Goodbye to the walls

At 10:00 am tomorrow, our Gainesville house will officially belong to someone else. While I am relieved to be free of the payments, I am sad to say goodbye.

Goodbye to the first home Jared and I owned together.
Goodbye to the home where we began our family of 3.
Goodbye to the home where Steven took his first steps, said his first words.
Goodbye to the hand painted mural in Steven's bedroom.
Goodbye to Jared's man cave in the garage.
Goodbye to the dream that one day we would all move back to Gainesville.
Goodbye to the back lanai that was the location of many a fire pit party.
Goodbye.

But I will not say goodbye to the memories.  Because as a wise 11 year old told me "a house is just walls, your memories are forever.  No one can take your memories from you."

I will always treasure the memories in the blue house but our home is no longer in Gainesville.  And because of that , I can say goodbye to the house.  Because I will keep the memories in my heart forever.

Anniversary - celebrating alone

15 years ago we said I do.

I do to in sickness and in health.
I do for richer for poorer.
I do to in good times and in bad.
I do for better or worse.

We knew on that day, there were going to be times of sickness just like there would be healthy times. We prayed our way through the sick times and we lived our way through the healthy times. We knew there would be days when we would have excess cash to spend to travel the world and we would knew there would be days when we would have to live on a budget. We knew we would always have good days and unfortunately we would also have bad days.  But we were blessed that our good days out numbered the bad.  We knew sometimes it would be better and sometimes it would be worse but we made through all of it together.

Together.  The two of us loving each other through everything.  The two of us making our marriage a priority. Never leaving without saying "I love you."  Never going to sleep at night without a good night kiss.  Even when were separated due to work or hospital stays, there wasn't a night that we didnt speak or send a good night text. We agreed early on that we would never go to bed angry and we didn't. There were some nights we sat up talking for hours to work it out and work it out we did.  I am so proud of our marriage.  I can honestly say I was loved everyday, how wonderful is that?

I wish you were here to celebrate this anniversary with me. For 14 wonderful years we celebrated this special day, our day of love. Unfortunately this year, I will celebrate it alone. Last year was technically my first anniversary without you but you planned ahead and left me a wonderful gift. This year unfortunately there will be no surprise, no little reminder.  This year will truly be the first year I celebrate alone. Celebrating without you.  I'm not quite sure how to celebrate alone but I do know I will honor our love, our marriage, our vows.

15 years ago we exchanged our vows.

We vowed to love one another till death do us part.

Unfortunately, I know the pain of the grief that comes when those vows become a reality.  I know the emptiness and loneliness of outliving my spouse.  But I am honored that you loved me till forever. Death cannot end our love.  Today, I will celebrate our love.  Today I will celebrate us, I will celebrate our marriage.

Happy Anniversary my love!

Final Goodbye

A year ago today, we said goodbye to Jared.  I have never cried so many tears or felt so broken.  Seeing the church full of people who were touched by Jared, special friends who flew in just for the service, and Monsignor's homily were especially touching.  But seeing that casket in the church and knowing my husband's body was in it...there are no words to describe those emotions.  None.  A year later, I still cry if one of the songs played at his funeral mass are played at church.  Hearing the song brings all those emotions right back.

Jared's graveside service was heart wrenching.  All of our family and friends laid flowers on his casket and Steven gave Jared a Gator balloon.  When the service was over, Steven was devastated and just laid himself over the casket.  And there was nothing I could do for him.  Nothing.  Fr Jeff walked over and knelt beside Steven and started talking to Steven about Jared.  He told Steven how proud and excited Jared was when Steven was born.  He told Steven about his baptism and how Jared was so pleased to share Steven with God.  He told Steven how much Jared loved him and would continue to love him and watch over him from heaven.  It was one of the most beautiful moments to witness and Fr Jeff will always hold a special place in my heart for that.  For taking the time to kneel and comfort a 10 year boy whose heart was shattered and whose whole world had changed.

But the parts where I knew Jared was there watching over us were also at the cemetery.  First, Fr Jeff was stuck in traffic so I played Freebird (the one song Jared requested I play at his graveside) over and over again.  Then as Fr Jeff began the graveside service the heavens opened up and everyone was soaked.  So much so that Fr Jeff said "if you didn't think Jared had a sense of humor now you know better.".  And as soon as the service ended, the skies cleared up. Total Jared humor.  I remember my Goddaughter, Hailey had a share a coke with Jared bottle.  None of us have found one with his name on it since.  Just like him to try and comfort me on one of the worst days of my life.

One year ago today I said my final goodbye to Jared. But while his body may be buried, his spirit is watching over us. I know without a doubt, he is waiting for me, holding my spot in heaven.

Day 1 of Year 2

Today is the first day of year two. And you know what? Nothing is different. I do feel a little relieved that I survived the first year. But I'm still not sure who I am now. I'm not sure what I want to do now. I'm not sure how I want to be next year, next month, or in the next five years. I do know I have to live for me and at the same time keep my husband's memory alive. I do know I will go on. I do know I will live.  I know this because I have survived the first year. I have survived the unimaginable.

There are always those who judg.  Those who say you're grieving too long. Those who say you're not grieving enough. Those who say you're stuck in a rut. Those who say you're not living, you're not moving forward. Those who say you're not letting your children move forward. But you know what? Those people those "judgers" have never walked a mile in my shoes. They've never suffered my loss. They've never been on my grief journey.

So for all those that have supported me and said you're doing great, you're so strong, or I am so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you for realizing this is a very difficult journey. Thank you for realizing that when the rug is pulled out from under you and you have to start over you don't finish the journey in a year.

And for all those who judge I say go ahead and judge. You're going to judge me for something so go ahead and judge and I pray that you never have to walk in my shoes.

One year

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

Today you have been gone for 1 year.
365 days.
8,760 hours.
525,600 minutes.
3,1536,000 seconds.
A lifetime.

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

How is it even possible that I survived this year without you? If someone had told me that I could this, I would do this, that I would survive, I would have laughed. Living without you is the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a solo parent to a little boy who misses his dad is some times to much to bear. Going to work when all I want to do is cry takes a lot of determination.

You were always my strength. Watching you fight for your life and never giving up, gave me strength. And now you're not here. I feel as if sometimes you took all my strength with you.

I know I promised you I would live and I will but right now I'm not sure how.  I made it through the first year just trying to survive Jared.  I survived something I never thought I could. I did it without my love, without my best friend, without my partner. I get up every day and take care of myself, of Steven, of our house.  I did what I had to do everyday so that every night I could come home to an empty house and miss you. Not a night goes by that I don't tell you goodnight.  Not a day goes by that I don't say good morning to you when I first wake up.

Even though you are no longer here, you are still an integral part of my life. Our hearts are still in love.  Our lives are still intertwined. Happy times I still want to share with you. Sad times I still want you to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I still think of you first when there is news to share.

A year ago at this time, my whole world changed. Life as I know it ended. It's as if God reach down and closed the book and said Carla this one is finished, you have to find a new one to write. I'm not ready to write a new book yet. I still want to write our story. But what I have learned is that you will always be a part of my story.  As long as I'm breathing your memory will stay alive, your name will be spoken, you will not be forgotten.  I will love you till my dying breath. Just as  you loved me till yours.

Knowing you are in heaven,  breathing easy with the angel gives me some comfort. As much as I rejoice in the knowledge that you are home with God,  I still wish you were here with me. And that may be selfish but it's true. I would give anything anything in this world to have you back. But I know that's not possible. That realization slapped me in the face a year ago today. But since you can't come back, I hope you're proud of me. I hope you're proud of how I have survived. I know you're watching over me and the little boy. I feel you around us all the time. And I hope, hope that you will be proud of me as I begin my journey to live whatever that may be.

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

Today you have been gone for 1 year.
365 days.
8,760 hours.
525,600 minutes.
3,1536,000 seconds.
A lifetime.

But thankfully you left me with a lifetime of memories.  

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

Day 10 of 10

My love story

As I'm about to leave to go to church to honor my husband on the first anniversary of the worst day of my life, I am going to remember the happy times. I'm going to remember our amazing love story.

Today I am thankful for my love story. In 1998 I met Jared while working in the hospital. We made a bet and the looser had to take the winter out for margaritas. Needless to say I won the bet. We were enjoying  our margaritas when Jared said we should go out on a real date sometime. So the next Saturday we went on our first official date to the Kentucky vs Gator game. When Jared and I began to get serious I had many reservations because I knew he had CF and I knew what that meant for my future. I actually prayed him away, I would pray Lord if this is not the man you mean for me to have, please remove him from my life. But you know what he was still there so I took the hint and trusted God.

In September of 2000 Jared and I were married. We used to joke that we got married in 2000 on purpose so it would be easy math for us to know exactly how many years we had been married. December of the next year he received his lung transplant in August of 2002 we took our first international trip to Italy. Before we got married Jared had never really traveled out of the country. But now we travel all the time. We went on cruises to the Caribbean, we went to Europe, we went to Central America, and we traveled all over the US.

In May 2004 God blessed us with our beautiful baby boy and we went from our family of two to a complete family of three. Our life became so intertwined with each other. We truly enjoyed spending time with you each other, spending time as a family. When we would go on vacations we would all go. It never even occurred to Jared and I to leave Steven home with relatives,  a family vacation was just that... all three of us.

In July 2010 Jared received his second lung transplant. In the October he became very septic and almost did not survive. But the Lord gave us a miracle and he did survive. One of the big dreams Jared always had was to visit Scotland.  I promised myself that if he survived the septic episode that we would take that trip. So in the spring of 2011 we all traveled to Europe. We spent a week in Spain and then spent two weeks on a tour traveling all through the UK. We made some amazing memories on that trip and met some wonderful people. One of my favorite memories from that trip was when we were at a sheep farm in Ireland and we saw the lambs be born. Steven came running over and said "mommy mommy I thought it was their penis but it was just their umbilical cords." Everyone cracked up because there was a six year old little boy using correct terminology.

We took many trips together.  We traveled out west to go skiing every year, we would go to the beach every summer, every spring break we would take a vacation, everything Thanksgiving we were on vacation, if there was a school holiday we would use that time to travel and make family memories.  We zip lined in multiple countries, snow skied and snow boarded in more than one country, and played in the ocean on 3 continents. People would say you are the most traveling family I have ever seen.

In spring of 2014 Jared was diagnosed with chronic rejection. We knew what that meant but we were still very hopeful that we could find a center that would give him a third lung transplant. For spring break, we spent 2 weeks in Hawaii.  We surfed, zip lined, attended a luau, and took our first family helicopter ride.  Then we decided to take the summer and make lasting family memories. We went on a Caribbean cruise and then we cruised around the Greek islands which allowed Jared to fulfill his wish of seeing the Parthenon. We then traveled to France where we climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower, took a river cruise, and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with each other. One of my best memories of that trip was the night that Steven went to a pizza making party and Jared and I went to a wine tasting. Jared and I were the only two people who showed up for the wine tasting and we spent our whole evening tasting wine and just laughing. He tasted so much wine, Jared couldnt drive us home and I didn't know how to drive a stick shift so our resort took us home.  The next day Jared decided I needed to learn how to drive a stick shift and off we went in the streets of Paris and he taught me to drive a stick shift.  Loved that day.

When we got married Jared and I made a list of all the places we wanted to see. We made it our mission to travel enough and frequently enough that we could scratch all the items off of our list. We wanted to make sure the list was completed.   And after 14 years of married life, we completed the list except for three things. So Steven and I have decided to finish the list.

Our memories together are what I treasure. This amazing story.
My amazing love story.

Eve of the worst day

Tomorrow will mark the one year  anniversary of the worst day of my life life. The day I held my husband in my arms on our bathroom floor and watched him take his last breath.  The day I kissed him on his head and said it was okay to go home with the angels. The day I knew my world will never be the same. The day my world shattered. The day my heart truly broke and may never heal. The day I learned that emotional pain could physically hurt so much. Tomorrow will mark the day that I said goodbye to the life I knew and hello to the widow I never wanted to be. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of the start of a new life a life I didn't want. The life I would trade in a split second to have my husband back. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of a worst year of my life.
Just as tomorrow will mark the anniversary of the worst day of my life,  today marks the anniversary of a really good day. Last year on this day we had a wonderful day with the child life specialist from hospice who came and took family photos. Even though Jared hated having his picture taken he posed for those photos.  I think he knew this would be the last time he had his picture taken. He made a video for Steven and Steven will always be able to have a video of his dad telling him his hopes and dreams, a video that we have not been able to watch yet. One year ago today we sat in the living room and watched reruns of the Big Bang Theory for hours. Oh how we loved that show and would just laugh and laugh at Sheldon. It is one of the few shows I can still watch and smile.  When I warch it, I think of Jared. My mom and Jared's mom both came for dinner that night .  And then I was coloring my hair and  Jared stood up and said "is that my shirt you're wearing?"  When I said yes he said "ruin your own damn shirt.". That night we went to bed and I remember snuggling in the bed.  Jared said to me "I think I can beat this Carla, I want to fight, I want to fight and can get better.". I told him "as long as you want to fight I will fight with you." And then the dreaded day happened the next day. Who knew we would go from having a great day to the most dreaded day of our lives in just a short 24 hours.
Sometimes I think that's why the next day was even harder. It was a complete surprise. Jared had such a good day the day before that no one.. not me, not the hospice nurse, no one thought it he was going to be his last day.

Day 9 of 10

Waiting for me

In spring of 2000 Jared and I went on a Caribbean cruise with my family. It was prior to his transplant so he would get short of breath very easily. One day we took the catamaran ride to Dunns River Falls in Jamaica and the plan was for everyone to climb to the top of the falls. When we got to the falls and felt how cold the water was, Jared said " Carla, I can't do this it will take my breath away." Of course I was disappointed.  I wanted to climb the falls and make it to the top with Jared but I knew that if he could, he would and since he said he couldn't then he really couldn't. But I told him not to worry and it was okay and that I would see him back down at the bottom after I climbed the Falls with my family. So I climbed the Falls with my brother, sisters, nieces, and nephews.   But the best part was when I reached the top of the falls.  My eyes teared up and my heart just burst with with love...there was Jared sitting on the rocks at the top of the Falls waiting for me. He told me that he figured the water would  take his breath away but he could climb up the outside of rocks and surprise me at the top. That is exactly what he did!   He told me he started climbing the rocks as soon as I started climbing the Falls so he could sit there and catch his breath before I reached the top.  Seems like such a little thing but for me it was such a declaration of love.  Jared thought of way that we could share the view at the top of the Falls.  Such a thoughtful gesture, one full of love.

Day 8 of 10

Life is Good at the Beach

We have always been a beach family. Since Jared and I first started dating we would often go to the beach for a long weekend. His grandmother used to rent a condo at Crescent Beach every summer and we would go and spend both weekends. Our tradition continued after Steven was born and he made his first trip to the beach when he was just a couple of months old.
From the time he could walk Jared started teaching Steven how to boogie board and surf. Sometimes I think Steven is more comfortable in the ocean than anywhere else. He and his daddy would get up early carry  their boogie boards down to the beach and play in the water for hours.
We love the beach so much that we bought our first time share simply to have a place to go to the beach every year. It became part of are annual summer vacation to spend a week in West Palm Beach. We would go parasailing, banana boat riding, boogie board, and just relax and enjoy each other. One year in West Palm the turtles were hatching and there has been a horrible rain storm and they were all trapped under the sand. The turtle rescue  people on the beach asked Steven if he would help them carry the turtles to the ocean. He was so proud that day to be a turtle rescuer. He held those turtles with such care in his little hands and walked out to the ocean and let them go.
Whenever I hear the ocean or see the beach, I immediately think of Jared and all the wonderful times we had at the beach. Many moonlit strolls walking hand in hand talking about our future. The many times we held Steven's hands beacause he wasn't tall enough and hearing his laughter as the wave crashed into him. The joy of watching father and son share their love of the ocean. The pride on Jared's face when Steven first learned to ride a wave. The three of us snorkeling and all excitedly pointing at beautiful fish.  For us the ocean has always been a calming place and Jared could always breathe at the beach. For us the beach was an escape,  a time for just the three of us to be together, recharge our batteries, and focus on what was important. There is nothing quite as relaxing as the sound of the waves hitting the sand.
And for me now I swear I can hear the words I love you in the sound of the surf.

Day 7 of 10

Italy - Blessed by the Pope

In August of 2002, Jared and I flew to Italy for our official honeymoon. The plan was to land in Italy on Tuesday, have a marital blessing by Pope John Paul II on Wednesday, tour Rome on. Thursday and Friday and then join a tour group for 10 days.
On our flight to Italy the pilot came on and asked there was a doctor on board. He asked three times and no one ever answered so I went back to the flight attendants and said I was a nurse and could I help.  It turned out there was a flight attendant having a heart attack. So I had to treat her on the plane while in contact with the Mayo Clinic. The decision was made to divert our plane and have the flight attendant taken to the hospital.  When are plane was diverted in  Detroit, the pilot came out to personally thank me for my help,  gavee Jared and I a copy of the flight plan, a free bottle of wine, and moved us up to first class.
We landed in Rome on Tuesday and Wednesday morning  was one of the best days of my life. We went we went by tour bus to Castle Gondolfo, the Pope's summer home. We witnessed the Pope's blessing and then we had our opportunity to kneel in front of Pope John Paul II and we were each asked for one thing for the Pope to  pray. I asked for one healthy child and Jared prayed for good health. We are very fortunate that both of our prayers were answered. Two years later Steven joined our family and Jared had 14 years of good health. When I knelt in front of Pope John Pail II, I kissed his ringd and he kissed my cheek. When Pope John Paul II kissed my cheek I began to weep.   As he prayed for us and blessed us I honestly have no idea what he said. I was just so overcome with emotion. Later that night I said to Jared what did the Pope say and he said "I have no idea I couldn't hear because someone was crying so much."  We went back the next day and bought the video of our audience with Pope John Paul II.  It is one of my most treasured videos.
For the next few days we toured Rome and the Vatican City and had a wonderful time. And then we joined a tour group to see Florence  Lake Majourie, and Venice. In Florence, we climbed to the top of The Duomo. I'm completely claustrophobic and hate tight spaces but I climbed all those steps to the top of the Duomo in Florence and it was a breathtaking view.  Lake Maggiore was beautiful it reminded me of Switzerland.  We spent tge day touring tge beautiful city. We absolutely loved  Venice. We went on the gondola ride and the gondoliers sang to us and kept calling us honeymooners. When we returned to Rome, we stopped at Tivoli fountain and threw coins in the fountain in hopes we would return.  In Vatican City we climbed to the top of the Vatican to see the Pope's Gardens. Wow, what a view.  Our last night in Rome we went to a little restaurant in Tivoli that was part of the cave.  We made our own pasta and danced while our was being cooked. That night we went with some others in the tour group to a  nightclub. It was very interesting because there  clubs are all outside. We had a wonderful night of laughing and dancing. And yes,  Jared even danced.
This vacation was one of our most special times and special gifts to each other. Not only did we have our marriage blessed by the Pope, we had a once in a lifetime vacation.

Day 6 of 10

Gator Football

Since it is a Saturday during football season, and only makes sense that my happy memories today be about Gator football. Jared and I were both huge Gator fans. His papa played for the Gators and then later came back to coach there, so it was truly in his blood. After having gone to college there, football became a way of life. Jared and I had our first date to the Kentucky vs Gator game and then two years later we are married on the Kentucky vs Gator game weekend. I even made sure my garter was blue. And we have a picture of all of our friends who went to us doing the Gator Chomp at our wedding. We loved our Gator football.
Saturdays are always made up of watching the Gators either in the swamp or on TV. Except there for a while I have as not allowed to watch the Gators on TV. It seemed like everytime I would watch them on TV and they would lose so Jared decided that I could not watch them on TV. One day he was watching them in the living room and I was doing something in the kitchen and he told me to get out of the house that I was bad luck  in football. So I went out into the garage and the next thing I know I hear him yell "get out of the house, Carla.   You can be nowhere near the TV.". It was so funny. And he was absolutely serious. He wanted me out of the house so I would not be bad luck for our beloved Florida Gators.  We used to meet our friends every Saturday home game for tailgating. If it was a late game we would start around noon and bring the grill, the TV, and the tent. If it was an early game we would start about 8 and have kegs and eggs. Saturday Gator football was an all day event.  Our Saturdays from September to November were always up about Gator football.
Our tradition continued when Steven was born. Steven was born in May and in September he attended his first Gator game. And it became a way of life for us.  We sat in the same seat for years and we knew everyone around us and they would all talk about Steven, bring him treats, sneak him in snacks. When he was two and we were having a really bad season, Steven had a shirt that said put me in coach. The people that sat around us used to joke that when Steven played football for the Gators, on senior day our whole section was going to come down because they felt like they had raced him too. We have many wonderful memories of that swamp. We sat there in the cold, in the rain, and through some horrible losses, but more importantly through some awesome amazing wins.
In 2006 we were given the opportunity to go to Phoenix Arizona to watch the Gators play for the national championship. Of course we went, I took vacation from work we loaded up the boy, and off we went to Phoenix. What an unbelievable experience e had there. When we walked into the stadium there were alot of Ohio State fans sitting in our Gator section. And Steven, who wasn't quite 2 yet, said "mommy don't they know orange and blue, go Gators?".  I said "no honey they don't know orange and blue go Gators." And then of course, the game turned out just the way we wanted it and the Gators were kicking Ohio State ass. So some of the Ohio State fans begin to leave in the third quarter and one fan stopped and looked at Steven and said I should have known orange and blue go Gators. We turned that trip to see the Gators play into a family vacation including the Grand Canyon and Sedona. It was a wonderful time. And as I look back I feel very blessed that we got to experience it as a family.
For me Gator football will always include Jared.  I know he is cheering from heaven.

Day 5 of 10

My first mother's day

My first mother's day, I was pregnant.  Steven was born 4 days later. His delivery was not an easy one.  We went from a normal delivery to an emergency c-section in the blink of an eye.  The OR was full of doctors, nurses, and neonatalogists.   When Steven arrived he was grey and grunting. Two things that are awful in a newborn baby. I was so scared and so worried that something was going to happen to my son. I remember Jared and I just sitting there praying that Steven would be okay.  After he examined the baby, the neonatalogist asked Jared if he wanted to come over and hold the baby.  Jared who had never held a baby went right over and picked that monkey up and just loved him. He then walked over to me,  put Steven by me and said "talk to him Carla he knows your voice." That was one of the sweetest things my love ever did for me.
After five days in the hospital we came home. We quickly settled into our new normal and within days I could not remember what it was like without Steven.  For my birthday a few weeks later,  Jared surprised me with a gift certificate to the spa. But the best gift was not the gift certificate, it was how he had packaged it. He took the spa gift bag  and wrote on it happy Mother's Day and happy birthday and then he put the baby's hand print on it.  I still have that gift bag to this day. It was just such a thoughtful and sweet gesture for him to do to make my first Mother's Day and my first birthday as a mom just a little extra special.

Day 4 of 10 - Our Honeymoon

Our honeymoon.

When Jared and I were planning our wedding, Dr Baz asked where we planned to honeymoon. I told him we were going to Italy to see the Pope and have our marriage blessed and he said "no you're are not". He then went on to explain that because Jared was waiting for a lung transplant we could not travel out of the country. But he did compromise and allowed us to go on a mini honeymoon as long as we didn't go too far. So Jared and I decided to go to a little town just outside of Blowing Rock, North Carolina. We rented a sweetheart cottage, heart-shaped bathtub and all. We  drove to North Carolina and when we arrived, it was dark.  We drove up  this big sweeping mountain road and I was terrified we were going over the side of the mountain.  I was never so glad to get out of the car as I was when we finally reached that cabin.
The next morning we woke up and the temperature had dropped by 30 degrees. We hadnt packed for those temperatures.  The little town we were staying in didn't have many options for clothes shopping,  so there we were on the first day of our honeymoon in Walmart shopping for warmer clothes. Despite the temperatures, we had such a wonderful time...we hiked Grandfather Mountain, hiked to see waterfalls, and spent time at Blowing Rock.

One of the funniest memories stemmed from an event that happened at our wedding reception.   At our wedding reception I had Shania Twain's song Any Man of Mine played for Jared.  I had intended for everyone to be on the dance floor but when the DJ announced the song was dedicated to the groom, Jared and I found ourselves alone on the dance floor. He was totally embarrassed but he was a really good sport.  Ok, now the funny part.  One morning on our honeymoon I decided to make him cinnamon rolls. Well of course  I burnt the bottom of the cinnamon rolls. No surprise there since cooking is not my forte. But when I walked into the living room of our cottage and handed him his cinnamon rolls,  he looked at them and said "mmm I like them like that." And we just laughed and laughed.  True to form, Jared responded in total smart ass.   I couldn't believe he remembered that part of that song... if I cook him dinner and I burn it black, he better say mmm mmm I like it like that.    I even took a picture of him eating his burned cinnamon rolls (he did cut the burned bottoms off) to capture the moment.  Needless to say from that moment on we decided Jared would be our cook.

Day 3 of 10 - Happy Memories

Stowe, Vermont

In July 2003, Jared and I decided to take a trip to Vermont. We knew when we returned, we would be starting in vitro and once we had a baby our trips would forever be changed. I'm not sure how we planned on Stowe except neither one of us have ever been to the northeast. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Our resort had a little creek that ran behind it that was perfect for skipping stones, hammocks that were perfect for snuggling, and bikes that we used to get around town. There were so many mountain ranges that we could of hiked for weeks. Instead we hiked for 2 days on 2 different mountain ranges. At the top of one of the mountain ranges we could see four different states. It was absolutely amazing.  I remember both of us sitting at the top of the mountain and admiring our spectacular view.
One day we rented a kayak and decided to give it a shot. We laughed so hard because we were terrible. We decided we would have been better off in a double canoe then in a kayak. But at one point in the middle of  this reserve we just stopped I leaned back into him and we just started talking and we stayed there like that and talked for so long that another group stopped to ask if we were okay. So we figured we better kayak back in so we didn't cause concern for others.
On fourth of July we rented bikes and rode into the center of town to watch the the fourth of July celebration. They had a fabulous parade, a circus, and then when it was dark, in the middle of this huge field was an amazing fireworks display.
We traveled into  Montreal and it just happened to be jazz best. We enjoyed our time in Canada, no matter how brief and when we came back, the customs officer stopped us and wanted to know what were our plans that we were there less than 24 hours. They even searched our car!
Jared and I always have loved waterfalls.  In Vermont, we hiked to a few different waterfalls.  I still have a photo of the 2 of us in the pool of the waterfall by my bed.
One of the highlights of our trip was going to the Ben and Jerry factory.  We took a tour and then we were allowed to sample some of the new flavors and give our opinion. One of the flavors was chocolate fudge brownie which we both loved. Jared said that flavor is going to be a hit. And sure enough a few months later it was available in stores. And from that time on, anytime Jared bought ice cream that was the flavor he bought.
While in Stowe, we would go for breakfast to this little mom and pop place and they had the best homemade maple syrup.   We even bought some to bring home, unfortunately it is long gone now.
Vermont was where we decided to start our tradition of collecting Christmas ornaments. We decided it would be nice for one day for our tree to be a reflection of all the travels we had taken. So our first Christmas ornament came from Stowe.
It was a wonderful vacation and we enjoyed our time just the two of us. With no schedule, no concrete plans, just do what ever we felt like. It is a vacation I will always treasure. It was one full of laughter and smiles.

Day 2 of Happy Memories

Day 2 of Happy Memories
Today I remember the night we got the call the Jared that they had a lung for Jared. We had had a dry run in July so we were well prepared for this actual transplant to happen. On December 22nd in the evening we got the phone call.  The caller ID said unknown number and Jared said "don't answer it." But I answered it anyway and the caller  said "we have a lung for Jared."  I handed the phone to Jared and said "it's for you." Our family and friends joined us at the hospital and we waited. The priest came to pray for Jared, we laughed, and told stories, anything to relieve the anxiety of waiting. Finally about 2 in the morning on December 23rd the nurse came in  while Jared was doing a breathing treatment and said "Jared we're ready for you." Jared threw the mouthpiece down and we were on our way.  I walked with Jared to the OR, told him I would see him in the recovery room, and that I loved him. We said a prayer and he went in and the doors closed. Leaving him in the OR was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember on the elevator ride up to the waiting room I was just sobbing and finally my mom looked at me and said "ok, this is a happy occasion we are going to celebrate Jared's second chance at life". The 12 hours of waiting were excruciating. Luckily my 4 peds nursing friends had supplied us with a cart full of blankets, juices, cereal, and toothbrushes. So we were able to lay on the floor that night and for me the most important thing brush my teeth. After 12 hours I got to go into the ICU room and see Jared. The first thing I noticed was that his toes were pink. In all the time we had been together I had never seen his toes be pink. I was so excited that I snapped a picture of his toes. I remember the next morning when they extubated Jared and the first thing he asked was did he beat the record for the being the fastest patient to come off the ventilator.  Dr Baz told him that  missed it by about an hour but that's only because it was a holiday. He was so upset. He wanted to beat that record. That day when Fr Jeff came into bless and pray for Jared the first thing Jared asked was for Fr Jeff to pray for the donor's family. He said "We are celebrating a special gift and they are planning a funeral at Christmas". Just shows you what kind of man my husband was that his first thought was to pray for others. But oh what a glorious glorious Christmas that was. He then sent his mother to the mall with a shopping list to buy me my Christmas present and I remember telling him that he couldn't give me me any better present than we just received.  Jared came home 5 days after his transplant. Shocking I know but that year we celebrated New Years Eve in our condo just the two of us. We had sparkling cider and we danced around our living room.  We watched the ball drop and shared a magical kiss at midnight.  Jared's second chance, his gift of life, what a wonderful Christmas gift.

Jared's pink toes

Our Christmas photo

Given a miracle

One year ago today, I was told Jared "was going to pass and pass quickly". I remember being shocked and devastated. I couldn't believe God was going to take my husband so soon. I will never forget having to tell Steven that his daddy was going to go to heaven and then listen to him cry and sob for over an hour and being completely helpless to fix it. That night I laid in the bed with Jared  singing to him, talking to him, praying for him, and just hoping he would wake up and tell me to shush.  And then a miracle happened. The next morning he did wake up.  After Jared woke up, Steven told me that the night before he had prayed for God to add a little more time to his daddy's plan so his daddy could come home if just for a couple of days.  That night Steven, Jared, and I spent the night alone in Jared's room, just the three of us, our little family of three together. I slept in the bed with Jared and Steven slept in the sleep chair beside us.  The next morning, Jared state up and said I want Cheerios. It was the first time he had asked for food in three days. So I said. Cheerios you shall have. When I came back into his room after getting the Cheerios, Steven was laying in my spot in the bed. The two of them just laughed and laughed. They thought it was so funny that Steven had stolen my spot.  And the next day we did get to come home. Even if just for a few more days.  God gave us the miracle of a little more time.

Day 1 of 10

Yesterday after my tsunami of grief, my friend Patty advised me to take 10 minutes everyday during the next 10 days to remember a happy moment with Jared. So I decided to take her advise.

Day 1:
Today I am remembering the day Jared and I found out we were going to be parents. On Labor Day in September 2003, we underwent in vitro and I remember the day we went to have the blood test to see if it worked.   It felt like forever as we waited for the phone to ring.  I couldn't take it anymore and decided to take a shower.  I took one of our house phones into the bathroom so I would hear the phone.  As soon as I got into the shower, the phone rang.  Jared came running into the bathroom and said "Answer it, it Shands."  That call changed our lives!  Ginny, the nurse, told us I was definitely pregnant.  I remember crying tears of joy and Jared climbing into the shower to embrace me.  We were overjoyed!  Against all odds, we were pregnant.  God had answered our prayers.

Jared spoiled me like crazy after that.  I wasn't allowed to lift anything heavy, he wouldn't let me climb up a ladder, wouldn't let me be around paint fumes, and made sure I got plenty of rest.  He was so excited to be a dad.  Those months, waiting to meet our beautiful boy were wonderful.  We talked about our hopes and dreams for him, our fears of not being "good enough" parents, our excitement at being a family of 3.

I remember thinking that my heart was going to burst with love.  Here was my wonderful, loving husband giving me the best gift.  We were going to share our love with our beautiful child.


8 months later, the picture below was taken.  This photo says it all.

Tidal Wave of Grief

Today my grief hot me like tsunami.   I was at a friend's house for a braai (South African for BBQ, my friend is South African so we braai) and I realized I could not pretend to be happy today. Today I just needed to grieve. I've had a few good weeks and this rush of grief today really took me by surprise. In 10 days it will be one year that my husband has lived in heaven. One year since I saw him. One year since I felt his kiss. One year since he hugged me. One year since I saw his smile. One year since I heard his laugh. And I really thought I was doing okay.  And then BAM!  My grief was so fast and so strong, that I had to leave my friend's house and come home just so I could ride the wave and cry to my heart's content.
So I turned on music I know reminds me of my husband and I sat in his favorite recliner and just sobbed. I truly cried myself dry. There are no more tears in me right now. My nose is stuffy, my head hurts, but I needed it. I needed to release the grief. Some days I can hold it in and I can function but today was not one of those days. Today was one of those days where I just couldn't pretend. I just had to cry. I feel bad that I left my friends house and that they were all worried about me but today I had to take care of me. I can't be worried about them or what they might say when I left. Today I had to do what was best for my broken heart and that was to come home and let the tears flow and the grief just wash over me.
The amazing thing is that I have cried myself out I do feel better. My heart is still broken and I still miss my husband more than words can say. But crying is good for my soul and I needed it today. I also connected with a few of my widow friends who I knew would understand and completely not judge. They all said the same thing.  Cry. Do what you need to do to take care of you. That is the beauty of the support of my widow group that they understand, they do not judge, and they're always willing to listen. It is very sad that there are so many of us in this unwanted club but at least we are not alone and we have each other as we walk along this journey.
The reality slapped me in the face today as the one year anniversary approaches.   My husband is really never coming back and I'm going to have to live without him the rest of my life.
There's something about marking the first anniversary that makes it all too real. Not just for me but also for my son. My 11 year old has been struggling this last week as well and I think it's because he's realized exactly what never means. And when I look at my future without my husband, without the love of my life, without the father of my child I think yeah that sucks. This is the not the life I chose. This is not the life I want. I feel like I was dealt a really shitty hand and unfortunately now I must play the hand I was dealt. And today that hand including giving into the tsunami of grief.