Baby steps to healing

Big step for me tonight. My first baby step toward healing.  My first baby step toward living.

Jared's first angelversary will be the 16th of next month. I decided that we will focus on his life. Not his illness, not his death. So, tonight I cleaned his medicines out of our bedroom.  His medications have been stored in the corner of our bedroom for the last 3 or 4 years.  Medications stacked as high as I am tall.  Medications that were part of our normal daily life.  Medications to keep him from rejecting his transplanted lung, medications to help him fight infections. Unfortunately these medications couldn't prevent him from developing an infection in his good lung.  An infection that is extremely rare and difficult to treat.  An infection that killed him 6 weeks after his was diagnosed.   An infection that robbed me of my husband and robbed my son of his father.  These medications remind me that he was supposed to stay infection free.  They remind me of a future that will never be.  I reminder that hurts every time I see the stack.  So instead of painful reminders, I packed them up and put them in garage. Not ready to dispose of them completely but no longer need a constant reminder of his illness. Thus, the garage is the perfect compromise.  So, now the corner of our bedroom has his collection of books, more than can fit in the crate. Fiction, non-fiction, and textbooks. Yes, my husband read certain textbooks for fun. These are the memories I want to see when I walk into our room.

Packing up his medications was hard and I shed more than few tears but I know he was with me and he was proud of my first step toward living. Still not ready to pack up anything else of Jared's and I may not be ready to do that for years but today I was ready to pack up his medications in our bedroom.

Big step for me tonight.