Today you have been gone for 1 year.
365 days.
8,760 hours.
525,600 minutes.
3,1536,000 seconds.
A lifetime.
I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.
How is it even possible that I survived this year without you? If someone had told me that I could this, I would do this, that I would survive, I would have laughed. Living without you is the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a solo parent to a little boy who misses his dad is some times to much to bear. Going to work when all I want to do is cry takes a lot of determination.
You were always my strength. Watching you fight for your life and never giving up, gave me strength. And now you're not here. I feel as if sometimes you took all my strength with you.
I know I promised you I would live and I will but right now I'm not sure how. I made it through the first year just trying to survive Jared. I survived something I never thought I could. I did it without my love, without my best friend, without my partner. I get up every day and take care of myself, of Steven, of our house. I did what I had to do everyday so that every night I could come home to an empty house and miss you. Not a night goes by that I don't tell you goodnight. Not a day goes by that I don't say good morning to you when I first wake up.
Even though you are no longer here, you are still an integral part of my life. Our hearts are still in love. Our lives are still intertwined. Happy times I still want to share with you. Sad times I still want you to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I still think of you first when there is news to share.
A year ago at this time, my whole world changed. Life as I know it ended. It's as if God reach down and closed the book and said Carla this one is finished, you have to find a new one to write. I'm not ready to write a new book yet. I still want to write our story. But what I have learned is that you will always be a part of my story. As long as I'm breathing your memory will stay alive, your name will be spoken, you will not be forgotten. I will love you till my dying breath. Just as you loved me till yours.
Knowing you are in heaven, breathing easy with the angel gives me some comfort. As much as I rejoice in the knowledge that you are home with God, I still wish you were here with me. And that may be selfish but it's true. I would give anything anything in this world to have you back. But I know that's not possible. That realization slapped me in the face a year ago today. But since you can't come back, I hope you're proud of me. I hope you're proud of how I have survived. I know you're watching over me and the little boy. I feel you around us all the time. And I hope, hope that you will be proud of me as I begin my journey to live whatever that may be.
I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.
Today you have been gone for 1 year.
365 days.
8,760 hours.
525,600 minutes.
3,1536,000 seconds.
A lifetime.
But thankfully you left me with a lifetime of memories.
I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.
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