It's been a month since I last saw Jon. The longest we have been separated since we first met. And you know they sayings absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind? Well I have experienced both. For different reasons.
The first few weeks were terrible, definitely absence makes the heart grow fonder. I missed him to the very core of my being. But these last two weeks I have found myself disconnecting, becoming more of out of sight out of mind. As the distance has gotten harder, I find myself pulling away. Disconnecting.
It is a coping mechanism. I learned at an early age that everybody dies. That eventually everyone leaves. And that lesson has been reinforced my entire life. Often when I feel myself getting close to someone, I either pull away or push that someone I love away. I push to see how far it will take before they leave too. Another poor coping mechanism. A way to ensure that if that person does decides to leave, it won't hurt as much because I already expected it. It's a way of having a wall up to protect my heart.
When I first started dating my husband and our relationship got serious, I did the same thing to him. And I remember him saying you can push me away all you want but I'm not leaving. But eventually he did leave. Sixteen years later he died. A death that I always knew was going to come. And sometimes now I wonder if I truly let him in completely or did I unknowingly have a wall up to protect myself. That is a question for which I don't have an answer.
And now with Jon, as the time between visits lengthens I find myself disconnecting. Sometimes picking a fight to see if it will push him away. I love him with all my heart. I see my future with him. And that scares me. It scares me to think that I have given him my whole heart. Because I know, better than most, that eventually everyone dies. And it hurts to think that one day he will leave too. So as the distance gets harder, I feel my walls going up.
But if I want to truly enjoy life with my new love, I have to let go of the fear. I have to tear down all the walls. I have to let myself love Jon without worrying that one day he will leave too. I'm hoping, because I recognize this pattern of poor coping skills, I can stop it. That I can let Jon in and love him without disconnecting. Without pulling away. Without pushing him away. That I can just let go and enjoy him. Enjoy the love we share. And not have that worry in the back of my head, nagging me.
I want more of absence makes the heart grow fonder. When the distance is separating us, I want to allow myself to miss him. Miss him with all of my being. And not put walls up to protect myself. But just allow myself to miss him and know that the next time I see him it will feel that much better. It will be worth the distance. Worth the time apart. Worth risking my heart. Because my future happiness depends on being able to love this man without unknowingly sabotaging our relationship. And I do love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I have to trust that that will be enough. And if the unthinkable should happen, I know our love will have been worth the pain.
Here's to tearing down walls. Refusing to disconnect and pull away. Risking potential heartache. Taking a chance on love. Deserving happily ever after.
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