Lonely, Dating, Married...So Many Questions??

People ask if I am lonely? If I am ready to date? If I still feel married?

Yes, I am lonely.  No, I am not ready to date.  Yes, I still feel married.

I watch sappy love stories on TV and I miss my husband.  I think I would like to dance with someone again.   I think I would like to feel that excitement again.  I would like to have someone waiting for me at home again.  But I want that someone to be my husband.  

Yes, I am a widow.  But I still feel married.  While I am Jared's widow, my heart still feels like his wife.   So, no I am not ready to date.  Even the thought makes me feel as if I am cheating on my husband.

Yes, I am a widow.  That doesn't mean I don't notice an attractive man.  I do notice but that doesn't mean I want to date one.  When Jared was alive I was a shameless flirt and thankfully my husband was not the jealous type.  But now, it just doesn't feel right to flirt.   When I see happy couples, couples in love, my first thought is of my husband.  Not that I want to find a new man.

Yes, I am a widow.  And being a widow is lonely.  It's hard to always be alone.  To do everything without your partner.  But it is a new life that I have been drafted into, not something I ever wanted.  But just because I'm lonely doesn't mean I need a man.  I am OK by myself, really I am.

Yes, I am a widow.   I don't know if the day will ever come that I am ready to date.  In the meantime, I will remember how I love to dance.  Jared was not a dancer but he would always dance with me at home.  He would pull me close and slow dance me around the house.  But when we were at any event that involved dancing, he would ask guys to dance with me.  Jared knew I love to dance and he didn't want to me to miss the chance to dance.

Yes, I am a widow.  My life now is not one of my choosing.  Given the chance, I would turn the clock back 20 months.  But, since time travel is not option, I am learning to embrace the life I have now.  I am learning to discover what I like, what I want to do, what makes my heart sing.  So even though I get lonely, I find taking the time to explore the solitude helps me to heal a little everyday.

So just in case you are wondering...Yes, I get lonely.  No, I am not ready to date.  Yes, I still feel married.  And yes, these answers are subject to change without warning.