18 Years and Counting

Sunday would have been my 18th wedding anniversary to my late husband. And for the first time, I celebrated it as remarried widow.  The fact that I am now remarried, did not stop me from celebrating my love story with Jared. We had 14 years together as husband and wife. And the love I have for him will never die. Death does not end love. And I have every right to celebrate my love with Jare

I am blessed that my new husband understands that. That he not only honors my love story with Jared but he also celebrates it. For the last 2 years on my wedding anniversary, Jon has sent me flowers. And the notes said happy anniversary to you and Jared.  You’ll never be the only one to remember this day again. I had told Jon, that my wedding anniversary is one of the hardest days. Because it’s the day that only I remember. It’s a day that was special to Jared and I but not necessarily to anyone else. It can be a lonely day. And he ensures that I do not celebrate it alone. 

I am so blessed to have found this man.  This man with a huge heart. This man that is never jealous of the love I have with Jared.  The man who says he’s grateful for my love story because it made me the woman he loves. 

I am blessed to be a remarried widow that can celebrate both of my love stories.  I am blessed to have found all encompassing, unconditional love not once but twice. 

Jared and I had a fairy tale wedding complete with a horse and carriage and a bagpiper.  It was everything I wanted. It was the wedding of my dreams. I wouldn’t trade a moment of that day.  Our first date was the Kentucky/Gator game and two years later we said I do on that same weekend. Our reception was a celebration of our love with 400 of our family and friends.  Complete with a Gator groom’s cake and a Gator chomp photo. It was perfect. Beautiful. Everything I hoped it would be. And I would do it all again, without hesitation. 

When we got married, I told Jared we should celebrate each anniversary and the one one times 10 because I wanted to celebrate 50 years together.  When we married, I knew our marriage would not be forever. I knew one day Jared would die. But I wanted to love him as long as I could. And I hoped we would get a miracle and grow old together. 

God blessed us with 14 years.  We honored our vows. Especially the in sickness and health part.  When Jared received his first lung transplant we were blessed with great years of health.  But the last few years, we saw our share of sickness. But I still wouldn’t change a thing. I was married to my best friend.  The man of my dreams. And nothing was going to change that.  

Fourteen years later exactly one week before our wedding anniversary, I said my final goodbye to Jared.  Said goodbye to life as I knew it. Said goodbye to life as a couple. 

And then 3 years later, God blessed with me another great love.  A man who would understand that my heart could expand to love 2 great man.  A man who would honor my love story with Jared. A man who would help me celebrate my wedding anniversary.  A man who understands death does not end love. 

I am doubly blessed in love.  And on Sunday I honored my love story.  My love story that death could not end. My love story that will live on as long as I do. My love story that showed me what love really meant.  My love story with Jared. 

Here’s to 18 years of love.  And counting. 

My Decision To Remarry

When my late husband, Jared died I swore I’d never date again.  Never fall in love. And would certainly never marry again. And if I did it would be after my son was grown.

Twenty six months after Jared died I met Jon on a cruise ship.  It was completely random. We connected. Laughed. And enjoyed each other’s company.  But I wasn’t sure if it would amount to anything. Fast forward a year and he proposed.  Exactly one year after our chance encounter, he asked me to be his wife. And I, without hesitation, said yes.

But before he proposed, when we were talking about getting married, I had some reservations.

Could I open my heart to love like that again? Could I risk knowing my heart could be broken?  I decided yes I could. The heart has an amazing capacity to love. And I didn’t want to walk away from such love. I was willing to risk being hurt to find my happily even after.

What if he got sick? What if he died?  I thought back to my time with Jared. I wouldn’t have a changed a thing. The pain I felt after his death was definitely worth the love we shared. So if Jon got sick, if Jon died, I knew I would never regret the choice to love him.

What if  people thought I was forgetting Jared?  Marrying Jon did not mean I was forgetting Jared. He will always be a part of my life. I will always carry him in my heart. But I wanted people to know that. People to understand that I could love two men. And that marrying Jon did not in anyway extinguish my love for Jared. People are not replaceable.  New love doesn’t end old love.

What about my son? Could I let someone else help me parent him? My son has an amazing dad. He just happens to live in heaven. And I wanted to make sure that Jon understood that. That he could be Steven’s dad on earth and he and Steven could have their own bond, their own relationship but Jared would always be his dad.  Jon is so patient. So kind. My son couldn’t ask for a better dad on earth.

What about his daughter? Would she be accepting of me and our relationship? Would I be able to love her and treat her like my own? And I realize that yes, I could love her. I could welcome her into my life, into my family. I could be her bonus mom and all that it entails. The rest I could not control. The rest was up to her.

Would it be easy?  F*ck no. It would be anything but easy.  It would be hard work. Harder than I ever dreamed. If someone had clued me in on just how hard long distance marriage and blending a family would be, I might have run screaming in the other direction.  

Would it be worth it? Absolutely!  Without a doubt. Loving and being loved by Jon is without a doubt worth all the heartache and tears.

Would our two families feel like one overnight?  Hell no. We’ve been married 9 months and we still don’t know what we’re doing.  We make mistakes. But we keep trying. When will we feel like a family? Not his and hers but ours?  I have no idea. I just hope someday we do.

Deciding to jump into a new relationship wasn’t easy.  Deciding to open my heart to love again, to remarry doesn’t mean I don’t miss Jared. Or wish he was still here.  It just means I decided to move forward with my life. To open my heart to new adventures, new love.. Love post loss was completely uncharted territory for me. Knowing my heart could be broken was a very real risk.  But it was a risk I decided to take. And while it hasn’t been easy or perfect, I wouldn’t change it. My new husband is perfect for me. Perfect for this time in my life. I can’t wait to see what our future holds.