I was with some girlfriends and we were discussing grief. I was telling them that when Jared died, I told myself I would mourn him, deeply mourn his loss for two years. For me that meant that during those two years, I would not truly be happy, I would not truly find joy, and most certainly I would not move forward with my life. I would focus on being Steven's mom and Jared's widow and that would be all I would do for two years.
Two years didn't seem very long to mourn the loss of a man I have loved for 16 years. But my girlfriend said what if you are hurting yourself by putting that time limit on yourself. So I explained that if I felt the need to increase my time that would be fine. But I absolutely, under no circumstances, would end my self imposed time of mourning early. I explained to them that in the almost 20 months that Jared has been gone I have found myself feeling very guilty when I have a really good day or a good week, when I laugh and when I feel joy, or the most terrible thing, when I don't think about him constantly. There are times that I will go an hour or even a few hours and not actively think I miss you or I wish Jared was here, or life sucks without you. And when I realize that I haven't thought about him for a few hours I feel incredibly, incredibly guilty. I feel like I have broken my vow to myself. My self-imposed promise that I would not move forward and enjoy life for two years.
Despite the fact that Jared made me promise that I would live, I put a two-year time burden on myself before I could find any true happiness or even try to live. But I must admit, I worry that because of my self-imposed time limit, that I am becoming very hardened. I find that when I meet new people, people who never knew or loved Jared therefore cannot miss him, that it hurts me and sometimes it even angers me. And often I feel that I can't include a Jared in the moment because they will truly never understand. And I worry that I am becoming very bitter. Bitter because if I don't grieve enough I feel I am not honoring my husband. Bitter because I don't know how to be happy without feeling guilty. Because at least when I feel bitter or hardened, I'm not breaking my promise to myself that I would mourn my husband and find no joy in life for two years.
When I was in Hong Kong last week, I realized I actually wanted to celebrate life and I wanted to go forward with my life, And then, I started to feel a tug of war emotionally and I realized it was because I felt I had broken my vow. A promise that no one else holds me too. I vow that no one else even knew about. But a promise that 19 months ago was important to me.
Why two years? I have absolutely no idea. I don't know why I picked 24 months. Absolutely no idea. But in some crazy ways I'm actually looking forward to September 16 2016, because although it will mark two years since Jared left this earth, it will also mark the time that I can tend to myself and end my time of refusing to enjoy life. Don't get me wrong, I will mourn my husband the rest of my life. I will grieve that man until the day I die. And I will love him forever. But, hopefully after that date I can allow myself to live, to be happy, to experience joy without the guilt. Because I will have served my self-imposed sentence of grief. I will be able to say I honored him.
No no one will be able to understand my self-imposed time limit of grief. And I wouldn't not even begin to try to explain it. All I can say, is often battling the demons inside yourself is much harder than anything else. Do I want to be happy again? Absolutely. Do I want to truly live? Absolutely. Do I want to find pure joy again? Absolutely. But I fear that if I experience any of those things before the magical two year day, I will not be able to forgive myself. What is interesting, is that if I needed to extend my time of grief I would have no qualms or guilt whatsoever for extending it. But if I want to shorten it by any means, even if just one day that guilt is very real. Sometimes I think the guilt is the devil. It is the darker side trying to come in and rob my heart of all the good. And I pray that God will help me find joy again. That God will help me to laugh. To live. And maybe even someday to open my heart to the possibility of love. . And I pray that God will allow me to do all of these things without becoming hardened. Without hardening my heart.
I find it's very easy with my friends who knew and loved Jared. Because they too miss him. They too feel his loss. But as life goes forward without Jared here on Earth it is very hard for me when I meet people who never knew him. To try to explain the man that he was, his sarcastic sense of humor, the dad that he was, the loving husband, all his quirks, and all the things that just made him the perfect man for me, and I find it very hard to try to explain that to someone that never knew him. I also worry that by talking about him wit h those who never knew him, I fear alienation. I don't want people to think there she goes again talking about her dead husband. I don't want to always be the 3rd wheel. I don't want to be the one to be invited because her husband is dead. I want to be the one to be invited because my friends want to include me. But I fear that I'm becoming hardened and I am pushing people away due to my own guilt. My own guilt failing at myself and my self imposed time of grief. I also worry people will be concerned of what they can and cannot say around me. Friends will fear they can't talk poorly of her husband because of my husband is dead. But that is not the case. Even though my husband is dead, I realize he was not a perfect man. And I talked plenty about him when he was alive. There were definitely days that I complained to my girlfriends about what an ass he was. And if he were still alive I would still be complaining to my girlfriends. So I never want my friends to fear that they can't complain to me. That's what friends do and that's what friends are for. My friends have been my rock me since Jared died. They have supported me, held me up, and let me fall. And as a friend I need to be there for them as well. But with my self-imposed time for grief, I don't know that I can be. I sometimes find myself looking for reasons to not attend events. For fear that I'll be the odd one out. That everyone's a couple and then there's me. Because it's easier to say I don't want to ruin anyone else's night then to feel guilty for having a good time. The sad thing is, I know if my husband were here he would be so upset. He would tell me to knock it off. To get over it. To keep my promise and live. And he would ask me why would you ever, ever tell yourself you had to be unhappy for a certain period of time? Jared was very rational and very logical. And he would never want me to hamper my healing.
I also fear that by ending my self imposed time of mourning, it may appear I am forgetting Jared or that I did not love him enough. I never want to forget Jared. And I don't want others to forget him either. I don't want anyone to think I love my husband less. I don't want others to think it is ok to act as if he never existed. I don't want someone to think because I am trying to move forward, I am over Jared's death. The battle between honoring my husband and beginning to live since his death is a difficult one. I feel as if I would be dishonoring Jared by moving forward before the two year deadline. And while I try to make the most of each day, I still feel that sting of how can i be happy when my husband is dead. My struggle is because of a vow I made to myself within hours of my husband's death.
I feel as if I'm rambling and this will make no sense to anyone but me. But it was something I needed to put down on paper. Something so that I could see it and realize that I have put myself for lack of better words in a prison of grief that I won't allow myself to escape from. And if this was any of my widowed friends telling me they were doing this to themselves I would try so hard to make them understand that it's okay to go out and laugh, to live, to enjoy life and to never feel guilty about it. But this is one of those circumstances where it's so much easier to say than to do. So instead I will work very hard at not becoming bitter, I will work very hard at not alienating those who want to include me, and I will work very hard at making new friends and sharing Jared's story with them. And when my time of imprisonment ends at two years, I will reevaluate everything. And I will decide where am I now? What do I want to do now? And at two years I may still not be ready but at least I will no longer feel guilty for trying.
No comments:
Post a Comment