Football Season

Football Season...

Football season for us has always been a family affair.  We bleed orange and blue and never miss the Gator home opener.  Now football is bittersweet.  Steven and I will go to the first game of the season without Jared for the second year in a row.  But we will go.  We will cheer for our team.  We will visit Jared's memorial brick.  We will keep our football tradition alive.

Football season for us has always been a family affair.  Jared was a coach for the first 4 seasons that Steven played football.  This week football practice started and for the second year, Coach Duff is not on the side lines. Yet Steven is excited to play football.  He says his dad is coaching him from heaven.

Football season for us has always been a family affair.  I think I feel Jared's absence more than Steven does.  I enjoyed watching Jared share his love of football with Steven. And now there is no one but me.   No parent to share the load with me. It's home from work and straight to practice.  No downtime for this football mom.  At least not for the next 3 months.  

Football season for us has always been a family affair.  We talk about Jared a lot during football.  Speculate on how he would feel about a particular play.  Know he would be proud of Steven.  Football season is now bittersweet.  A wonderful time to remember Jared but a reminder that he is gone.  

Football season for us has always been a family affair.  And it always will be.

Grieving the Best I Can

People tell me you are so strong, I don't know how you do it. My response to them is I didn't have a choice. When someone you love more than life itself dies, no one gives you the choice to stop living.  I had a child to take care of, bills to pay, and I promise to keep.  

But as I try to move forward in this new life, I will always honor my past. Part of moving forward, is bringing Jared with me. His love for me shaped who I am today. And his death shaped who I am becoming.

I talk about him because I never want anyone to forget him.  And when you talk about him, it doesn't make me sad, it makes me smile.  It lets me know others love him and will never forget him either. I keep his pictures up in my house because he will always be a part of our lives.  He is still my husband.  He is still our son's father. Just because Jared ia no longer on this earth, doesn't mean he is no longer a dad. Our son deserves to hear stories of his dad, see pictures of his dad, and know his dad loved him more than anything. Jared will always be part of our family.

And no, I will never be over it. Grief comes in waves. And I try to surf them the best I can. Yes, I have many more good days than bad days now. But I still have bad days or at least bad moments in a good day. And I always will. That is how grief works.  So no, I won't get over it.  And I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.

I would never wish this on anyone. I belong to a club no one wants to join. But, having joined this group taught me that life is short.  Life is precious.  Life is meant to be lived. So even in the height of my grief, I knew I needed to live. Live for me, live for my son, and live for Jared.  Living is the best way I can honor Jared and his life. Living each day is a privilege denied to many. And it is a gift that has been given to me.  A gift I am grateful for and never take for granted.

This is my new life, the life I was handed when Jared died. And I'm doing the best I can.

Third Wheel

My dear friend is turning 40 next year and her husband is planning an adult only getaway for her.  My first thought was yeah, how much fun.  My next thought was crap, I will be the only solo person there.   Everyone else will be part of a couple. And then there is me.  

Usually I am good with being the solo person.  My husband was in the hospital a lot his last year so I got used to spending time with our friends with him away.  But this is different.  It's a 4 night trip. Planned for couples.  And me. The odd woman out.  And it will be so obvious.  I'm not sure I can go alone.  I love my friend and want to celebrate her but I'm not sure I can muster up the courage to face this trip without Jared.  I don't want others to pity me.  I don't want my circumstances to distract from her celebration.  I don't want to face it alone.  I told her I would see if a friend could come with me but if not, I would probably stay home.  I know she was disappointed.   She said she understood but I could see it on her face.   The but I want you to come look. The we won't be coupled up anyway look.  Then the but I understand look.

It's hard to always be the third wheel. To be the one solo person in a sea of couples.  And even if a married friend comes without their spouse, you're still alone.  Others ask about their spouse.  They can talk about their future plans.  No one is uncomfortable with them. The atmosphere is different for them.  And until you are the third wheel on a regular basis you cannot understand  And I hope you never can.

For some reason it is different when a small group of us get together. Then it is usually ok.  But when the group is larger with all couples, it is more difficult. I also find it harder when most of the group never knew Jared.  For some reason, with those who loved Jared I am fine but  with those who never knew him, I struggle. I wish I could have my husband back.  Especially for these events.  But I can't.

Instead, I will be alone at events.  I will often be the third wheel.  I will continue to try and fit in all the while knowing I am different.  And hopefully, one day I will no longer feel like the lone woman out.  

Even though I sometimes feel like the third wheel, I love my friends.  And I want to celebrate with them.  I want to make new memories with them while honoring my past with Jared. I just wish I could figure out a way not to feel like the third wheel.  The elephant in the room.  Maybe time will make it easier.  Maybe other solo people will join our circle of friends.  Maybe the next trip won't be all couples.  Maybe I will discover how to enjoy the moments without caring that I am the only solo person present.

These events were so much easier when I was part of a couple.  When my husband was alive.  When I wasn't the third wheel.

Unsettled

Unsettled

I can't describe.

I can't explain it.

I just feel blah.

In a funk.

Lost.

Unsure of my future.

Unsettled.

My friend told me “All who wander are not lost.”. I hope she is right.  Because right now I really feel lost.  I haven't felt like this for months.  

I feel as if I have turned a corner in my grief.  I now know I WANT to live. I know I need to discover who I am now.  I know I need to find what makes ME happy.  Not my husband. Not my son.  Me. I know I need to find what makes me happy.  I just have no idea what it is.  And that's the hard part.  

That is the part that has me so unsettled.

See, I promised myself I would mourn Jared for 2 years.  No exceptions.  I will grieve his loss forever.  I will miss him for the rest of my life.  I will love him until my last breath. But I told myself that I would mourn him for 2 years.  That I would not be happy.  That I would not move forward with my life.  That I would not begin to live again.  And my 2 years of mourning will not end until 9/16/16.  So the fact that I feel like I want to live again before my self imposed mourning ends has me discombobulated.  Feeling guilty.  Like I am betraying my husband.  Like I am breaking my promise.

The irony of my guilt...my husband made me promise to live.  He would tell me that not living is breaking my promise to him.  And yet I don't feel guilty about that.

Grief makes no sense.  I don't expect anyone to understand my conundrum.  I don't even understand it!  But I'm realizing I have to figure it out, make it make sense to myself so that I can take the next step in my grief work.  In healing.  

I will always love my husband. I will always miss him. And no amount of time will ever change that. But yet here I am, feeling guilty that I want to honor my promise to him but in doing so I feel like I am breaking a promise to myself.  Guilt...every widow's best friend and worse enemy.

Why am I so unsettled? I think it is because my self-imposed time frame is coming to an end in two short months and I have no idea what to do after that. What will I do? Where will I go? Who will I become? These are all unanswered questions. And that scares me. I am one who is used to having a plan. Knowing exactly what I'm going to do from to get from A to Z. But grief has thrown me for a loop. There is no plan. No map to follow. And because of that I just feel lost.  And the person I would talk about all of this with, whose advice I would seek, who would hug me and kiss me and tell me it would be okay is not here. And I worry that I will be disappointing him. Would he approve of my future plans? Would he be happy with the choices I make? Would he be proud? Once again questions that have no answer.  

I have always been a decisive, don't seek approval from any one person. But my grief, losing my love, has changed that. I find myself second-guessing my decisions. I find myself questioning am I doing the right thing. And I am uncomfortable with this. What happened to that confident girl who knew exactly what she wanted and would let nothing stop her from getting it? Where did she go? When Jared died, a part of me died too. And his death has changed me forever. Everything I thought I knew to be true was changed in a blink of an eye. And now I have to find myself again. I have to find that confidence in my own abilities again. I have to learn to trust myself and my decision-making again. And I have to trust, that I am making the best choices, the best decisions possible with the information that I have. And in 6 months I may decide that I need to make another change, that another decision would be best.  But the biggest question is what do I want for myself now. And the answer is, I have no idea.  But I have to figure it out. Find the answers to these questions. Discover the path I want to follow now. And pray that I am making the right choices. And hope that my husband would be proud. But, how do I do that?  Where do I start? And how do I do it without feeling guilty?  I know I will not truly be able to start finding the answers to these questions until after my self-imposed time of mourning has ended. If I try to find the answers or make any big changes before that time, I know in my heart of hearts I will not be happy with myself. I will only feel tremendous guilt. So instead, I will start some self-reflection, start making a list of what I want, and thinking about how to get there so that when my heart is ready, I will be ready.

In a funk.

Lost.

Unsure of my future.

Unsettled.

But hopeful.