Not Over Jared

People have asked me that since I'm dating, seriously dating, does that mean I am over Jared.  The short answer is NO.  The long answer is that I will never be over Jared.  I will always love him. I will always miss him.  I will always wish he could still be here, especially for Steven.  I will always wish I could have one more day.  One more hour.  One more minute.

But as much as I miss him, I am still here.  I still have a life to live.  And because of that, I am choosing to move forward.  I am moving forward because life is meant to be lived.  Jared made me promise to live and love again.  And the best way to honor him, is to live my best life.  I think Jared would be proud of me.  And he would understand that my moving forward doesn't mean I am forgetting him or leaving him behind. Jared will always be with me. He will continue to be written into the story of my life.

And I have to continue to write my story.  My story did not end just because Jared died.  It changed, permanently changed, but it didn't end.  And now my story includes a new love. A new beginning.   A chance for my heart to expand.  An opportunity to write the next volume of my story.  But finding new love doesn't diminish my love for Jared.  My heart has room to love both men.  

I never thought I would find love again. Didn't even know I wanted to love again.   Instead love found me.  And I'm glad it did.  But that doesn't mean I'm over Jared. It means I know how precious life is.  How precious love is.  And that I am going to live my life to the fullest.  That I'm going to love to the fullest.  That I'm going to honor Jared by keeping my promise.  

So no, dating does not mean I am over Jared.  It means that his love gave me the strength, the courage, the hope to move forward.   To live again.  To love again.

Blessings

Today I am reminded how blessed I am. Sometimes, given all the grief and heartache it is difficult to remember just how blessed I am.  And just how much my life has changed in the last few years and especially the last few months. 

I was blessed to know a tremendous  love.  A love I would not change.  A love that was worth every ounce of heartache.  A love that I always knew would end to soon. A love I would chose a million times over.  A love that for 16 years was my everything. A love that honored the vow until death do us a part.  A love that will never truly end because death does not end love.  A love that gave me a foundation to survive his death.  A love that gave me the strength to live.  A love that encouraged me to open my heart and accept new love.

And now I am blessed to know a new love.  A love that honors my past.  A love that knows I will always love and miss my first love.  A love that wants to walk my grief journey with me.  A love that will wipe my tears when my heart aches for my first love.  A love that understands my son will always have a dad who lives in heaven and yet wants to be his dad on earth.  A love that even though he cannot be my first love wants to be my last love.  A love with whom I can envision growing old.  A love I truly believe was heaven sent.

And through it all I have been blessed to have my wonderful friends and family supporting me. My dear friends who, in the depths of my grief, gathered around to let me know I was not alone.  Friends who encouraged me to live but understood that sometimes the grief would make it difficult to do so. Friends who told me it was ok to be happy, to laugh, to move forward.  Friends who when I told them I had unexpectedly met someone, were truly happy for me.  Friends who have welcomed my new beginning with open arms. Friends who have stood by my side during my darkest days and also raised a glass to celebrate my joy.   My family who even though they new my heart was shattered by Jared's death, hoped that one day I would find new love because they didn't want to me spend the rest of my life alone.  My family who are excited for me and my adventure with my new beginning. 

So today, I am counting my blessings:  

My first love who taught me that life is short and love never ends.  

My new love who showed me that love shared expands the heart instead of dividing it. 

My friends who are always by my side offering their unwavering support.

My family who truly just want me to be happy.  

Blending My Two Worlds

My new beginning came to visit this weekend.  I wasn't sure how he would handle coming to my home. The home I shared with Jared.  My home that is full of so many memories of Jared.  But he handled it like a champ. Like he has always been a part of my world.

Friday morning he came with me to drop Sreven off at school and met my circle of prayer warriors.  Friday night we took my son to see Wicked. It was a belated Valentine's Day celebration.  Yesterday afternoon he met Jared's mom, brother and his fiance as well as their beautiful baby girl. And it was like they had known each other forever. He was very comfortable answering their questions. Hearing their stories of Jared. And without having to say it, he let them know just how important Steven and I are to him and how respectful he is of Jared's place in our world. Last night he met my dear friend and her husband. And we spent the night talking and laughing. And it was so easy. Like he had always been part of our group. He just fit right in. Today, we are going to meet several of my friends for lunch.  And I'm certain Jon will do just fine. Hopefully, my friends will see how much he loves and cares about me and Steven. And that will make them welcome him with open arms.

It has been an amazing weekend. One that has exceeded my expectations. And I can't wait for Jon to visit again.  But this morning as I sit here alone while everyone else is asleep at my house, I feel a little emotional. I'm happy with Jon. Happier than I ever imagined I could be again.  He makes me laugh. He has helped me to heal in a way I never thought possible. Yet, I still miss Jared.  My newfound love, my newfound joy is bittersweet.   My heart is so full.  Yet the part that will always belong to Jared is aching. I'm excited about my future with Jon.  But at the same time I'm sad I won't get to see the future I had planned with Jared. Once again, I have to find the balance.  Figure out how to not let grief overtake my joy.  Discover how to live and love in the here and now while honoring my past.  

I am blessed that Jon understands.  That he is not jealous of Jared.   That he knows it is not a competition. That he wants to include Jared in our future. That he loves me and will hold me when it all becomes too much.  That he is an amazing man who will spend the weekend meeting those that are important to me.  Accept the scrutiny.   Answer all their questions.  And do it happily because he knows how much it means to me.   

It has been a weekend full of love and laughter with my new beginning.  I hate that it has to end.  But it gives me something to look forward to. 

New Beginning Comes To Visit

Today my new beginning is coming to visit for the weekend. This will be the first time he has come to my world. I am both nervous and excited.

Excited to share my life with him. For him to see my house. For him to meet my friends. For him to be part of my world. But I'm also nervous.  What if my friends don't like him?  What if he doesn't like my friends?  What if he doesn't fit in my world?  What if he fits in perfectly and then has to go home?  

So many questions.  So many unknowns. But the one thing I do know for certain...I am grateful this man came into my life.  Thankful he is willing to walk this crazy grief journey with me. Blessed that he honors my past.  Happy that he wants to build a relationship with my son.  Excited to see what our future holds.

Today my new beginning is coming to visit. And I am overjoyed to spend the weekend with him.

Part of the Widow Package

Tomorrow is the day of love. And I am blah.  Why?  I have no idea. For the first time since Jared died, I have a reason to celebrate this day.

Jared was not big on Valentine's Day. He used to say it was a Hallmark holiday. But even though he said that, he always made sure we celebrated it. He made sure to give me something special to show how much he loved me. The Valentine's days after he died I was so lonely. A world full of couples and I was alone. My valentine was in heaven. There would be no flowers. No romantic dinners.  No gifts of love. And it was hard. So very hard.  

But this year is different. I have a new love and a new reason to celebrate.  Plus, I have amazingly fun plans for tomorrow night.    But yet here I am...feeling blah.  Trying to find the balance between grief and joy.  Figure out how to celebrate my new love without feeling guilty.  How to handle the duality of new love and loss.  How to fit into this new world while not forgetting the old one.  How to live my best life moving forward while honoring my past.

I know I will be better tomorrow. The day before a holiday is always worse than the day itself.  But these feelings will keep resurfacing.  Every special day.  Even plain ole ordinary days.  And I'll have to figure out how to handle them.   That's just part of the package that comes with being a widow.

No

Valentine's Day: 3 Years Later

For the first time since Jared died, I am looking forward to Valentine's Day.  I am happy, extremely happy in my new relationship and can't wait to celebrate the day of love with my new beginning.   Yet, my heart hurts because I miss Jared.  I wish he were here.  I wish he could see that I am happy again.  I wish he could have met Jon. And that Jon could have known Jared.  I know that sounds crazy because if Jared were here, I wouldn't be with Jon.  

Even as I journey deeper into my new, wonderful relationship, I will always treasure my love story with Jared. A love story that was different than most.  A love, that despite the pain and heartache of grief, I was blessed to know. And would do all over again. A love story that  will never end because death does not end love.  Our love story gave me my greatest gift, a boy who reminds me daily of his daddy.  A love story where I was blessed to be Jared's forever love.

And now I am blessed with new love.  A wonderful, new, exciting, amazing love. A love I never expected to find.  A love for which I didn't even know I was ready.  A love I truly believe was heaven sent.  A love that makes me excited to celebrate Valentine's Day.  

On this Valentine's Day, I will be grateful that I am twice blessed.  That I was blessed with a wonderful love story with Jared.  A love story that shaped who I am today and will continue to guide me as I venture forward in life.  And that I am blessed with a new love story with Jon. A love that is my future.   

I would never have believed that Valentine's Day could be good again.  But here I am the 3rd Valentine's after Jared's death, looking forward to celebrating this day of love. I will celebrate my love stories.  Past, present, and future.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Lessons of Widowhood

Lessons of Widowhood

Death sucks. Plain and simple, it just sucks.

Solo parenting is not an easy task. You are on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There's no one to take your child for a night or weekend so you can get away. There's no one to help with homework at night. There's no one to say tag you're it, I need a break.

Watching your child's heartbreak as they kiss their father's casket is no memory any mother should have.

The pain of knowing you will always miss someone that isn't ever coming back.

The heartache of loving someone that will never again say I love you too.

That grief is complex and multi-layered. And that no amount of time or experience can prepare you to bury your love.

The loneliness of being the only single person in a room full of couples.

That the nights are the hardest. And the loneliest.

On a good day, seeing your child grieve will bring your grief tumbling right back to the surface.

Unexpected grief triggers are the worst.

That holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will now always be bittersweet.

That your child worries you might die too.

That sometimes grief is so great you can't see, hear, or feel anything else.

That guilt is your new best friend.

That some days all you can do is survive.

That you'll never feel as helpless as you did watching your spouse die.  Or your child's heartbreak.

That your child will always wish their other parent was here to see their accomplishments.

That one day you'll smile at the memories instead of cry.

That you must choose to live life after lost.

That you can be happy even after.

That grief and joy can coexist.

That when life is good again, you'll wish your late spouse was here to see that you are happy.

That the best way to honor your late spouse is to live.  To laugh.  To love.