I used to define myself by my roles. Wife, mother, nurse practitioner. But I do not want my widowhood to define me. That leads me to the question, who am I now? I will always be Steven's mom. I am a great nurse practitioner, I love my patients and they love me. And while I still feel married, I am no longer classified as married. I am now a widow. A badge I wear with pride. I was loved till forever, I was someone's last love and that is truly an honor.
So then, why I am feeling lost? I think it is because I have no idea how I want my life to look now. I love being a mom but being a solo parent to a grieving child is tough, harder than I ever imagined. And even though I am good at my job, I no longer love it. It no longer brings me a sense of pride, fulfillment, or accomplishment. Maybe that's because my perspective has changed? Maybe it's because being defined by my job is no longer enough? Maybe it's because when Jared died, a part of me died too?
I think my discontentment is from the inside. While I am fortunate to have a good job with great benefits to support my family, I sometimes wish I could run away and take a sabbatical. Take some time for self discovery. Take the time to work through my grief and begin the healing process. But, unfortunately, running away from my responsibilities is not an option. So instead, I am left trying to fit self discovery, grieving, and healing into my life as a full time working mom caring for a grieving child.
I pray that God will guide me on this journey and lead me to my joy. My passion. My purpose. Whatever IT is that will make me feel whole. Engaged in life. That thing that will once again make my heart sing.
For me, feeling lost and discontent is necessary to realize I am healing. I know that sounds crazy but at least I am feeling again. Baby steps. To finding myself. To healing.
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