Always and Forever

Always and forever.

Two words that can be so hard.

I'll always love Jared.  And I'll always miss him.

Jared is forever gone from this earth.  I'll spend forever, the rest of my life without him.

Always and forever.  Two words that can inflict such emotional pain.

How can two words hurt so much?

Promises of always and forever bring such joy but when those promises are broken for reasons we cannot understand, that joy turns to heartache.

I'll always feel Jared's love in my heart.

I'll forever be Jared's widow.

I always try to keep my promises and I made my husband a promise to live.

I will forever be living a life that was not planned.  Planning a future without my forever love by my side.

I'll always keep Jared's memory alive.

As long as I live, he will be remembered, forever.

I have recently realized that I will always survive, even when I think I can't.

I will forever be grateful that I was Jared's forever love.

I will always live and hope he is proud.

I will forever listen for him in the waves of the ocean.

I will always know I am blessed with a love story many never get to experience.

I will forever be thankful for a love that can withstand death.

I will always ensure that my son knows his father loved him and never wanted to leave him.

I will forever tell Steven his dad would be proud of him.

I will always encourage Steven to seek out adventure as life is meant to be lived.

I will forever remind Steven that his dad wanted nothing more than to see Steven happy.

I will always hold Jared in my heart.  

There will forever be a part of my soul that is reserved just for our special love.

I will always try to honor my promise and truly live.

I will forever wonder what Jared would think about my decisions for this new life.

I will always love Jared no matter what journey my life takes.

I will forever be changed because of Jared's life and his death.

I will always be discovering who I am now and who I want to be.

I will forever be living a life that counts because he would expect no less.

I will always know I can face life's hardest obstacles and do more than just survive.

I will forever remember that life is meant to not just be lived but enjoyed.

Always and forever.

Two words that can bring joy, heartache, and now, for me, hope.

And I can absolutely feel Jared smiling down on me with love and pride...always and forever.

Father's Day

Father's Day is a day to celebrate the dad's in our lives.  Unfortunately, my dad will be celebrating his 10th Father's Day in heaven and Jared will be celebrating his 2nd.  I'm sure they are celebrating together, saying few words.

Steven and I are of course sad that Jared is not here to celebrate Father's Day with us but instead of ignoring the day, we will celebrate by making new memories to honor Jared.  We could chose to focus on the sadness, the heartache, and the sorrow or we can chose to remember and be thankful for the Father's Days we did get to celebrate with Jared.

This year we are celebrating Father's Day by checking off another box on our “must see” list.  Jared always wanted to see Montana and Wyoming, so Steven and I are seeing it for him.  And even though Jared is no longer physically with us, he is still a part of our lives.  We talk about him as we hike, ride horses, and sightsee.  He is always with us even though we can't see him in the pictures.  He will continue to be part of our memories and adventures.

Last year, I wanted to forget Father's Day.  Celebrating the day just intensified Jared's absence.  But we didn't ignore the day, we celebrated with friends who are like family and who made a point to toast Steven's dad even though he wasn't sitting at the table. And that's when I realized Steven needed to celebrate his dad.  Celebrate the 10 Father's Days he did get to spend with Jared and to always remember how much his dad loved him and was proud to be his dad.  I want Steven to always know that he  will continue to celebrate his dad on Father's Day even though or maybe because Jared is in heaven.

Father's Day is a bitter sweet day for us.  We wish with all our hearts that Jared could be to celebrate this special day just for dads.  But since he cannot, we will raise a glass and share a toast to him.  We will share memories of past Father's Days and feel grateful for the time God gave us with Jared. We will share memories of special days and the ordinary days and remember that as long as we remember and talk about Jared, he is never truly gone.  Steven and I will always celebrate Jared because even though he is heaven, he is still Steven's dad.  And we will always be thankful that he was and continues to be a part of our lives.  

Happy Father's Day Jared, we love and miss you.

Celebrate the dads in your life...especially the ones who are no longer here to celebrate with you.

21 months later

Today is 21 months since my world changed forever.  To honor Jared and his life, Steven and I are spending time in Montana and Wyoming, places Jared always wanted to see and that were on our list.  And it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.

This vacation has made me face my fears (riding a horse on the edge of a cliff) and empowered me to know I can do and survive anything. This vacation has also been so healing for Steven.  Him telling me he feels good for the first time since Jared died has made this trip worthwhile.

Our life will never be the same without Jared but now we know it will still be a life well lived.  A life he will be proud we lived.  A life where we face new adventures.  A life of love and laughter. A full life.

We will always miss Jared and wish he was here to share in our adventures but since that wish cannot come true, we will live and take many adventures and know he is watching over us and smiling.

It's my birthday and I'll runaway if I want to

Sunday will be my birthday.  My second without my husband.

Birthdays were a special time for us.  Our birthdays are only 5 days apart.  Even though we would celebrate each other's special day, we always celebrated “our” birthday together.   

Last year I celebrated my husband's birthday with family and friends.  Celebrating his life.  And it was surprisingly, a good day.  We laughed, we reminisced, and we cried but it was a good day.  We celebrated Jared on his birthday.

My birthday, not so much.  My friends had a painting party the night before my birthday and we had a wonderful time.  But my actual birthday was lackluster at best.  I had purposefully planned to be out of town for work on my birthday.  My colleagues presented me with a beautiful birthday dessert and wished me happy birthday.  But despite their attempts at a celebration, my birthday felt hollow, empty without Jared.

I remember telling my friend that I thought Jared's birthday would be hard but instead mine was the hard one.  I never expected my birthday to be the difficult one.  To be the grief trigger. And she told me that made perfect sense to her.  She said I had always made Jared's birthday all about Jared and this year was no different.  But there was no one to make my birthday all about me.  No one special to make me day special.  I had never thought about it that way, but she was right.   My birthday just didn't seem as special without my love.

Tuesday would have been my husband's 39th birthday.  Once again, friends gathered with me to celebrate.  We toasted my husband and shared our favorite stories.  But it was harder this year.  I was more emotional, crying at the drop of a hat, and my patience was thin. Since I handled last year pretty well, I thought this year would be the same.  But nope, it wasn't.  That's grief, always changing.  

And now, in just a few days, I will again be celebrating my birthday without him.  And once again, I am dreading it. My girlfriends are hosting a wine and cheese night to celebrate my big day.  I am so appreciative that my dear, sweet, thoughtful friend organized a night to celebrate my special day.  And we will have a good time.  But on my actual birthday, my son and I will fly to a dude ranch in Wyoming.  Am I running away from my birthday?  Absolutely.  I can handle an early birthday celebration but I'm not ready to face the actual day yet.  And for me, the best way to avoid the day is to make memories with my son.

On Sunday, I will wish my husband was here (as I do everyday).  I will wish he could give me a happy birthday kiss.  I will wish he was here to give me a card with a hand decorated envelope.  I will wish we were planning our birthday celebration. I will wish my someone special was with me on my special day.  But all the wishes in the world won't bring my husband back.  So instead I will gloss over the day and instead chose to start an adventure with my son.  Maybe next year I will feel differently but right now I will be thankful for my friends who help to celebrate my special day early so I can runaway to make new memories with Steven .

It's my birthday after all and I can celebrate anyway I want to. 

Happy Birthday Lovebug

Dear Lovebug,

Happy Birthday!!  Today you would be 39 and I would be teasing you about turning the big 4-0 next year.  And you would so sweetly remind me that since I am older, I would be turning 50 first.  But instead, you are forever 37.  And I will be celebrating your birthday without you.

It's hard to not be bitter.  To not be angry.  To not ask why?  But then I think why not you?  Why not me?  I know God had a plan for you.  And He has a plan for me.  I may not know it, I may not like it, but He has one.  So instead of feeling bitter and angry, I will celebrate you.

We will gather tonight at World of Beer and eat pizza.  We will share stories of your life and sarcastic sense of humor.  We will toast you and eat chocolate chip cookie cake in your honor.  And the entire time, I will wish you were here.

This is your second birthday in heaven.  Do you celebrate birthdays in heaven?  If so, I bet my dad is telling his off color but funny jokes for you.  I wish I could celebrate this birthday with you.

I miss celebrating our birthdays.   I miss making your day special.  I miss you making my day special.  I miss knowing that we would always celebrate our birthdays together.  I miss giving you a birthday kiss.  I miss hearing Steven say “happy birthday daddy.”  I miss you.

I should be shopping for your gift.  Steven and I wrapping it in secret.  Watching your face as you open it.  Feeling your arms around me and your lips on mine as you kiss me and say “thank you pretty lady.”.  But instead, I will pick Steven up from school and come home.  Without you.

Today and everyday, I will do my best to remember how well you lived your life.  I will smile as I think of you.  I will cherish every birthday and every single day we spent together.  I may shed a tear it two.  I will definitely shed a tear or two but I will also laugh at wonderful memories.   I will be grateful for our life together.  I will be thankful that God brought us together.  I will celebrate you.  I will carry you in my heart and in soul.  I will lift a glass to you and those who love you and miss you too will say “Here's to Jared.”

Happy birthday my love!!   I love you forever. I miss you more than words can say.

Celebrating your 37th birthday.  If only I had known it would be your last.