Life as a widow

Life as a widow, what does it mean? Of course there are good days and bad days and days that have some good and bad. But when Jared died I never expected my life to be like this. 13 months later and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Or how am I supposed to grieve and move forward in my life. Or how am I supposed to become this new version of me while honoring my past. So much uncertainty and unknown in being a widow. But thankfully I have a wonderful support system to help me as I take this journey.

Many of my widow friends have shared that a lot of their friends from before are no longer their friends now. That their friends slowly drifted away over the course of the first year for whatever reason. But I must say that I am blessed. My friends who were my friends before Jared died are still my friends today. Those same friends who showed up in my house the night Jared that died to support Steven and I, those friends who droppeed everything to be by my side that dreadful first week, those friends who knew I was lost and didn't expect anything from me are still my friends today. Those same wonderful people make sure I know we don't have to spend the holidays alone. These friends are by my side if I need to cry, laugh, or just forget for a moment. These friends are not afraid of my tears. These friends will often cry right along side with me because they too miss Jared. My wonderful friends let me know its okay and more importantly show me that it is OK to grieve and to live. They are not scared by by my grief. They are comfortable sharing stories of Jared. They are happy to share their memories. And they want to honor my husband. And because of that I am truly blessed. Blessed to have friends who honor the in between. Who honor me for the person I was when Jared was alive and who are supporting me on my journey to find who I am now. Blessed that my friends 13 months later are still by my side.

I find it is actually people who never met Jared that struggle more. These strangers so to speak have no idea how to handle my grief. And I think it's because they didn't know Jared, they didn't love him. And because they didn't know him, they don't know how to respond to me. So instead they get quiet, fidget uncomfortably, or simply walk away. For me that is a much harder part of being a widow. Dealing with the strangers, dealing with the new people in my life. People who I want to share Jared's story with so that his memory never die but not everyone wants to be friends with a grieving widow and hear about her dead husband.
Life as a widow, it's hard. It's hard to honor your past while finding your future. It's hard to find those who will support you on your journey without passing judgment. It's hard to meet new people, make new friends because they didn't know the you before you were a widow and opening yourself up to new experiences can make you feel guilty. Guilty that you are not grieving enough. Guilty that you are happy, living, and maybe even thriving when your husband is dead and will never experience anything again. This journey is a challenging one. There is no road map, no right or wrong. Just you on your grief journey trying to figure out who you are now. And sometimes, sometimes we just have to stop and honor the in between. Remember who we were, try to figure out who we are going to be, all while focusing on living in the present.

Holiday Feelings

The holidays are especially hard for those of us grieving the loss of our great love.  Our world turned upside.  Our traditions are gone. Our family is missing a vital member.
Even though this is technically the second season with Jared in heaven, in many ways it feels like the first.  I was so numb last year but this year, this year I feel.
I feel lonely.
I feel sad.
I feel lost.
I feel angry.
I feel jealous.
I feel like a phoney.
I feel like my heart may truly break.
I feel like crying at the drop of a hat.
I feel like my child is suffering because his dad is not here.
I feel like I have to be strong.
I want to feel peace.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel love.
I feel...so many conflicting emotions.

Weepy day

I'm not sure why but today is a weepy day.
Maybe it is because the holiday season is here and Jared is not.
Maybe it is because Steven is talking more about his loss and that just breaks my heart.
Maybe it is because I am lonely, a void only my husband can fill.
Maybe it's because the reality and depth of my loss has hit me like a ton of bricks.
Maybe it because in some ways year 2 is much harder than your one.
Maybe it's because I have to find a new me and I have no idea who that woman is.
Maybe it's because I'm traveling for work and that is always a trigger.
Maybe it's just because when you love someone deeply and they die, it is a wound that never heals.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. A word very similar to why. Two words that are said often and neither provides answers.

All Hallows Eve

As Halloween approaches, I find myself missing Jared more than I do everyday.  I think that is because this year Steven wants to have a scary Halloween. Jared always talked about Steven's first scary Halloween and how we would have a haunted house, we all would dress up as people from scary movies, and we would scare the kids in the neighborhood. Well this year that is what we're going to do. We are going to have a haunted house, Steven is going to be a character from a scary movie, and Jared is not going to be here to see it. That is the part that always breaks my heart. The fact that Jared is missing. He will not be here to experience Steven's first scary Halloween but we are going to celebrate and enjoy the haunted house in honor of him. I just wish my heart didn't feel a little more broken.

I wrote the above post this morning before I took my son to school. At my son's school today is Trunk or Treat and I volunteered to decorate my trunk. My friend Katie took several pictures today and then sent me some photos with a note that said "I couldn't get a single picture of you today where the sunshine wasn't kissing you." And every picture she took of me, the sun was shining on me and no one else. For me that means Jared knew Halloween was going to be a hard time for us and he was sending me some extra kisses from heaven. He was letting me know that it's okay. That he wants us to enjoy this Halloween. He wants us to enjoy being scary. And I also figured he will be scaring me from above and laughing the entire time.

When we got home today, my son said he was going outside to his homework.  I look and his his sitting on Jared's memorial bench. And guess what? The sun was shining amazingly bright on him. His dad was sending him some extra love today too. It always seems on the hardest days that if I really pay attention I will see signs from Jared. Signs to let me know that he's okay. Signs to let me know that I'm going to be okay. Signs that he is always watching over us. And since my morning started so rough with my heart feeling broken because Jared was going to miss Halloween, some extra kisses from heaven was just what I needed today.

Lide full of grief

So much of my time now I find myself thinking about death and grief. And I realized I have never known life without death and grief.

By the time I was 7, I had said goodbye to my grandfather and my brother.   I didn't understand death then but I knew they were never coming home.
Not long before my high school graduation I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, the champion for my faith.
A month after my 21st birthday, I had to say goodbye to my brother Steve with whom I spent most of my teenage years.
When I was 32, not long after the birth of my son, my godfather died.
At the age of 34, I watched my father, the man who was my greatest teacher take his last breath. And 10 months later, my sister went to be with my dad.
At 35, my godmother died and a year later my niece was gone.  So much death for someone who was only 36.

And then at 42, my life forever changed.  I held the love of my life in my arms as he took his first breath as an angel.

Even with all the death and grief I had experienced, nothing prepared me for the grief of losing my forever love.  I was not prepared for grief that makes you physically hurt.  I had never experienced grief that makes you want to die.  I had no idea what to do on this grief journey.

With all the death and grief in my life, I knew the value of living.  And I found love. A love that was worth the pain of grief.  Even though I was not prepared for this pain, I am finding a way to cope and survive.  Because I have always survived.  And my husband would expect nothing less.

Tears of Grief

A friend of ours dog is very sick and is losing her battle with cancer. So last night I was telling Steven that Roxy's chemo is not working and that she's not been feeling very good. He looked at me and asked if Roxy was going to die. When I said yes but not tonight he got very quiet and then he said well when Roxy gets to heaven daddy will be there to give her pizza crust.

Then last night as we were getting ready for bed he just started to cry. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was just missing his dad and thinking about Roxy dying made him even sadder and miss his dad even more. And then he said to me you know what's not fair mom, Roxy's going to get to see my dad but I'm not.

It's those things that just break my heart. Those are the times that I wish God had taken us all together so Steven and I did not have to suffer this pain. Those are the times when I wish with all my soul that Jared could come back to us. And those are the times that I remember I'm helpless.  Helpless to fix my little boy's pain.

Death brings tears and sadness.  And the thing about grief is any death triggers it.  And we are helpless to stop it.  Helpless to fix it.  We just have to cry our tears and surf the waves of grief.

Not Getting Over It

When Jared died I got extremely used to people making idiotic comments. No matter how well-intentioned, many comments made my heart hurt. So many friends and strangers thought they were being helpful by doling out advice and platitudes but in reality all it did was make me angry and resentful.
 Often I would take the well-meaning advice when silence and just walk away. Reminding myself that they didn't understand and hopefully would never understand so they weren't trying to be mean. But they were many days when the words were just enough to push me over the edge and I was glad for my strength to walk away before I said something extremely hurtful to them. I remember thinking if one more person tells me _____, I'm going to punch them in the throat. Enough was enough. I was tired of hearing it. No words were going to make me feel better but certain words could definitely make me feel worse.
I recently had a coworker ask me when I was going to get over it. She said "you're young, you were pretty, you'll find someone else.". It took everything in me not to punch her in the throat. But this time I could not take one more platitude and walk away in silence. So instead I looked at her and said I am never going to get over it. And then I asked her a question that stumped her. I asked if I had lost a child, would you tell me to have another one to replace the child I had lost? She looked at me dumbfounded and said of course not, one child can not replace another. I continued to stare at her and finally said so why would you expect one man to replace another? She didn't know what to say and she just walked away.
While my life must move forward without Jared, I will never replace him. There is a place that will always be just for him in my heart. I don't even know if I will find love again. I'm certainly not looking for it right now. Right now I'm focusing on surviving every day. Taking care of my son who I know I have to be mother and father too. Watching my child grieve and his heart ache because he misses his dad and there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. Because if I don't take care of myself who will? I also have to take care of myself because my child deserves a mother who is going to be around the rest of his life. My heart will always hurt for Jared, there always be a scar across my heart from the wound of losing him. My heart will never truly heal. It will mend but it will heal with a scar just like any other wound heals. While I can  appreciate that people think there is a whole other life waiting for me out there, it doesn't necessarily have to be with someone else. Right now I'm focusing on myself and my son. And for right now that's enough.  I just wish all those doloing out advice could understand that.