Time To Stop Being A Planner

I used to think of myself as spontaneous, even though I tend to be somewhat of a planner. I always plan our vacations well in advance because we have a timeshare with Marriott and if you want the best locations, you have to sometimes book a year ahead. So while I've always booked our vacation spot early I didn't necessarily book what we would  do. We would come up with a list of the must-sees while we're on vacation and then everything else was a bonus. We would wake up each morning and decide what we were going to do that day. And some days we did nothing. What Steven still lovingly refers to as a resort day.

But since Jared died, I find myself planning out my life. Not just vacations. But specific details.  Trying to put everything on a timeline.  In a tidy space.

And it hit me. I've become a planner as a means of control. I had no control over Jared's illness. I had no control over his death. When he died my world spun out of control. So planning became my way to have control.  To avoid the unknown. To not have to stop and think. And especially to not have to feel. If I planned out my life and I knew exactly what was going to happen and what to expect, there would be no surprises. Then I would not have to worry about my world spinning out of control again.

But I realized last night, that I can't plan everything. That I don't have the power to control and plan everything and everyone around me.  And maybe it's time to relinquish some of that control. To go back to being spontaneous. To just waking up in the morning without a plan for the day.  To just have faith and see what happens.  To just let go and enjoy all life has to offer.  To see what wondrous things can happen when I'm not planning out every detail.