Unexpected Grief Trigger

Damn grief.
Damn unexpected grief trigger.

Here I am innocently cleaning out and organizing my kitchen and BAM the grief monster hits.

I found a bag full of cards Steven's classmates made for him (and some for me) when Jared died.  I had never read them before because it just hurt too much.  But today, with tears streaming down my face and with that ugly cry going on, I read every one.  

The sentiments were faith filled and heartfelt.   Things like "your dad will always be your angel",  "don't be sad, your dad is in heaven", "he'll always be in your heart", "I don't know how you feel but I'm praying for you", and "I think your dad is playing with my mom".   Many of the cards ended with Go Gators or I hope the Gators win.  Which made me smile thru my tears.  But my heart broke.  Broke for my little boy who's dad now lives in heaven.  Broke for all those children who now know that parents can and do die.  Broke for me.

I will save all these cards for Steven.  The love in these cards from 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders is astounding.

But the grief is ugly.  No one talks about the ugliness of grief.  It's not always silent tears running down your face.  Sometimes, it's loud sobs and ugly crying.  With swollen eyes and a red nose and the headache that follows.  Crying can be cleansing, therapeutic even but it is not always pretty.  But it is obviously what I needed today.  A good, ugly cry to cleanse my soul.  And gratitude for children who can express their emotions and show so much love.