Widowed and dating.
Such a conundrum.
How do you date when you still love someone else? How do you open yourself to potential heartache? To potentially losing someone you love to death again? To moving forward when part of you doesn't want to leave the past behind? Yet, you are tired of being alone. You want to share your life with someone again. You no longer want to be a party of 1 forever.
Thus, the conundrum.
For me, it was not a conscious choice. I did not think I was ready to date. Did not have any interest in dating. And then I meant Jon. And all of that changed. Suddenly, I wanted to be in a relationship again. I wanted to be part of the team again. I wanted someone to hold my hand. Tell me I looked beautiful. Give me butterflies in my stomach. But I still loved Jared. I still missed my late husband. I still wished he was here to watch Steven grow.
Thus, the conundrum.
And then I realized my past and my future did not have to run in parallel. That they would intersect and intertwine. That I could move forward, build a new life, and find new love all while loving and honoring Jared. That the two did not have to be mutually exclusive. My love story with Jared and his death shaped who I am today. And will continue to shape my future. That my future with Jon would include Jared. Not in the physical sense, but that he would always be a part of our lives. Part of my story. And that's when I hit me. I love two people at the same time.
Thus, the conundrum.
Such a conundrum.
How do you date when you still love someone else? How do you open yourself to potential heartache? To potentially losing someone you love to death again? To moving forward when part of you doesn't want to leave the past behind? Yet, you are tired of being alone. You want to share your life with someone again. You no longer want to be a party of 1 forever.
Thus, the conundrum.
For me, it was not a conscious choice. I did not think I was ready to date. Did not have any interest in dating. And then I meant Jon. And all of that changed. Suddenly, I wanted to be in a relationship again. I wanted to be part of the team again. I wanted someone to hold my hand. Tell me I looked beautiful. Give me butterflies in my stomach. But I still loved Jared. I still missed my late husband. I still wished he was here to watch Steven grow.
Thus, the conundrum.
And then I realized my past and my future did not have to run in parallel. That they would intersect and intertwine. That I could move forward, build a new life, and find new love all while loving and honoring Jared. That the two did not have to be mutually exclusive. My love story with Jared and his death shaped who I am today. And will continue to shape my future. That my future with Jon would include Jared. Not in the physical sense, but that he would always be a part of our lives. Part of my story. And that's when I hit me. I love two people at the same time.
Thus, the conundrum.
It sounds crazy to say that I love two men at the same time but I do. But in completely different ways. I never thought I could love again. Yet I do. Equally but differently. Jared's death taught me that life is short. That it can change in a moment. To not waste a second of it. And because of that I think I love Jon harder, deeper. And I don't want to waste a moment of our time together. Even though I love Jon in a different way than I loved Jared, I love Jon completely. For who he is. For how he makes me feel. And it is a wonderful love. Yet all the while, I know a part of me will always love Jared.
Thus, the conundrum.
I always worried that when I did decide to date, I would compare my new love to Jared. But I have never compared Jon to Jared. Jon is his own man. And deserves to be loved in his own right. But because of Jared’s death, I also don't sweat the small stuff as much I did before. Things that drove me crazy all the years Jared and I were married, don't necessarily bother me now. Like dirty dishes left in the sink. Lucky for Jon, I have mellowed. I also thought I would NEVER want someone else to help me parent my child. Because he has a dad. His dad just happens to live in heaven. But now I see how Jon loves Steven and how he wants to take care of us and I think Steven is lucky to have him. Yet, I never want him or anyone else to forget his dad. I want Steven to always know how much his dad loved him. But at the same time, I want him to have a dad on earth, someone to do all the guy things that I can't do.
Thus, the conundrum.
Dating as a widow means dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions. Trying to sort out how to bridge the gap between your past, your present, and your future. How to come to terms with the realization that you will always love your dead spouse but that doesn't mean you can't move forward and find new love. That you don't deserve to find happiness. That you don't deserve to have a good life again. As widows, we have endured more than our share of pain and sadness. And we deserve to be happy again. To live life to the fullest. To find love again. And we shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Widowed and dating.
Such a conundrum
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