Take A Chance On Love

This week I have been thinking about love.  And how it changes.  Changes people.  Changes relationships.  Changes over time.  Love changed my life 19 years ago and again 7 months ago.   Compared to a year ago, my life has changed dramatically because of love.  While grief will always be a part of my life, love has helped heal my broken heart.

Opening myself up to love after loss was by no means easy.  It was absolutely terrifying.  Asking Steven to open his heart to love and accept others into our family was not a conversation I had ever envisioned having.  But it was an opportunity for us to talk about how our hearts are capable of expanding to love multiple people.  Thankfully, he is such a warm, kind, loving kid with a heart that knows no limits.  And now that I know what we would be missing out on if we had closed off our hearts to love,  I am grateful fear did not stop us from taking a chance on love.

My hope is that people will realize that love shared is multiplied, not divided.  That people are capable of loving more than one person. That new love does not diminish an old love. That we can never have too much love.

Love can heal so many wounds.

Love can open us up to so much joy.

Love can be wonderful, especially when shared.

We can't have too much love.

Time To Stop Being A Planner

I used to think of myself as spontaneous, even though I tend to be somewhat of a planner. I always plan our vacations well in advance because we have a timeshare with Marriott and if you want the best locations, you have to sometimes book a year ahead. So while I've always booked our vacation spot early I didn't necessarily book what we would  do. We would come up with a list of the must-sees while we're on vacation and then everything else was a bonus. We would wake up each morning and decide what we were going to do that day. And some days we did nothing. What Steven still lovingly refers to as a resort day.

But since Jared died, I find myself planning out my life. Not just vacations. But specific details.  Trying to put everything on a timeline.  In a tidy space.

And it hit me. I've become a planner as a means of control. I had no control over Jared's illness. I had no control over his death. When he died my world spun out of control. So planning became my way to have control.  To avoid the unknown. To not have to stop and think. And especially to not have to feel. If I planned out my life and I knew exactly what was going to happen and what to expect, there would be no surprises. Then I would not have to worry about my world spinning out of control again.

But I realized last night, that I can't plan everything. That I don't have the power to control and plan everything and everyone around me.  And maybe it's time to relinquish some of that control. To go back to being spontaneous. To just waking up in the morning without a plan for the day.  To just have faith and see what happens.  To just let go and enjoy all life has to offer.  To see what wondrous things can happen when I'm not planning out every detail.

New Adventures

On Friday my new beginning is coming to town and we are embarking on a new adventure.  Our first road trip.  Our first flight together. Spending time alone with each of our children.  Trying to forge a family bond.

We are driving Steven to Boy Scout Camp.  And Jon is flying in to make the trip with us.  We'll spend hours together in the car.  Time to talk.  To play car games.  To be a family.  My wish is that the time together will bring Steven and Jon closer together.   Help them to develop and solidify their relationship.  Because if all goes as planned, Jon will be Steven's dad on earth.  And I want Steven to love Jon.  And I pray Jon can love Steven just a fraction of how he loves his daughter.

I'm going to meet his mother.  The woman who raised the man I love.  And I hope she likes me.  What if she doesn't?  Will our relationship survive if his mom doesn't approve?  Can she understand that I will always love Jared and yet my whole heart loves her son.  That I won't be perfect but I will do the best I can to make Jon happy.

And then I'll be spending a few days in Texas.  Jon has to work during the day so depending on her schedule, Alli and I might have a lot of time together.  And I hope she lets me in.  Let's me be part of her life.  Accepts me.  And eventually grows to love me.  I desperately want us to be a family but I can't force it.  If I force it or push too hard, she'll push back.   She is Jon's whole world and without her acceptance and approval, I'm not certain our relationship will go the distance.  So I will do my very best to show Alli how much I care and love her without threatening her relationship with dad.

And this is just our first adventure. Our first adventure of many.  Fingers crossed, we will have years of fun, family adventures.  

Birthday Changes

What a difference a year makes.  This time last year I was so deeply saddened that once again I was spending my birthday without Jared. And I could never imagine a day where I would once again celebrate my birthday with someone who loved me.  Someone who would be my life partner.

But this year all that changed. Seven months ago, I met an amazing man. A man who wants to love me for who I am. A man who is willing to walk my widow journey with me. A man who knows there are going to be hard days and sad days but still wants to be by my side. A man who wants to be a father figure to my son. A man who wants us to be a family.  A man who only wanted to make me feel special and loved on my birthday.  And succeeded beyond my wildest expectations.   

Do I still miss Jared?  Absolutely.  I will always miss him.  But that doesn't mean I can't love someone new.   Can't enjoy my birthday again.  Can't feel loved and special in someone else's arms. Can't move forward.

On this day which marks a new year for me, I am starting anew.  Making plans for my future with my new beginning.  Planning our forever.  A plan for which we have been praying and God gave us an answer this weekend.  A plan that I am excited about.  A future that I'm looking forward to beginning.   

This weekend truly solidified our relationship. Deepened our connection.  Proved that we are destined to be together.  The plans for our future will, hopefully, make the distance more tolerable.  As we look forward, we know where we are going and how we want to get there.   And without our time together this weekend, that may not have happened.  

A year ago I could not have imagined that I would be celebrating my next birthday with a man I love.  But that's exactly what I did this weekend.  It's amazing how much life can change when you open your heart to new beginnings. 

1,000 Days

1,000 days.

Today marks 1,000 days that Jared has lived in Heaven.

And it's my 45th birthday.

Only a widowed person can appreciate the irony in that.

A day that starts a new year for me also marks a milestone.  I used to think I couldn't survive one day without Jared yet somehow I have survived a thousand.  How is that possible?

1,000 days since I last heard his voice.  Last felt his lips on mine.  Last had his arms around me.  Last laid my head on his chest.  Last heard his laugh.  

1,000 days since he last sat in his chair.  Last ate dinner at our table as a family.  Last tucked Steven into bed.  Last kissed me goodnight.  Last helped Steven with his homework.

1,000 days since our world changed forever.

1,000 days since we went from a family of three to just the two of us.

1,000 days since we made a memory together.

1,000 days since we were planning our next adventure.

1,000 days since everything as I knew it came to an end.  

1,000 days since I learned what it really meant to be a widow.

1,000 days that have taught me to appreciate life.   To be grateful for every single day. To know that life is short and shouldn't be taken for granted.  To see the beauty all around me.  To choose to be happy especially on the hard days. To be slow to anger.  To laugh, a lot. To not sweat the small stuff.  To have less patience for bullshit. To hold tight to those who have been there for me.  To never say no to an adventure.  To realize that even though memories my fade, feelings of love never will.  To do more than just survive.  To make my life count.  To never regret.  To keep my promise.

1,000.  A lifetime of change counted in days.

Tearing Down The Walls

It's been a month since I last saw Jon.  The longest we have been separated since we first met.  And you know they sayings absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind?  Well I have experienced both.  For different reasons.  

The first few weeks were terrible, definitely absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I missed him to the very core of my being. But these last two weeks I have found myself disconnecting, becoming more of out of sight out of mind.  As the distance has gotten harder, I find myself pulling away.  Disconnecting.

It is a coping mechanism.  I learned at an early age that everybody dies. That eventually everyone leaves. And that lesson has been reinforced my entire life. Often when I feel myself getting close to someone, I either pull away or push that someone I love away.  I push to see how far it will take before they leave too. Another poor coping mechanism. A way to ensure that if that person does decides to leave, it won't hurt as much because I already expected it. It's a way of having a wall up to protect my heart.

When I first started dating my husband and our relationship got serious, I did the same thing to him. And I remember him saying you can push me away all you want but I'm not leaving. But eventually he did leave. Sixteen years later he died. A death that I always knew was going to come.  And sometimes now I wonder if I truly let him in completely or did I unknowingly have a wall up to protect myself.  That is a question for which I don't have an answer.  

And now with Jon, as the time between visits lengthens I find myself disconnecting.  Sometimes picking a fight to see if it will push him away.  I love him with all my heart. I see my future with him.  And that scares me. It scares me to think that I have given him my whole heart. Because I know, better than most, that eventually everyone dies. And it hurts to think that one day he will leave too.  So as the distance gets harder, I feel my walls going up.

But if I want to truly enjoy life with my new love, I have to let go of the fear. I have to tear down all the walls. I have to let myself love Jon without worrying that one day he will leave too. I'm hoping, because I recognize this pattern of poor coping skills, I can stop it. That I can let Jon in and love him without disconnecting. Without pulling away. Without pushing him away.  That I can just let go and enjoy him.  Enjoy the love we share.  And not have that worry in the back of my head, nagging me.  

I want more of absence makes the heart grow fonder. When the distance is separating us, I want to allow myself to miss him. Miss him with all of my being. And not put walls up to protect myself. But just allow myself to miss him and know that the next time I see him it will feel that much better.  It will be worth the distance.  Worth the time apart.  Worth risking my heart.  Because my future happiness depends on being able to love this man without unknowingly sabotaging our relationship.   And I do love him.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  And I have to trust that that will be enough.  And if the unthinkable should happen, I know our love will have been worth the pain.  

Here's to tearing down walls.  Refusing to disconnect and pull away.  Risking potential heartache.  Taking a chance on love.  Deserving happily ever after. 

Grief is a Craxy Thing

Grief is complicated. There is no rule book. There is no right or wrong way. There is no straight path from A to B. It's just a complete fly by the seat of your pants journey.

Today I was texting with my new beginning, flirting and laughing. And at the same time my heart was hurting because I miss Jared. How crazy is that?

Jared's birthday is next Wednesday.  He would have been 40.  And my birthday is the following Monday.  I am saddened that this is the 3rd year that Jared will celebrate his birthday in heaven.  And that he won't be here to wish me a happy birthday.  Yet, I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday with friends.  Crazy right?

We are planning a summer vacation, a cruise thru Europe.  I'm excited to take this family trip with Jon and his daughter.  But I still can't help but wish Jared could be here to take a vacation with me and Steven. I know, crazy.

So many times as I celebrate events or milestones in Steven's life, I am simultaneously filled with pride and longing that Jared could be celebrating with us.  Often as I experience joy, grief is right there to remind me who is missing.  Crazy, conflicting emotions.

Grief is complicated.  There is no clear cut path.  Yet, I found that despite my grief or maybe because of it, I can choose to be happy.  Choose to focus on the positives in my life.  Choose to remember Jared with laughter instead of tears.  Choose to love again because of my love story with Jared.  Choose to move forward and truly live again all the while knowing Jared’s spirit is never far away.  Grief is an unique journey.  And because of my journey, my life is better than I ever thought it could be again.  Crazy isn't it?