On the spur of the moment, I decided to fly to Texas to spend the weekend with my new beginning. And it was amazing. One of the best decisions I have ever made. We had an unbelievable time. We spent Saturday walking hand in hand down main street looking in the quaint shops and when the skies opened, we decided to wait out the storm in a wine bar. Over wine we laughed, shared stories, people watched, and planned our future. It was an amazing day.
And then morning came and I was struggling. I wanted Jared to be there to see how happy I am with Jon. So I ended up having a melt down this morning. I was missing Jared, wanted him to know I was happy and in a good place. It felt very weird to be stuck between two worlds. Trying to make peace with grief and joy. Trying to understand how they can coexist. A new step for me on my widowed journey. Something those who are not widowed could not possibly understand. I am happy and enjoying my new beginning but I miss Jared...crazy right? I know Jared is never coming back but he will always be a part of me, part of my life. And I truly believe Jon is my future. And I want to build a future with Jon. Yet I wish Jared was here to see my life now. I couldn't find the words to explain my confusing emotions. So I just told Jon I was struggling. And he wrapped his arms around me and held me and told me to cry. He said he knows my heart will always have a hole in it and it's OK for me to miss Jared. Told me he is certain that Jared knows I'm happy because Jared sent him to me. Then he said words that melted my heart. Jon told me not to feel stuck between two worlds that when I need to go back to my world with Jared, to go and visit but to just make sure I come back to him.
How amazing is that? This man understands that my love with Jared is not baggage. Is not jealous. Will hold me as I cry for a love I can never again have. Wipes my tears. And asks to walk this journey with me so I don't have to grieve alone.
Yet my heart still aches. Aches for the man I belonged to for 16 years. Aches for the future we will never get to enjoy. Aches that his life was cut short at 37. Aches for my boy who will always miss his dad. My heart aches as it heals and finds new love.
Conflicting, confusing emotions. Grief and joy. Loving what was while at the same time loving what is to come. Grieving a future that can never be while building a new, different future. Holding onto a love for someone who is never coming back while giving my heart to someone who is my future. Realizing my two worlds are not mutually exclusive. And understanding that sometimes I will struggle to find the balance between the two.
But fortunately, I have found a man that wants to help me find that balance. Wants to hold my hand and walk beside me on this grief journey full of twists and turns. Who loves me for all that I am because of my loss. A man who wants to understand. A man who knows sometimes I will need to cry as my heart aches and who has proven he will hold me tight and wipe my tears when I'm finished. A man who is amazing. And I'm certain Jared is happy to know that I have again found love. That I again have found joy. And is sitting in heaven smiling, saying “I knew you could do it.”
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