Christmas is winding down. My family has left. So now my house is quiet. For the first time in 3 days, I'm alone with my thoughts. Alone to think about how this holiday made me feel.
This Christmas was one full of love and laughter. We shared memories of Jared. We made new memories. It felt good to laugh again. Really laugh. This Christmas was also one of sadness. We missed Jared. Wished he was here. Made sure he was included in our celebration. This year the sadness of our loss was obviously felt but we also celebrated the joy of the season. For the first time since Jared died, we celebrated Christmas with our whole hearts. And it was a wonderful first.
Another first this season was my decision to live again. To move forward. And all the emotions that come with that decision. The excitement. The fear. The nervousness. The anxiety. The insecurity. I was surprised to discover that my decision to move forward brought out my insecurities. I typically think of myself as a self-assured, in control, take it or leave it person. But this new path on my grief journey has left me feeling unsure of myself. And that is a foreign concept to me. One I'm not sure how to handle. But starting a new path is scary and exciting. So I will forge ahead and deal with all the emotions.
Just as I pushed thru the holidays until I could truly enjoy them again. Until I could really laugh instead of just pretend to be happy. Until I could smile at the memories instead of cry. Until I could be grateful for the years together instead of focusing on what would never be. Until I realized that enjoying the holiday didn't mean I was forgetting. Until I figured out that celebrating Christmas shouldn't make me feel guilty.
This holiday season has allowed me to reflect on how far I have come in my grief journey. And just how far I still have to go. How navigating this new path will require me to face my insecurities. And realize I can't necessarily always be in control. Sometimes, I just have to let go and let life happen.
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