Today marks 11 months since Jared died. 11 months since my world collapsed. 11 months since I felt safe. 11 months since I felt pure joy. 11 months...forever and yesterday all at the same time.
Yesterday my son told me he felt like daddy had been gone forever. That so much had happened since his dad died. Tomorrow my son will start middle school without his dad. Another first. Another first no child should experience. The silver lining in this loss is that my son appreciates each day. I was so afraid that losing his dad would make my son angry, bitter, and overall change his sweet, loving personality. But that hasn't happened. If anything, my son loves harder, deeper than he did before. And he laughs. When my husband was dying he told my son he wanted him to be happy. He wanted to laugh. He wanted him to play with his friends. He wanted to be a happy little boy. My son took those words to heart and tries his best to be a happy boy. That is how my son honors is dad.
I have not been able to do that. I have a hard time laughing and being happy. I feel happiness for others and laugh when appropriate, but laughing and feeling joy make me guilty. How can I be happy when my husband is dead? How can I laugh when I can no longer hear my husband's laughter? How can I live life to the fullest when my husband's life stopped at 37? How am I suppose to move forward with my life when my life as I know it ended 11 months ago?
I am no longer the woman I was before Jared died. I am living through the unimaginable and it has forever changed me. I want to laugh, feel joy, and like myself again but I don't know how to get there from here. How to bring my past into my future. How to take the first step toward healing without forgeting my past. I will never forget Jared and as long as I am breathing, his name will be spoken, he will be remembered, and he will be honored. But I don't know how to do that and heal at the same time.
Today marks 11 months on widow grief journey and I have more questions than answers.
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