Last Days

As I sit here, I realized that tomorrow begins my memories of Jared's last week walking the earth.  And I hate that this my journey.  That I am alone.  That I am widowed.  That I have to relive my husband's last days.  That I will again relive each terrifying second of the night my world changed.  And it SUCKS!  It makes me sad beyond words.  Completely heartbroken.  It makes me impatient.  A complete and total bitch. I naïvely thought it would be easier this year, but it's not.  In some ways year 2 has been much more difficult.  I wish I could ran away and hide until 9/17...but I can't.  I have to work because I have bills to pay.  I have a son who needs his mother (no matter how grumpy she is this week).  I just want my heart to not hurt so much.  I just want to smile at our memories, not sob.  I just want to be grateful for his life.  Be grateful for the time God gave us together.  Not focus on what is missing.  And I am grateful but I am also so very sad.  I am missing him beyond words tonight.  The one person who knew how to always comfort me is gone and my heart is broken.  So I will let the tears flow.  I will grieve.  Grieve for what I have lost.  Grieve for what will never be.  Grieve for the man who made my heart go pitter patter. But I will also be thankful.  Thankful for our love.  Thankful for our life.  I will try to find a balance between the dark and the light.  But I fear there may be more dark in the coming week as I remember a great man who made me a better woman.  I miss you Jared.  So much that it physically hurts.