The Night My World Changed

I will never forget the night Jared died.
The night I held him in my arms as he took his last breath.
The night my world changed.

Going to bed that night, hugging Jared’s pillow.  My heart shattered in a way I never imagined possible. Wishing God had just taken us all together.  Finally crying myself to sleep.  Waking up the next morning thinking it was all a terrible dream.  Only to realize my nightmare was real.  My husband was dead.  I was a widow.  A young widow with a 10 year old son to raise.  All by myself.  Solo.  Because the man who used to share that responsibility with me had gone home to heaven.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?
How could I go on living without Jared?
Would anything ever feel normal again?  And what was normal now that my life had been turned upside down?

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I realized that I was numb.  That I was walking thru life, surviving but not living.  Then the numbness wore off.  And suddenly I felt hopeless. Terrified I would mess everything up and Steven would suffer because of it.  Completely unsure how to do this thing called life alone.  

But thankfully I had amazing friends and my widow tribe to see me through.  And with a lot of work and time, my grief changed.  It never got better.  But it did get easier to manage.  Eventually, I could smile at the memories instead of cry.  I could be thankful for what was instead of just missing what would never be.  I could start to think about living again.  Begin to discover who I was now and who I wanted to be.

None of that happened overnight.  And it didn’t happen easily.  I still have bad days.  Bad moments in good days.  Am brought to my knees by unexpected grief triggers.  But I recover better now.  Pick myself up faster now.  Remind myself I want to make Jared proud.  I still have a purpose.  A life to live.

Despite my resistance, I started to heal.  Wanted to live. To be happy again.  To look forward to my next adventure.   And I decided to trust myself.  To allow myself to feel again.  To begin again.   Yes, my heart will always have a scar.  A place that will always carry Jared’s love.  But it is able to beat again.

I will never forget the night Jared died.
Or how much I wanted to die too.
But I’m grateful I trusted in God’s plan.
And now I am doing more than surviving. I’m thriving.
And I know Jared would be proud.

I Thee Wed

On this day, I thee wed.

I never imagined those words would apply to me twice in my lifetime. When I married Jared, I knew I would someday be his widow. But at that time I had no idea what it would mean.  I didn’t know how it would feel.  And when he died, I certainly never thought that I would find love again.  And then came Jon.  My new beginning.  My love.  My happily even after.

Jon came into my life by complete surprise.  I wasn’t looking for love but there he was. A handsome stranger opened my heart to love.  He sat down beside me and forever changed my life. We talked about my tattoo and the word widow didn’t scare him.  He didn’t look at me with pity.  He wanted to know my story, all of it.  Then he asked me to dance and literally swept me away.

This handsome man danced his way into my life and into my heart.  His love is one of my greatest blessings.  He loves me.  For who I am.  Broken heart and all.  He loves me on the good days.  And he loves me harder on the bad days.  He is a great dad on earth.  Who loves mine and Jared’s son.  Who wants to help Steven with life lessons.  Who wants Steven to see his mom happy.  Who has no expectations.

He is not my second choice.  He is not a consolation prize.  He is in my life because he is supposed to be.  God sent him to me at just the right time.

Looking into his eyes as I vowed to love him until we meet again in heaven.  Holding his hand as I placed a symbol of our love on his finger.  Walking down the aisle as Mr and Mrs.  Feeling his arms around me as we danced to our song.  Laughing as we toasted our future together.  Watching a beautiful sunset on our perfect day.

This may not be how I planned my life but I wouldn’t change it.  With this ring, I thee wed.  And I would do it all over again.

Loving Two Men

When Jared died, I wanted to die too.  I thought my world, my life was over. If it hadn’t been for Steven, I’m not sure how long it would’ve taken me to get back to living.  But with a lot of time, work, and prayer I did get back to living. It doesn’t mean I didn’t have bad days. Or bad moments in a good day. And I still missed Jared every day. But I was able to enjoy life again. To appreciate the happiness in my life. To count my blessings. To no longer just focus on my loss.

And one day, I realized I wanted it to do more than just survive, I wanted to live. To live a life that would make Jared proud. A life full of adventures. A life full of laughter. And a life full of love. I had no desire to date.  And if I did, it would be after Steven went to college. I was terrified of the thought of having someone else parenting my child.  Steven has a dad. A dad who lives in heaven. And I didn’t want someone to come in and try to be his dad. I didn’t know if I could love someone new, the way I love Jared. I wasn’t sure my heart could expand to allow me to love again.

Then I met Jon.  And that unexpected encounter changed my life.  It taught me that I could love two men. That my heart could expand to love them both. I will always love Jared. And I love Jon. I love them differently. But I love them both. And I love that Jon wants to be a parental figure to my son.  I no longer have the fear of someone else helping to parent my child. Jon respects and understands Jared‘s place in our lives.  And he knows that there’s room in both of our hearts and our lives for him.

Deciding to live when it would have been easier to quit was one of the toughest things I have done.  But that decision lead me to new adventures.  New joys.  New love.   And it was a decision I will never regret.