#teamjon

When the love of your life dies in front of you, your life is forever changed. You swear never to love again.  That your heart will never heal.  That you will never let yourself feel again.  To do your best to protect yourself from that kind of pain.

Yes, you go on about your life.  For all intents and purposes, living.  You go to work.  Take care of your child.  Hang out with friends and family.  But never truly feeling complete, whole again.  Yes you are happy.  As happy as you can be.  But something is always missing.  A part of you is closed off.  Protecting you from future hurt.

And then something amazing happens.  Someone comes into your life that makes you willing to risk being hurt again. Willing to open your heart.  Willing to take a chance on love.

At least that's what happened to me.  

At first I worried people would think because I was dating that I was forgetting Jared.  Leaving him behind. That I had stopped loving him.  And then I realised those that knew me and cared about me would know that wasn't true.  I could never forget Jared.   He will always be a part of me.  And anyone in my life would have to accept that.  My new beginning is just that person.  Our relationship quickly went from casual dating to planning forever.

And when I realized my relationship with Jon was getting serious, one of the hardest things was telling Jared's parents.  I wanted them to like Jon.  To know he loved me and Steven.  And that he knew how much we love and miss Jared. And that he wanted Jared to be a part of our life.  But I also knew telling them I was bringing someone new into our lives would be hard for them.  To hear. To see.  But they have handled it well.  Welcomed Jon.  Supported me. Continued to treat me like family.

My family and friends were happy for me.  But cautiously so. They didn’t want me to be hurt.  They worried about Steven.  But over time the caution has disappeared and Jon is just one of the gang.  Fits right in.  Making memories and sharing stories.  My friends even gave him his own hashtag… #teamjon.

A year ago, without any conscious thought, my heart decided to take a chance on love.  To open itself to joy.  To be willing to risk letting someone in my life again.  I will never forget the heart wrenching pain of Jared's death.  Nor will I ever forget the splendor of our life together.   Both of these give me a reason to live.  To take a chance on love.  To say yes to a future with Jon.

And I think Jared is #teamjon.

The Holiday Season is Hard

The holidays are such a hard time of year. During this time of year, I always miss Jared even more. I wish he was here to go to the pumpkin patch. To help Steven carve his pumpkin. To help scare the trick-or-treaters. I wish he was here to go on our Thanksgiving ski vacation. To have a snowball fight. To eat our non-traditional dinner. I wish he was here to help us decorate the house and put the ornaments on the tree. To go to mass on Christmas Eve as a family. To sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus. To see the joy on Steven’s face as he opens the gift he so desperately wanted. To join in all the fun, traditions, and spirit of the holiday season. To share in all the things that he is missing.

This year there have been a lot of changes in my life. And I am moving forward in ways I could never have imagined.  But that doesn't mean that the ache for Jared is gone. This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with Jon.  But I will still miss Jared. People are not replaceable. Having Jon here to celebrate the holidays doesn't  mean Jared absence won't be felt. And as I sit and write my annual Christmas Eve letter to Jared and share with him my feelings and thoughts as the year comes to an end, I will thank him. Thank him for giving me such a solid foundation of love. Thank him for all the holidays that we did get to share together. Thank him for going along with all of my traditions without complaining.

As Halloween rolls into Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving turns into Christmas, and Christmas becomes New Year's, I will often think of Jared. As I watch Steven snowboard down the slopes I will think I wish his dad was here. As I put the ornaments on the tree and Jared's letter in his stocking, I will think damn I wish Jared was here. On New Year's Eve as the clock strikes midnight, I will think it's another year ending and a new one beginning.that will never know Jared.  But I will also enjoy the holidays for all they are now. Count my blessings that I have an amazing son and a beautiful bonus daughter.  Enjoy honoring old traditions and starting new ones with Jon.  Feel the excitement of getting to share that kiss with someone special at midnight.  And truly be thankful that I have been blessed with two endless love stories with two amazing men. And that just because Jared can't physically be here to celebrate the holidays, doesn't mean he won't be included.  

Yes, the holidays are hard. I am constantly reminded that Jared cannot be here to enjoy our traditions and celebrations. But I know that I will always carry him in my heart. That his spirit will be wherever I am.  That there will always be a place  for him at my table..  And that I can still honor him while celebrating the holiday season with Jon.