Third Wheel

My dear friend is turning 40 next year and her husband is planning an adult only getaway for her.  My first thought was yeah, how much fun.  My next thought was crap, I will be the only solo person there.   Everyone else will be part of a couple. And then there is me.  

Usually I am good with being the solo person.  My husband was in the hospital a lot his last year so I got used to spending time with our friends with him away.  But this is different.  It's a 4 night trip. Planned for couples.  And me. The odd woman out.  And it will be so obvious.  I'm not sure I can go alone.  I love my friend and want to celebrate her but I'm not sure I can muster up the courage to face this trip without Jared.  I don't want others to pity me.  I don't want my circumstances to distract from her celebration.  I don't want to face it alone.  I told her I would see if a friend could come with me but if not, I would probably stay home.  I know she was disappointed.   She said she understood but I could see it on her face.   The but I want you to come look. The we won't be coupled up anyway look.  Then the but I understand look.

It's hard to always be the third wheel. To be the one solo person in a sea of couples.  And even if a married friend comes without their spouse, you're still alone.  Others ask about their spouse.  They can talk about their future plans.  No one is uncomfortable with them. The atmosphere is different for them.  And until you are the third wheel on a regular basis you cannot understand  And I hope you never can.

For some reason it is different when a small group of us get together. Then it is usually ok.  But when the group is larger with all couples, it is more difficult. I also find it harder when most of the group never knew Jared.  For some reason, with those who loved Jared I am fine but  with those who never knew him, I struggle. I wish I could have my husband back.  Especially for these events.  But I can't.

Instead, I will be alone at events.  I will often be the third wheel.  I will continue to try and fit in all the while knowing I am different.  And hopefully, one day I will no longer feel like the lone woman out.  

Even though I sometimes feel like the third wheel, I love my friends.  And I want to celebrate with them.  I want to make new memories with them while honoring my past with Jared. I just wish I could figure out a way not to feel like the third wheel.  The elephant in the room.  Maybe time will make it easier.  Maybe other solo people will join our circle of friends.  Maybe the next trip won't be all couples.  Maybe I will discover how to enjoy the moments without caring that I am the only solo person present.

These events were so much easier when I was part of a couple.  When my husband was alive.  When I wasn't the third wheel.