Life as a widow

Life as a widow, what does it mean? Of course there are good days and bad days and days that have some good and bad. But when Jared died I never expected my life to be like this. 13 months later and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Or how am I supposed to grieve and move forward in my life. Or how am I supposed to become this new version of me while honoring my past. So much uncertainty and unknown in being a widow. But thankfully I have a wonderful support system to help me as I take this journey.

Many of my widow friends have shared that a lot of their friends from before are no longer their friends now. That their friends slowly drifted away over the course of the first year for whatever reason. But I must say that I am blessed. My friends who were my friends before Jared died are still my friends today. Those same friends who showed up in my house the night Jared that died to support Steven and I, those friends who droppeed everything to be by my side that dreadful first week, those friends who knew I was lost and didn't expect anything from me are still my friends today. Those same wonderful people make sure I know we don't have to spend the holidays alone. These friends are by my side if I need to cry, laugh, or just forget for a moment. These friends are not afraid of my tears. These friends will often cry right along side with me because they too miss Jared. My wonderful friends let me know its okay and more importantly show me that it is OK to grieve and to live. They are not scared by by my grief. They are comfortable sharing stories of Jared. They are happy to share their memories. And they want to honor my husband. And because of that I am truly blessed. Blessed to have friends who honor the in between. Who honor me for the person I was when Jared was alive and who are supporting me on my journey to find who I am now. Blessed that my friends 13 months later are still by my side.

I find it is actually people who never met Jared that struggle more. These strangers so to speak have no idea how to handle my grief. And I think it's because they didn't know Jared, they didn't love him. And because they didn't know him, they don't know how to respond to me. So instead they get quiet, fidget uncomfortably, or simply walk away. For me that is a much harder part of being a widow. Dealing with the strangers, dealing with the new people in my life. People who I want to share Jared's story with so that his memory never die but not everyone wants to be friends with a grieving widow and hear about her dead husband.
Life as a widow, it's hard. It's hard to honor your past while finding your future. It's hard to find those who will support you on your journey without passing judgment. It's hard to meet new people, make new friends because they didn't know the you before you were a widow and opening yourself up to new experiences can make you feel guilty. Guilty that you are not grieving enough. Guilty that you are happy, living, and maybe even thriving when your husband is dead and will never experience anything again. This journey is a challenging one. There is no road map, no right or wrong. Just you on your grief journey trying to figure out who you are now. And sometimes, sometimes we just have to stop and honor the in between. Remember who we were, try to figure out who we are going to be, all while focusing on living in the present.

Holiday Feelings

The holidays are especially hard for those of us grieving the loss of our great love.  Our world turned upside.  Our traditions are gone. Our family is missing a vital member.
Even though this is technically the second season with Jared in heaven, in many ways it feels like the first.  I was so numb last year but this year, this year I feel.
I feel lonely.
I feel sad.
I feel lost.
I feel angry.
I feel jealous.
I feel like a phoney.
I feel like my heart may truly break.
I feel like crying at the drop of a hat.
I feel like my child is suffering because his dad is not here.
I feel like I have to be strong.
I want to feel peace.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel love.
I feel...so many conflicting emotions.

Weepy day

I'm not sure why but today is a weepy day.
Maybe it is because the holiday season is here and Jared is not.
Maybe it is because Steven is talking more about his loss and that just breaks my heart.
Maybe it is because I am lonely, a void only my husband can fill.
Maybe it's because the reality and depth of my loss has hit me like a ton of bricks.
Maybe it because in some ways year 2 is much harder than your one.
Maybe it's because I have to find a new me and I have no idea who that woman is.
Maybe it's because I'm traveling for work and that is always a trigger.
Maybe it's just because when you love someone deeply and they die, it is a wound that never heals.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. A word very similar to why. Two words that are said often and neither provides answers.