We are in Rome. I absolutely love this city. I'm so excited to share it with my mom, Steven, Jon, and Alli. But my heart aches. The last time I was in this city I was with Jared. We honeymooned here and had our marriage blessed by Pope John Paul II. Coming back here without him makes me realize how much he will never see. How much he will miss. How very much our lives are changing. Jared would have loved to share the history and beauty with Steven. But he can't. So instead I am sharing my memories of the time Jared and I spent in Italy with Steven. Sharing our stories. Keeping his dad alive. Making sure Jared is never forgotten.
Standing on the steps, waiting to enter Vatican City, I could feel tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks. Then as we attended mass at St Peter's Basilica, I looked up at the stained glass, saw the eagle, and felt Jared in the sunlight coming through the window. His love was so strong, like he was there with his arms wrapped around me. And the tears freely flowed down my cheeks. Tears of sorrow for what can never be. Tears of happiness for what I was blessed to have for so many years. Tears that I was not ashamed to shed.
And as I cried for my first love, a man that I will love forever, my new love held me. Asked me to tell him about my time here with Jared. Told me to cry whenever and however long I needed. Understands that death does not end love. That Jared will always be a part of my life. And that my heart has room to love them both.
The duality of loss.
Embracing the bitter and the sweet.
Balancing my grief and my joy.
Honoring the past while moving forward.
Knowing that love never dies.
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