Resistant To Change

What do you do when you realize that your new beginning's daughter may not be ready for her dad to be in a relationship?  That she doesn't want their life to change?  That for many years she has been the only “woman” in his life and she may not be ready to share him?  

My first instinct was to shut down.  Retreat.  Leave before he could leave me.  Because my biggest fear is that if his daughter doesn't approve, our relationship will be over.   But then I remembered something I learned at Camp Widow...turn down the heat.  Don't try to blend your family but instead try slow cooking it.  Give it time.  Remember that  everyone adjusts to change in their own time.  And I prayed.  Prayed for guidance and understanding.  Then I realized that this is the first time his daughter has been to my world.  First time she has spent a weekend with us.  First time she has really seen our relationship up close and personal.  And then it hit me.  I have to trust my new beginning.  He loves me, really loves me.  And he is in this relationship for the long haul.  He will figure out how to help his daughter accept that life is all about change and that not all changes are bad.   

And next month when my son and I travel to his house, it may be my child that doesn't handle the new situation well.  It may be my child who is resistant to his life changing.  And I would want Jon to be patient and understanding with him.

I know for certain, Jon is my future.  Our two families will soon be one. There will be ups and downs.  There will be bumps in the road.  There will be twists and turns.  But as long as we keep the lines of communication open, we will make it.  We got this.  Because true love can move mountains and I'm not giving up on this great love.

The 16th and 2.5 Years

Dear Lovebug,

Today I woke up missing you, needing to talk to you.  And then I realized it's the 16th.  I haven't  noticed the 16th for months, but today my heart did.  Today is exactly 2.5 years since the angels carried you home. Since my world was forever marked as before and after. Since I held you in my arms as you took your last breath. Since I had to tell our baby boy that you had gone to heaven.

I'll never forget you looking at me and saying Carla I'm dying. I just thought you had accepted that you were dying, that you were never going to get better. I didn't realize you meant you were dying right then.  I'll never forget looking at you and asking you if you were in any pain and you said no. Asking if you were scared and you said no. And then telling you what do you want me to do, just tell me what to do. And you told me to go get you a Xanax. I ran to the kitchen to get one for you and in that 30 seconds, you decided to take off your shirt and lay down on the floor. Why, I will never know. At first I thought oh no, did he get scared when I left? Was he trying to come get me and he fell?  I can't even describe the guilt I felt for months after that.  And through lots of counseling and prayer, I realized you were trying to protect me. You were trying to spare me from watching you die. There was no way you could have known that getting to say goodbye to you and watching the angels carry you home would bring me such peace and comfort over the last few years. I'll never forget when you looked towards the heavens and said Carla they're here, do you see them? And I kissed your head and told you how much I loved you, how very proud I was of you for how long you had fought, and how Steven and I were going to be okay. And then I felt you take huge breath. A deep breath that you had not been able to take in a year. And I knew then that I was watching your first breath in heaven.  And as crazy as it sounds, knowing the angels carried you home that night has brought me much peace.

You would be so proud of Steven. You  would be so proud of the young man he has become. He is kind, compassionate, and so full of life.  He loves rugby.  How I wish you were here to watch him play.  He is excelling in school.  Soon we'll  have to start thinking about high schools, make a decision.  I wish you were here to help us decide.  He is a really amazing kid.  He is definitely the best gift you ever gave me. I know sometimes you must look down, smile, and say that's my boy.

It has been a whirlwind time for me these last few months.  But I know you know that. I am certain you had a hand in sending Jon to me.  I wish I could tell you all about him.  I wish you could see me smile again.  Hear me laugh.  I know that's crazy because if you were here, there would be no Jon.  But I am so happy now Jared.  And I know that is what you would want.

But no matter how happy I am or how much I love Jon, I will always carry you in my heart.  I will always miss you.  Wish you were here.   But instead of regretting that we didn't get more time together, I am going to focus on the years we did share.  On the love.  The laughs.  The adventures.  And those memories will live on forever.

Thank you Jared for the foundation of love you gave me.  I am going to do my best to love with all my heart and fully live this life.  And I know you are saying “I never doubted you for a minute.”

Love,
Your Pretty Lady

Someday to Soon

I did a workshop at Camp Widow this weekend where we had to face our biggest fear.  And my biggest fears are forgetting Jared and Steven thinking I no longer love his dad.  Through this workshop I realized that I will never forget Jared.  Memories may fade but I will never forget his spirit or how he made me feel.  And Steven knows I will always love his dad.  He assured me of that yesterday.  I just have to let go of the fear.  By letting go of the fear, I can have a life of love and happiness.  I'm not betraying Jared.  I'm honoring him by sharing my love, by living my best life.  And I'm showing Steven that love shared is multiplied not divided.  And that it is OK to open your heart to new love.  That  loving someone new does not mean we are forgetting old love.  That we have enough room in our hearts to love new people while holding on to those who have died.

I also realized that holding onto everything that was Jared's is not necessary to hold onto our love.  That I will always have the memories.  And while some of the belongings are nice, I don't need all the stuff to keep the memories alive.  I also realized I don't want Steven to become so attached to Jared's things that he feels that is the only way to hold onto to his memories of his dad.  Yes, I want to make a quilt from Jared's clothes to have that tangible memory.  So Steven and I can wrap ourselves in his love. Yes, I want to keep many of Jared's mementos for Steven so he can have pieces of his dad's childhood.  And I want to keep certain things for myself.  But I no longer need to hold onto his medications or other items that bring up memories of the sad times.

And I learned it is OK to make room in my life for new adventures.  New love.  New experiences.  And that by inviting someone new in my life, I have the opportunity to share my memories of Jared. To share what a great dad he was.  To share how the love he gave me for 16 years shaped who I am today.  That by allowing myself to find new love, I am keeping my promise.  I am making Jared proud.

I also discovered that the word someday can be a crutch.  It is a word for a time that may never happen.  Saying I will do it someday is letting yourself off the hook for having to do it today.  Someday is a wish, a hope, a dream that may never come true. So I have decided to make today my someday.  And when realistically I can't do something today, I will set a timeframe for completion or at the very least say soon.  Life is a gift and is meant to be lived.  I am here for a reason.  I have a purpose.  And today is my someday to start living in the present and planning my future.

I feel like I made a huge step in my healing.  That I left Camp Widow more complete, less burdened.  Ready to step into life.   And I realized just how deeply I love my new beginning.  That I see my future with him.  I love that man. I want to shout it from the rooftops.   And I want to make our relationship official...soon!

And yes, it's crazy but I wish Jared was here so I could tell him all about it. Share my excitement with him.  Ensure he knows I'm keeping my promise.  But I know he is proud.  And I know he wants me to live and love.  And if it were possible, he would thank Jon for loving me. For taking care of me. He would want me to happy.  And I am. I am truly happy.  Who needs someday when I can love, live, and be happy today?

Camp Widow

Today Camp Widow comes to an end.   And I'm so grateful I came.  I needed camp.  Needed my widowed community. Needed to feel ”normal.”  Needed to find my way with my grief.

This camp centered me.  I did an intensive workshop that made me face my fear.  Forced me to look deep inside myself and realize how good it would feel if I let go of my fear. What I could have, what my life could be if I let go of my fear.  Letting go of my fear has opened up my heart, my soul.  And I feel whole again.

This weekend reinforced my belief that Jared is always going to be with me.  His spirit will always be here.  And just because I have found new love doesn't mean I don't still love him.  But I also know it is ok to love again.  It's ok to give my heart to someone new.  It's ok to want to build a happy future with someone else.  This weekend, in my heart, I felt Jared tell me it is ok and he is not only happy for me but he is proud of me.  He will always be the sunshine on my face reminding me to look up.  

This weekend gave me the tools to run full steam ahead into my future.  My future with Jon.  This amazing man who loves me.  This amazing man who wants to walk this grief journey with me.  This amazing man who wants to be a part of my child's life.  This amazing man who in 4 short months has helped me to heal in ways I never imagined. This amazing man who makes me laugh and fills my heart with joy.  This amazing man whom I love and can't imagine my life without him.

It is amazing how much I have grown, changed since Camp Widow last year.  And how far I have come in my grief journey.  I truly know without a doubt that love begets love.  And love shared is multiplied not divided.  And the best way to honor Jared is to live my best life.  To share my love.   To build a happy future.   

Here's to my future.  One filled with love and happiness.

Grief and Judgement

One thing I have learned about grief, is that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no right way to do grieve. Only the way that is right for you. No matter what you do or don't do, someone is going to point and judge.  

You're healing too fast.  How could you possibly be moving forward already?

You're healing too slow.   Why aren't you over it yet?  When will the “old” you return?  

It's been months, it's time you started dating.  You're too young to spend the rest of your life alone.

I can't believe you're dating already.  Did you even think how your child must feel seeing you with someone else?

Your child has become your entire reason for living.  That's not healthy.

You're to focused on yourself.   You don't think about anyone else.

You always talk about him. No one wants to be reminded that he is dead.

You never talk about him anymore.   Did you forget him?

And the list goes on and on.   

No matter how well you think you are handling your grief, someone will point out how you are doing it wrong.  No matter how hard you try to be the best solo parent you can be, someone will tell you how to do it better.  No matter how hard you strive to find a new normal and put your life back together, someone will try and suck the wind out of your sails.

But I have learned, no one can grieve for me.  No one is walking my path except for me.  I have to grieve how I feel is best. And I can't worry about what anyone else may or may not think.  So to those who point and judge, go ahead judge away.  But to those who support and encourage, thank you.  Thank you for letting me know I'm going to make it. And that's it is OK to do it my way.

Broken Faucet and Rabbit Hole

Tonight, Steven came out to tell me his bathroom shower faucet was broken.  And I knew I was the only person to fix it.  And I HATE that I am the only person in my house to fix that f***king faucet.  I don't want to do it alone.  I want him to be here to fix the damn faucet.  I'm not supposed to be a solo mom.  A team of one. This is not how I envisioned my life.  And just like that, I went down the rabbit hole.  And all because of a broken faucet.  

In two days, I will be going to my 4th Camp Widow. I love Camp Widow and can't wait to see everyone yet camp is in itself a trigger.  I go because I am a widow who needs advice from other widows.  And I need all the help I can get.  Help on how to be a solo mom. Help on how to support my child’s grief.  Help on how to balance dating with my grief.  Help on how to blend a family.  Help on how to navigate that rabbit hole which opens up because a faucet broke.

Dating brings it's own issues.  It's own grief triggers.  Yes, I am deliciously happy with Jon. But at the same time I miss Jared.  And that makes me feel guilty.  Dating, new love, and planning this future is new territory for me.  And for Steven. We have never done this before. It is uncharted territory.  And I can't help but think if I am struggling with finding balance, what must Steven be going through?  What must Jon be feeling?  Sometimes I find myself pushing him away because I'm afraid this will become too much and he will leave.  And that thought terrifies me.  In my heart, I know he won't but fear isn't rational.  I am hoping to get some answers, some resources, some support at camp this weekend.  Hoping that the widows who have walked this path before me can give me some advice.  Advice on how to build my future with a new love.  How to find the balance.  How to blend a family.  How to help my son cope with his grief. How to navigate the rabbit hole.

All this emotion because of a broken bathroom faucet.   And yes, I know the faucet isn't the problem.  It was just the portal that led me down the rabbit hole tonight.   

No Good Option

This weekend further solidified my relationship with Jon.  I know it seems crazy.  That we are moving super fast.  But for us, it just feels right.  Each weekend we spend together, just seems to reinforce that we are meant to be together.  Yes, we know we need more time to further get to know each other.  More time for our children to adjust to this relationship. More time to become a family.  But we know that eventually we want to make our relationship official.

We just don't know when.  I promised my son if we were ever going to move, it  wouldn't happen until the summer between his 8th and 9th grade year.  Which is next summer.  And Jon can't leave his daughter before she graduates high school.  Which will be the summer of 2019.  So, therein lies our dilemma.  Do I uproot my son, leave our entire support system, quit my job, and move to Texas next summer?  Or do we wait an additional year when he could move to Florida? Granted, he'll have to leave his college bound daughter and quit his job. There is no good option.  Either way, one of us has to give up our current life to start our new life.  And how do you ask someone to do that for you?  

I want to spend forever with this man.  And if we didn't have our children to think of, I would run away with him tomorrow.  But that isn't an option.  He thinks it would be better for my son for our environment to remain stable and for us to wait until 2019 to officially live together.  And I love him for putting my child's needs first.  It just shows what a wonderful, selfless man he is.  I know for most people 2 years doesn't seem that long, but as a widow, I am acutely aware that life is short and worry that if we put off beginning our life together, something terrible could happen and I would always regret that we didn't just go for it.  Yet on the other hand, I have to think of what is best for my son and his daughter. There is no good option.

So I will keep praying about it and hope God offers a better solution than 2 more years of long distance dating.  And if that is the answer, I pray he gives me the grace to endure the time and distance.