I always knew that someday this could be my future but even knowing that I'm never truly accepted that one day I would be a widow.
Being a single mother sucks! There is no nice way to describe it.
Last week our son started 6th grade, middle school. I can't believe my little baby boy is grown up enough to go to middle school. Tonight he had a ton of homework. That was not the stressful part. The hard part came when it was time to print out the paper he had typed. We had left the cord to our laptop at my mother in laws house 2 weeks ago and she had not yet sent it to us. So tonight we had to type Steven's essay on our old netbook. When it was time to print it out, I quickly found out that the netbook does not connect to our wireless printer. So I had the bright idea to save his essay to a jump drive but guess what? Our wireless printer does not have a port for a jump drive. And then I thiugh, ok I'll email the paper to myself because from my tablet I can print to the wireless printer. When I tried to open the document on my tablet it was reformatted and no longer looked like it should. And there was no way to reformat it on the tablet. I just wanted to scream. Scream, cuss,, cry, and throw things. I just wanted to have a temper tantrum.
For the first time in 11 months I was so mad at my husband for leaving me. I said out loud I did not f****** sign up for this. You should be here to help me. You would know a way to make this work and make this stupid paper print. But all the screaming, crying, cussing, and tantrum throwing isn't going to bring my husband back. No matter how angry I get, no matter how much I miss him, no matter how much I need him to help me parent our child he's never coming back. I'm stuck being a single mother. And it sucks!
Being a single mother sucks! There is no nice way to describe it.
Last week our son started 6th grade, middle school. I can't believe my little baby boy is grown up enough to go to middle school. Tonight he had a ton of homework. That was not the stressful part. The hard part came when it was time to print out the paper he had typed. We had left the cord to our laptop at my mother in laws house 2 weeks ago and she had not yet sent it to us. So tonight we had to type Steven's essay on our old netbook. When it was time to print it out, I quickly found out that the netbook does not connect to our wireless printer. So I had the bright idea to save his essay to a jump drive but guess what? Our wireless printer does not have a port for a jump drive. And then I thiugh, ok I'll email the paper to myself because from my tablet I can print to the wireless printer. When I tried to open the document on my tablet it was reformatted and no longer looked like it should. And there was no way to reformat it on the tablet. I just wanted to scream. Scream, cuss,, cry, and throw things. I just wanted to have a temper tantrum.
For the first time in 11 months I was so mad at my husband for leaving me. I said out loud I did not f****** sign up for this. You should be here to help me. You would know a way to make this work and make this stupid paper print. But all the screaming, crying, cussing, and tantrum throwing isn't going to bring my husband back. No matter how angry I get, no matter how much I miss him, no matter how much I need him to help me parent our child he's never coming back. I'm stuck being a single mother. And it sucks!
Sunday, August 16, 2015
11 months
Today marks 11 months since Jared died. 11 months since my world collapsed. 11 months since I felt safe. 11 months since I felt pure joy. 11 months...forever and yesterday all at the same time.
Yesterday my son told me he felt like daddy had been gone forever. That so much had happened since his dad died. Tomorrow my son will start middle school without his dad. Another first. Another first no child should experience. The silver lining in this loss is that my son appreciates each day. I was so afraid that losing his dad would make my son angry, bitter, and overall change his sweet, loving personality. But that hasn't happened. If anything, my son loves harder, deeper than he did before. And he laughs. When my husband was dying he told my son he wanted him to be happy. He wanted to laugh. He wanted him to play with his friends. He wanted to be a happy little boy. My son took those words to heart and tries his best to be a happy boy. That is how my son honors is dad.
I have not been able to do that. I have a hard time laughing and being happy. I feel happiness for others and laugh when appropriate, but laughing and feeling joy make me guilty. How can I be happy when my husband is dead? How can I laugh when I can no longer hear my husband's laughter? How can I live life to the fullest when my husband's life stopped at 37? How am I suppose to move forward with my life when my life as I know it ended 11 months ago?
I am no longer the woman I was before Jared died. I am living through the unimaginable and it has forever changed me. I want to laugh, feel joy, and like myself again but I don't know how to get there from here. How to bring my past into my future. How to take the first step toward healing without forgeting my past. I will never forget Jared and as long as I am breathing, his name will be spoken, he will be remembered, and he will be honored. But I don't know how to do that and heal at the same time.
Today marks 11 months on widow grief journey and I have more questions than answers.
Yesterday my son told me he felt like daddy had been gone forever. That so much had happened since his dad died. Tomorrow my son will start middle school without his dad. Another first. Another first no child should experience. The silver lining in this loss is that my son appreciates each day. I was so afraid that losing his dad would make my son angry, bitter, and overall change his sweet, loving personality. But that hasn't happened. If anything, my son loves harder, deeper than he did before. And he laughs. When my husband was dying he told my son he wanted him to be happy. He wanted to laugh. He wanted him to play with his friends. He wanted to be a happy little boy. My son took those words to heart and tries his best to be a happy boy. That is how my son honors is dad.
I have not been able to do that. I have a hard time laughing and being happy. I feel happiness for others and laugh when appropriate, but laughing and feeling joy make me guilty. How can I be happy when my husband is dead? How can I laugh when I can no longer hear my husband's laughter? How can I live life to the fullest when my husband's life stopped at 37? How am I suppose to move forward with my life when my life as I know it ended 11 months ago?
I am no longer the woman I was before Jared died. I am living through the unimaginable and it has forever changed me. I want to laugh, feel joy, and like myself again but I don't know how to get there from here. How to bring my past into my future. How to take the first step toward healing without forgeting my past. I will never forget Jared and as long as I am breathing, his name will be spoken, he will be remembered, and he will be honored. But I don't know how to do that and heal at the same time.
Today marks 11 months on widow grief journey and I have more questions than answers.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Being a widow is hard
Being a widow is hard, harder than I ever thought possible.
All alone to navigate this life.
There are no time outs. No one to relieve you. No one else to make decisions. No one to quiet your deepest fears. No one to make you feel safe. No one with whom to share that special look. No one to hold you at night.
All alone to navigate this life.
Suddenly a single parent. Never able to say "go ask your dad." Never able to say "I'm tired, tonight you are on duty." Never able to delegate homework duty. Never able to let someone else be the bad guy.
All alone to navigate this life.
No longer part of a couple, even though you still feel married. Often the odd man out. No longer having someone to make you feel special. No longer having someone to make you feel loved. No longer having someone to shower you with love and affection. No longer the same person.
All alone to navigate this life.
Being a widow is hard.
All alone to navigate this life.
There are no time outs. No one to relieve you. No one else to make decisions. No one to quiet your deepest fears. No one to make you feel safe. No one with whom to share that special look. No one to hold you at night.
All alone to navigate this life.
Suddenly a single parent. Never able to say "go ask your dad." Never able to say "I'm tired, tonight you are on duty." Never able to delegate homework duty. Never able to let someone else be the bad guy.
All alone to navigate this life.
No longer part of a couple, even though you still feel married. Often the odd man out. No longer having someone to make you feel special. No longer having someone to make you feel loved. No longer having someone to shower you with love and affection. No longer the same person.
All alone to navigate this life.
Being a widow is hard.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Alaska...finishing the list
Last week my son and I took an Alaskan cruise. It was beautiful and breathtaking. We had a wonderful trip. We walked on a glacier, saw a whale breech right by our boat, went out on a crab boat, and followed in the footsteps of the goldrush miners. It was a beautiful state and a wonderful vacation that my husband would have loved. Since my husband's death 10 1/2 months ago, travel and adventure has become bittersweet. My family of 3 always traveled so now traveling without my husband makes it more obvious he is never coming home. While I love making new memories with my son, we are painfully aware that his daddy is missing. We always talk about how much his daddy would have liked it, how much we wish Jared was there, and what Jared is doing in heaven. For us, talking about Jared includes him in our vacation and keeps a part of him with us.
When Jared and I got married, we made a list of all the places we wanted to visit. We visited all but 3 places. When Jared died, Steven and I decided to finish the list. Alaska was our first trip. We plan to visit Montana and Yellowstone next summer and Africa in 2017, then the list will be complete.
I believe that Jared is with us on our travels and that he is proud of us for living for him, keeping his memory alive. When we were in Alaska, we saw a shooter at the glacier and knew Jared was saying hello to us. It's those little signs, those little pieces of hope that keep me going.
When Jared and I got married, we made a list of all the places we wanted to visit. We visited all but 3 places. When Jared died, Steven and I decided to finish the list. Alaska was our first trip. We plan to visit Montana and Yellowstone next summer and Africa in 2017, then the list will be complete.
I believe that Jared is with us on our travels and that he is proud of us for living for him, keeping his memory alive. When we were in Alaska, we saw a shooter at the glacier and knew Jared was saying hello to us. It's those little signs, those little pieces of hope that keep me going.
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