Remarried and Still Alone

I am a remarried widow.  But there are days, like today, that I still feel alone.  That I realize in many ways I am still a solo parent.  Why?  Because my new husband lives 1,000 away.  And we only get to see each other one or two weekends a month.  Yes, I knew when we said I Do that we would live apart for another 18-20 months. And I knew that would mean my day to day life really wouldn’t change despite getting married.  That I would still be responsible for my son and myself on a daily basis.  That my husband would continue to have a whole other life in Texas that I wasn’t a part of.  That we would miss the daily activities in each other’s world, including our children’s lives.

But we decided that life is short and we love each, so let’s get married and figure it out as we go.  Some days we get it right.  Some days we need to do better.  It’s always a juggling act.  Trying to figure out how to support each other and our children.  How to be there for each other on a daily basis not just the big moments. How to make decisions together when we can’t have group discussions.  How to be a family unit when we only get to spend a relatively short amount of time together.  How to be a parental figure to the other child when our interactions are limited to infrequent weekend visits.  But we are learning.  Trying.  Slowly figuring it out.  Should we have waited until we could live together to get married?  I don’t think so.  Is long distance marriage hard?  Absolutely.  But we are making it work.  And I like to think we will be stronger for it.

I know when my husband moves here, there are times I will still feel alone.  Feel like a solo parent.  That is part of being widowed.  Feeling alone in a crowded room.  Making tough decisions without your child’s other parent being there to give you their opinion.  Feeling like you are holding the weight of the world on your shoulders. But I also know I’ll have a partner.  And if I ask, he’ll carry the weight when I can’t.  That he’ll be happy to step up and be a parental figure to my son while understanding that my son’s dad will always be a part of our family and dearly missed. That our day to day life will change.  We’ll have to adjust to being together everyday.  Sharing our space.  Our lives.  That we’ll have to once again figure it out.  And I can’t wait for that day to come.

Not Part of Everyday Life

When you live 1,000 miles apart, it’s hard to be part of the every day of someone else’s life.  No matter how hard you try to include each other.  You can try to share all the highlights, ups and downs of each day but that doesn’t make up for the distance. And it’s even harder if one of you shares more than the other.  But no matter what, one of you is always missing out on something. Some event. Some milestone. Some part of life.  And that makes it even more difficult to blend a family.  To feel like a family unit.  To forge relationships.

We are doing our best.  Sometimes we succeed.  Sometimes we don’t.  But we keep trying.  And one day, we will be together for the day to day.  Which will bring its own adjustments. Dealing with blending our worlds.  Our routines.  Our lifestyles including parenting.  Unfortunately, by then Alli will be off at college so I will never get to enjoy being part of her daily life.  But at least I will be there when she comes home for holidays and weekends.

Hopefully one day we will feel like a real family.  It will just be natural.  Not a mine vs yours or us vs them.  But just a family.  Treating each other the same.  Not worrying if someone is going stop loving you because you’re not biologically related.  Knowing that the love and relationship is unconditional.  That comes automatically with biological kids and parents but it’s not so easy with bonus kids.  And it’s even harder to form that bond when you see each infrequently.

Long distance is hard on a relationship.  Hard on a family.  So much is missed.  But at least we know it’s not forever.

We Are The Rememberers

As life moves forward, there will be an entire group of people that never knew Jared.  And that a painful reality because I want people to know him. To know his story.  To appreciate the life he lived.

As Jon and I move forward in life, people will think we have always been together. They won’t know that I had another great love. A man who taught me to love.  A man who deserves to me remembered.

As Steven moves to high school, his new friends will never know his dad. They won’t share any memories of Jared.   As we meet new people, they will assume that Jon is Steven’s dad. They won’t know that Steven’s dad lives in heaven.   They won’t know what an awesome dad Jared was.

As milestones in Steven’s life approach, I always think I wish his dad was here.  I wish Jared could see this.  As Steven graduates, gets married, has his own children, we will share stories.  Make sure Jared is included in our day.  Ensure Jared’s grandchildren know of him, if only thru pictures and our memories.

Part of my job as Jared’s widow is to keep his memory alive.  To be the rememberer.  To ensure no one ever forgets him.  And that responsibility is my privilege.

As life moves forward and new relationships form, there will be many people who never met Jared.  But because those of us that love him will keep his spirit alive, they can get to know him. He will always be a part of our family.  It’s my job to see to that.  To ensure he is never forgotten.  To remind the world of a great man who lived life to the fullest.  To make him proud of how we have lived and loved since he left.  It is not easy to move forward and live life but For me, it is the best way to honor Jared.  To ensure he is never forgotten.