Eyes of grief

One thing I have noticed since Jared died is that my eyes always feel heavy and gritty. You know that feeling like when you haven't slept and you cried for hours and your eyes just feel sticky and gritty? That's how my eye's feel everyday.  My eyes are the eyes of grief.

I was sitting in the car yesterday at a red light and I realized that my eyes have hurt, for lack of a better word, for an entire year. And I begin to wonder when will they ever feel normal again? Or will they ever feel normal again?  Will I ever sleep a whole night through again? Will there ever be a day that I don't have a sad moment in a good day? Will there ever be a day when happiness isn't just a fleeting moment but a feeling that actually lingers the whole day? Will there be a day where I can truly know what joy is again? Will there be a day where I'm not just happy for those around me or happy in the moment but truly happy?

I know the answer to all these questions is yes. Yes, someday I will find joy again. Yes, someday I will truly be happy again. Yes, someday my eyes may will not hurt. I just don't know when that day will be.

Until then, I will continue to carry on in my grief journey. I will work through my grief and find my path toward healing. I will never move on because that to me implies I leave Jared behind but I will move forward. Forward into a new life where I will always bring him with me in my heart.  Forward towards happiness once again.