Protective Son

My son just told me he's afraid I'm going to get to attached to my new beginning and my heart is going to get broken if it doesn't work out.  And then I'll be sad again.  And grumpy.     I told him my heart has survived worse.  And that love and relationships are always a risk.  Then he said it's just weird for him to see me with someone other than his dad.  I took the advice of a fellow widow and told him it's weird for me too but I really, truly believe his dad sent Jon to me.  I told him I will always miss and love Jared and no one will change that.  And that no one will ever take the place of his dad.

But I probably should have told him that it is OK for both us to live and to be happy.  That  doesn't mean we are forgetting Jared or betraying him. But instead by living and being happy, we are honoring his dad.  That his dad made me promise to live and love again because he wanted us to be happy.  And that liking Jon doesn't mean he loves his dad any less.  Or that I love his dad any less.  I should have explained that love multiplies, it doesn't divide.  That there is room in our hearts and in our lives for his dad and for Jon.

I understand that he is worried about me and wants to protect me.  But a 12 year old shouldn't have to worry about that.  He told me he thinks my relationship is moving too fast.  Words he would never use. He must have overheard others talking about my relationship and is now trying to process it.  Process what it means for him.  For me. For us.  I can't even imagine what this is like for him.  Seeing his mom dating. Happy with someone new.  Concerned about where does our life with his dad fit in with my new beginning.  Or maybe he's worried about getting attached to Jon because in his experience people die.

I pray God gives me the words to make Steven feel comfortable.  To know that he is always my main priority.  To feel safe and loved.  To chart the course of this new journey.   This is new territory for me and I have no clue what I'm doing.  I just hope I don't totally screw it up.

Love Is Crazy

Arranging a weekend get together days after meeting.

Falling in love in just 6 weeks.

Having 2 nights make you feel like forever is a real possibility.

Realizing you miss someone so much your heart physically hurts after spending 5 wonderful days together.

Planning a future after 10 weeks.

Love is crazy.

Sharing parts of your past with someone you just met.

Letting someone into your heart with no care of possible heartbreak.

Allowing someone else to take care of you.

Opening yourself up.

Making yourself vulnerable.

Love is crazy.

Wanting to rearrange your schedule to be together.

Spending hours on the phone each night.

Checking your phone constantly.

Acting like a love sick teenager.

Getting butterflies at the thought of seeing each other.

Love is crazy.

Hoping to be a blended family.

Praying for a plan.

Wanting to be his last.

Longing for the day when a forever commitment is tangible.

Looking forward to a life full of adventures.

Love is crazy.

Finding someone who loves you for you.

Having someone who wants to wipe your tears.

Feeling loved, safe, and cherished in his arms.

Smiling at the mere mention of his name.

Counting your blessings because he was heaven sent.

Love is crazy.

Love is crazy.  But oh so amazing.

Love is crazy.  But oh so wonderful.

Love is crazy.  But oh so spine tingling.

Love is crazy.  But oh so exciting.

Love is crazy.  But oh so worth it.

Long Distance Dating

How is it possible to miss someone so much that you've only known for such a short time? 10 weeks ago I met a wonderful man. My new beginning. We met on a cruise over Thanksgiving and when the cruise ended, we decided to get together in January. Six weeks would pass before we would see each other again. And yes those six weeks were difficult but we managed. And then I flew to Texas to see my new beginning for a weekend.  And saying goodbye to him at the airport on Sunday was much more difficult than I had ever anticipated. I missed him. A lot. Two weeks later, on the spur of the moment, I flew to Texas to see him again. And it was even better than our first weekend. When I flew home on Sunday I was sad but I knew I would see him again on Monday since I was returning to Texas for work. So for the first time since we met, we spent five whole days together. And then I had to return home to Florida.  

And now my heart hurts. My heart aches for him. I miss him in a way I never thought possible. As our love grows and our commitment to one another grows, the time between visits becomes increasingly difficult.  As our relationship becomes deeper and we plan a future, it becomes harder to survive with only monthly weekend visits.  Yes, we already have our next weekend on the calendar. And fortunately it is only three weeks away.  But it is going to be a very long 3 weeks.  He has become such an important part of my world. In such a short time. Just after saying goodbye, I miss him terribly.  My heart does not understand why we have to be separated for weeks at a time.  Why I can't see the love in his eyes everyday.  My body craves his touch. To feel his lips on mine. To feel his hand on the small of my back. To be wrapped in his arms and know I am safe in his love.  I never knew I could need someone as I need him.  I not only want my new beginning, I need him.  I need him in my life. In my heart.  In my future.  But the wait until we can be together is going to be miserable.  Unbearable.  But, hopefully, oh so worth it.  

Long distance dating isn't for the faint of heart.  It's hard work.  But it does allow us to talk about anything.  And everything.  And to become closer in 10 weeks than most couples do in a lifetime.  Yet, I still long for the time when we don't have to constantly saw goodbye.  I long for the day we become a forever family.  When I no longer have to miss him for weeks at a time but instead can kiss him hello every morning.  And goodnight every night.  Until we can begin our future together.

Caught Between Two Worlds

On the spur of the moment, I decided to fly to Texas to spend the weekend with my new beginning.  And it was amazing.  One of the best decisions I have ever made.  We had an unbelievable time.  We spent Saturday walking hand in hand down main street looking in the quaint shops and when the skies opened, we decided to wait out the storm in a wine bar.  Over wine we laughed, shared stories, people watched, and planned our future. It was an amazing day.

And then morning came and I was struggling.  I wanted Jared to be there to see how happy I am with Jon.  So I ended up having a melt down this morning.  I was missing Jared, wanted him to know I was happy and in a good place.  It felt very weird to be stuck between two worlds. Trying to make peace with grief and joy.  Trying to understand how they can coexist.  A new step for me on my widowed journey.  Something those who are not widowed could not possibly understand.  I am happy and enjoying my new beginning but I miss Jared...crazy right?  I know Jared is never coming back but he will always be a part of me, part of my life.  And I truly believe Jon is my future.  And I want to build a future with Jon.  Yet I wish Jared was here to see my life now.  I couldn't find the words to explain my confusing emotions.  So I just told Jon I was struggling.  And he wrapped his arms around me and held me and told me to cry.  He said he knows my heart will always have a hole in it and it's OK for me to miss Jared.  Told me he is certain that Jared knows I'm happy because Jared sent him to me.  Then he said words that melted my heart.  Jon told me not to feel stuck between two worlds that when I need to go back to my world with Jared, to go and visit but to just make sure I come back to him.  

How amazing is that? This man understands that my love with Jared is not baggage.  Is not jealous.  Will hold me as I cry for a love I can never again have.  Wipes my tears.  And asks to walk this journey with me so I don't have to grieve alone.  

Yet my heart still aches.  Aches for the man I belonged to for 16 years.  Aches for the future we will never get to enjoy.  Aches that his life was cut short at 37.  Aches for my boy who will always miss his dad.  My heart aches as it heals and finds new love.  

Conflicting, confusing emotions.  Grief and joy.  Loving what was while at the same time loving what is to come.  Grieving a future that can never be while building a new, different future.  Holding onto a love for someone who is never coming back while giving my heart to someone who is my future.  Realizing my two worlds are not mutually exclusive.  And understanding that sometimes I will struggle to find the balance between the two.  

But fortunately, I have found a man that wants to help me find that balance.  Wants to hold my hand and walk beside me on this grief journey full of twists and turns.  Who loves me for all that I am because of my loss. A man who wants to understand.  A man who knows sometimes I will need to cry as my heart aches and who has proven he will hold me tight and wipe my tears when I'm finished. A man who is amazing.  And I'm certain Jared is happy to know that I have again found love.  That I again have found joy.  And is sitting in heaven smiling, saying “I knew you could do it.”  

Love With No Limits

So today I realized that I love my new beginning differently than I loved Jared. And I felt very guilty. Because I realized that I love my new beginning in a deeper, more profound way than I loved Jared.  I loved Jared with all my heart and all my soul. And there is a part of my heart that will always love him. But I realized something today.  Something that made my heart ache a little. I am in love with someone else beside Jared.  I will always love Jared. I will always miss Jared.  I will always wish he could be here to see Steven grow up.  But, I am no longer only in love with him.  I realized Jared is no longer my future.  

I am also in love with someone else.  Someone who gives me butterflies.  Someone who makes me laugh. Really laugh.  Someone who makes me feel cherished. Someone who makes me feel safe.  Someone who wants to take care of me.  Someone I want to let take care of me.  Someone who loves me for who I am.  Someone I pray will be my last love.

I am completely and hopelessly in love with my new beginning.  He is the man I want in my life.  The man I love.  The man with whom I want to plan a future.  The man who will hopefully be my son’s dad 2.0.  Jon is my future.  

And while Jared will always be a part of our lives and a part of my heart will always be reserved for him, I am in love with someone else.  I want to plan a future with my new beginning.  I love Jon for who he his and how wonderful he makes me feel.  Jon is not Jared.  He is his own man.  And for that I am grateful.   Maybe, because of my grief, I can love Jon harder, deeper, more completely.   All I know is I love him.  In a way I have never loved anyone.  And I'm excited to share my future with him.  I am completely in love with my beginning and it feels so right.

Excitement of New Love

New love is so exciting. It's also scary as hell. Making yourself vulnerable. Sharing parts of yourself that you may not be proud of. Letting someone in. Allowing someone to take care of you. Allowing yourself to need someone else. Butterflies in your stomach. That's what new love is for me.

For me, new love was completely unexpected. But it is oh so wonderful. In only 8 weeks I have given my heart to someone new.  And it feels amazingly wonderful.  I am not used to someone wanting to take care of me.  Jared loved me with his whole heart but since he was sick, I was the caretaker.  Especially the last 5 years he was alive.  So this is new territory for me. Exciting, unexplored, new territory.

I'm also dating with a child in tow. Thus, I must always keep his needs in the forefront of my mind.  And my new beginning also has a child.  We both understand, our children are our top priorities.  Yes, we love being together. Yes, we want to take this relationship as far as it can go.  But we know we must do it while making our children feel loved and safe.  My new beginning's daughter said she is our biggest cheerleader.  And my son wants us to be a happy.  How amazing is that?  We must be doing something right.

New love brings so much excitement.  The thrill of the first kiss.  The simple joy of hand holding.  The security of being wrapped in someone's arms.  The racing of your heart at the the thought of physical intimacy.  The silly smile on your face because someone text you every morning and calls you every night.  The contentment because life is good and you wouldn't change it for anything.  

My friends and family keep saying take it slow.  Don't rush into it.  You don't want to get hurt.  You don't want Steven to get attached in case it doesn't work out.  Sound advice but a little too late.  I'm already all in. I can see a future with my new beginning.  And more importantly, I want a future with him.  Could it all fall apart?  Absolutely!  But new love is risky and I want to take the risk on this relationship.

For the first time since Jared died, I like my life.  I am happy.  I am content.  I am rediscovering that happy go lucky girl who loves to dance. I am in a place where I can open myself up to someone new.  I am trying to follow God's path and put my new relationship in His hands.  I truly believe my new beginning was heaven sent.  And for that I should say thank you God.  And thanks Jared for dropping him in my lap.  

Here's to new love.  And all the excitement it brings!

Dating As A Widowed Mom

So I stepped into the world of dating. And it is scary and exciting all the same time. It's nice again to feel wanted. It's nice to have someone want to take care of me for a change. But it's also scary to make yourself vulnerable.  Open yourself to potential heartbreak.  I have not dated in 18 years.  For 2 years, I was a girlfriend and a fiancé.   For 14 years I was someone's wife.  And for the last two half years, I have been someone's widow. And my widow status will not change.  Even if someday I should become someone else's wife, I will always be Jared’s widow.

In some ways I think dating in your forties is easier than dating in your twenties. I find that I'm much more honest.  More open with my feelings.  Don't want to play games. Take way less bullshit.  But in same ways, I think it's the same.  I also find that I am a little insecure. Stepping into uncharted territory. And unsure what to do next.   There is no road map on how to date as a widow. And for my new beginning there is no rule book on how to date a widow. So we are learning as we go. Taking it day by day. Answering each other's questions the best we can.  Dealing with situations as they arise.  Knowing we are going to make mistakes. Knowing at times we are definitely going to get it wrong. But we are doing our best.  And for some reason, that just feels right.  Knowing life is short and can change on a dime, gives me the courage to jump into this with both feet.

Dating as a widowed parent brings it own issues.  Parenting a grieving child is difficult enough.  But telling your child you are ready to move forward and date...there are no words for the stress that can cause a widowed mom.  Fortunately for me, my son had a positive reaction.  He had heard me talk about my widowed friends who were dating and would say “good for them” or “I'm happy for them.”  When I asked him how he would feel if I wanted to date, he said “I would be ok with it as long as I liked the guy.”   Then I told him I wanted to date Mr. Jon and he gave me a big hug and kiss and said “I’m happy for you mom, good for you.  I like Mr. Jon.”   See, we met Jon and his daughter on a cruise and spent time together.  And everyone got along.  It was fun and easy.  Since he had met Jon, that part was easier.  If this was a “normal” situation, I definitely would not be introducing or talking about dating with my son yet.  That would be a conversation for much later down the road.  But, since Jon and I live in different states and have to travel to see each other, I needed to explain that to my son. And the fact that he was happy for me and essentially gave me his blessing, melted my heart. He just wants his mom to be happy.  I stressed to him that I will always love his dad.  That I will always miss his dad.  And that no one will ever replace his dad.  I made sure my son understood that he is my top priority and I won't make any big decisions or changes without talking to him first.  He said “I know mom.  You love me.  You love my dad.  And you deserve to be happy.”  At school the next day, he asked for prayers for me since I was going on my first date since his dad died.  He was concerned enough and thoughtful enough to ask others to pray for me. What an amazing boy I am blessed to call my son!

Stepping into the dating world has it's challenges but it also has it's rewards.  I have discovered that my friends and family are supportive.  I have learned that my son wants me to be happy.  And I get to experience the excitement of new love again.  The challenges will present themselves and we will deal with them as they come.  But it's the rewards that I'm looking forward too.

New Love

So I was asked that since I'm dating does that mean I am over Jared's death? And I must have looked at this girl like she was stupid. The answer is no. No, I will never be over Jared's death. I will always miss him. I will always love him. I will always wish he was here. I will always regret that our time together was cut short.  But, I made Jared a promise when he was dying. I promised to live. And I promised to love again.  I told him if he wanted me to love again he was going to have to drop someone in my lap so I would know it was meant to be.

And he did just that. He sent me someone wonderful. Someone who loves me for me. Someone who doesn't think my love story with Jared is baggage but instead thinks it's beautiful and is grateful that it shaped me into the person I am today. And understands Jared will always be a part of my future.  Someone who honors my past.  Someone who wants to be an important role model in my son's life but understands that Jared will always be Steven's dad.  Someone who is willing to share his child with me. Someone who makes me feel loved. Who makes me feel beautiful. Someone who makes my eyes smile. Who makes me laugh.  Someone who wants to help heal my heart.   Someone who knows there's room enough in my heart to love two men.  Someone I hope with whom I can build a future.

New beginnings do not erase the past. And just because Jared is dead, doesn't mean our love ends. My love for Jared will be woven into all the volumes of my future. And this new, wonderful man knows that. Accepts that. And isn't jealous of that.  It's difficult to explain but I wish Jon had been able to meet Jared. I think the two of them would have gotten along. I would like to think they may have been friends. I know it's crazy because if Jared were still alive, Jon would not be part of my life now.  My new beginning has said Jared must have been amazing for me to love him so much. I can't describe or put into words how it makes me feel to know this new, wonderful man honors my love story with Jared.

I thought I would feel guilty because I was dating.  But I don't.  I realize that jumping into new adventures doesn't mean that I'm betraying or forgetting Jared.  But instead, I am honoring him.  Living my life to the fullest, finding joy, making myself happy is exactly what Jared would want for me.  I'm certain he is proud of me.  And because of that, I don't have guilt.  Instead, I am looking forward to my future.  A future that has no boundaries.  A future full of adventures.  Full of happiness.  And full of love.