Grief - 2 years later

The 2-year anniversary hit me much harder than I expected this year. I don't know what I expected, but I did not expect the raw grief that I felt. Maybe it was so much harder because I was not at home with friends and family who love Jared as much as I do. Or maybe it was just because two years is so very real. The first year I was kind of numb, grateful to have survived that awful first year. But the second year, that's real.  That's when you know he's never coming home yet life must go on. Our anniversary was also extremely difficult this year. I think it's because I was in a foreign country at a business conference and didn't get to actually celebrate our anniversary. Instead I had to attend a gala dinner. I came back from that dinner and went to my room and all I could think of was Jared and how, if he were still here, we would be celebrating our anniversary. And then I cried. And for the first time in a very long time, I actually cried myself to sleep.   

And I know Jared would not want me to be sad. I know he would tell me that I need to live. I know he would be telling me to get out there, take life by the horns, and make it my own. But knowing that, doesn't make me miss him any less. Doesn't make the ache in my heart feel better. I miss him and wish he was here every day. And this may sound crazy, but no matter how much I miss him, I am so thankful that his suffering has ended.   There comes a time and it is such a guilt-ridden moment, when you realize you are no longer praying for a miracle but instead you're praying for their suffering to end. That doesn't mean you want them to die. It doesn't mean you won't miss them everyday.  It doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It doesn't mean your heart won't break at every grief trigger. It just means that your love for them is more than you ever thought possible.   The moment when you realize just how selfless love really is.  I would take a healthy Jared back in a heartbeat. I would give up everything I own, to have that man walk back in the door. But I would never, never want him to have to suffer the way he did his last few weeks on earth.  

Instead I tried to find comfort that he is breathing with the angels. I know for certain that Jared is in heaven, that is something that I have never doubted it.  And it is something that has brought me immense comfort in these last two years. Sometimes I ask myself what is he doing up there? But I guess I won't know until God decides it's my time to join him.  Until that time, I will try to live a very full life. A life I can look back on and be proud of.  And I will teach my child that life is an adventure and that fear of the unknown should not keep you from living.  These last two years have taught me more than I ever wanted to know about grief  but they have also taught me a tremendous amount about strength and resiliency. And life. And love.  

16th Wedding Anniversary

16 years ago we said I do.

I never imagined I would be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary alone.
No special poems.
No sappy love notes.
No flowers.
Nothing to commemorate our special day.

Instead, I will celebrate our love alone, in a foreign country.

I will never forget the day we vowed to love in  sickness and in health.
A vow we always honored.
Or that vow that has a whole new meaning...until death do us part.

We loved the in sickness and in health.  More than anyone else I know.
But that death do us part, that is a sneaky one.
We honored our vows.
Even after your final breath, I still honored our vows.
But what do I do now?

I miss you, every second of every day.
I will love you till forever.

Thank you for allowing me to be your last love.
That is a privilege I will always treasure.
I pray I can always honor you and our love.

16 years ago today we became husband and wife.
Who knew that 16 years later I would be your widow?
Life can be unexpected and even cruel.
But I will forever grateful for the wedding anniversaries we celebrated.
For all the memories we made.
For all the love we shared.

Happy anniversary Jared.

I will love you till forever.

Taking Off My Wedding Ring

Today, I took off my wedding rings.
Not by choice but by necessity.
And I don't like it.
My hand feels naked.
Like a vital piece is missing.

I knew that the start of year 3 would be the beginning of my self-discovery.  But I didn't plan to take off my wedding set. But my travel to Brazil necessitated that decision.  I was advised to not wear any jewelry I didn't want lost or stolen.  So my wedding ring is safe at home.  And my finger is empty.  My heart is not sure how to feel about that.

Yes, I know it is temporary.  Only 2 weeks.  But it still is an odd feeling.  A rush of emotions I did not expect.  Our 16th wedding anniversary is Friday.  And my hand will be naked as I celebrate our special day in a foreign country.  I knew one day I would take off my wedding set.  Probably move it to my right hand.  But I hadn't planned to do it yet.  Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe my love is trying to give me a gentle push.  Or maybe it's just simply because of my travel plans.

But I know my love is not contingent on a ring.  My heart will always love Jared.  Whether I am wearing his ring or not.  My soul will always be attached to his.  Whether my finger has a ring on it or not.  He will always be a part of my life.  I don't need a ring to prove it. But it sure seems weird for my finger to be empty after all these years.

Today, I took off my wedding rings.
Not by choice but by necessity.
And I don't like it.
My hand feels naked.
I will let you know how I feel in 2 weeks.

Day 731. 2 years today

It has been 2 years today.  731 days.
How is that possible?  So much has changed, yet some things never will.

I will always miss you.
I will always love you.
I will always wish you were here to see Steven's accomplishments.
I will always think of you when something great happens in our life.
I will always think of you when something doesn't go as planned.
You will always be a part of our lives.

2 years ago today at 7:50 pm, I held you in my arms.  Knowing my world was about to change forever and helpless to stop it.  You looked towards the heavens and said “Do you see them Carla?”. I knew the angels had come to take you home.  I kissed you, told you how much I love you, how proud I was of you, promised Steven and I would be OK, and told you to fly home with the angels.  And you did.  You took the deepest breath and you were gone. I know I saw your first heavenly breath.  And though I wish you back every day, I am grateful you are breathing easy with the angels.

So much has changed in these 2 years.  I have less patience but more compassion.  I no longer care about the little things.  I try to not take anyone for granted. I am teaching Steven life's an adventure and should be lived. I am trying to build a new life, one that would make you proud and at the same time find happiness again.

I haven't completely kept my promise, but I'm trying.  When you died, I wanted to die too.  I felt like God should have called us all home together.  But a crazy thing has happened this year, I realized I want to live.  Really live.  And not just because I promised you I would but because I want to.  I want to live.  There is still a lot of life in me.  Still so much for me to see and do.  A whole world to explore. So many adventures to take.

My life will never be the same.  The Carla I was with you died with you.  This is a new Carla.  A work in progress.  But I can do this, rebuild my life, discover who I am now because of you.  Because of the love we shared.  Because of the strength you gave me.  You were one of the strongest people I have ever known.  You never let your disease stop you.  Never used it as an excuse.  I draw on your strength and love each day.  And because of the life God gave us together, I can slowly begin to build this new life. Thank you for loving me Jared.  Your love is my strength.

I miss you every day.  Everyday something  happens and I think I wish Jared was here. But I know you are watching over us, sending me signs when I need them most.  And I'm certain sometimes you shake your head in disbelief at what I'm doing but I also know there are times you say that's my pretty lady, I never doubted you for a minute.  I miss you Lovebug. Every single day.

2 years today.
731 days.
Forever and yesterday…

Year 2 day 7 of 7

Day 7 of 7

On Jared's angelversary eve, I will choose to remember happy times.  Days full of laughter.  His sarcastic sense of humor.  The way Jared would so casually suggest children do something Jared thought was hilarious but would be sure to annoy their parents.  Like the time he decided it would be great fun to put the neighborhood kids in Steven's inflatable ball pit and float them across our pond.  Or show them how to car surf.  Or borrow their ripstick and take off around the block.   And when he decided our 5 year old son should have a motorcycle.

At a party, Jared would always start off quiet and subdued but oh boy, once he loosened up, look out.  One New Year's he brought a pistol full of tequila to the party.  Or the birthday party where he went down the waterslide without spilling his beer.  And our wedding reception where he rode around on his friend's shoulders.  

Jared could be very spontaneous and I have so many fond memories of his “let's see what we feel like doing” attitude.  In France, he suddenly decided I needed to learn to drive a manual and preceded to teach me. In Vermont, he decided we should canoe across the reserve.  In Canada, he raced Steven down the mountain on these snow motorcycle things (I can't remember what they were really called) and wiped out at the end.  In Belize, the first time we went ziplining and he yelled “oh shit” as he repelled down.  

Jared was the yin to my yang.  He was quiet but once he knew you, all bets were off.  I miss hearing his laugh.  His laugh was so unique, just like him.  Oh how I wish I had a recording of his laugh.  So today, I will focus on the good.  The happy.  The mischievous.  The man who loved me until his last breath.  The man I will love forever.  The man who I miss everyday.  The man whose wit could light up a room.

Year 2 Day 6 of 7

Day 6 of 7

Today I miss Jared more than words can say. Today I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to share the load.  I miss Steven having his dad.  No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to fill the void of his dad.  And on days like today, when I am stressed and frustrated it is obvious that I have not perfected this solo parenting thing. But thankfully Steven has many wonderful memories of time spent with his dad. Like the spring of 2008, when Steven was not even four years old and the Grand Prix was in St. Pete. Jared took Steven down for the day and they sat on the bleachers and watched the races. Steven had such an amazing time with his dad.  Jared came back to tell me the story of how they met Danica Patrick. He said she walked up and started talking to Steven and was commenting on what a cute little boy he was. He said then two men approached her and wanted to talk to her and she told him to leave her alone, she was talking to the little boy. He said she finished talking to Steven and she walked away without even acknowledging those men.  Steven will never remember meeting her, but it was a story Jared loved to tell. Every year after that, Jared would take that Friday off and take Steven to the Grand Prix. Steven has so many memories of time spent with his dad. His dad coaching his football team.  His dad coaching his baseball team. Riding the dirt bikes with his dad. Playing catch in the yard. Sitting on the floor playing video games together.  His dad helping him with his homework. Their weekly trip to Joey Brooklyn's for pizza. Jared was a great dad.  And Steven will always know just how much his dad loved him.  When Steven was little, he would always say "me and my dad.". Me and my dad are going to do this. Me and my dad are going to do that. I always wondered if somehow Steven knew that his daddy's time on earth would not be as long as we would hope.  I will always be grateful that Steven has 10 years of wonderful memories with his dad. And I have scrapbooks full of pictures that captured those moments especially this one that captured their matching dimples.

Year 2 Day 5 of 7

Day 5 of 7

I have always loved traveling. When I met Jared, he had never been out of the US . I told him I had the travel bug and wanted us to travel frequently. Our first vacation ever was a trip to Gatlinburg where we not only visited Gatlinburg and Cades Cove, but we also drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and went to see the Biltmore Hotel. After that Jared and I made a list of all the places we wanted to see and when he died we had completed that list except for 3 places. Our first trip out of the country together was a Caribbean cruise. We were traveling with my family and we had a wonderful time except for the part where we the two of us and my nephew were left at Carlos and Charlie's and had to walk back to the cruise ship while the rest of my family went in a taxi. After that we traveled three or four times a year and eventually it became five or six times a year.  My all-time favorite trip is still when Jared and I went to Italy and saw Pope John Paul II and he blessed our marriage. That was truly a once-in-a-lifetime moment and something I will never forget. Many people thought when Steven was born, we would stop traveling. That never happened, we just took him with us. Steven took his first plane ride at 2 months old to attend my friends Benjy and Cheryl's wedding. Then when Steven was 6 months old we flew to New York City because I wanted him to see Santa at Macy's on 34th Street for his first Christmas. I know, a little neurotic. But thankfully my husband went along with it and we had a wonderful vacation in NYC. When Steven was 4, we took a family vacation to San Francisco and thoroughly enjoyed visiting that city and the Muir Woods. After Jared's second lung transplant when he was septic, we decided to head to Europe and visit Spain and tour the UK.   One of my favorite memories of that trip was when we were visiting a sheep farm and got to see baby lambs be born. Steven, who  was 6 years old at the time said  “mommy I thought I saw their penises but it was just their umbilical cords.”  All of the adults in our group cracked up. One of my favorite snow vacations was when we went to Mount Tremblant in Canada. We took a family snowboarding lesson and I was absolutely terrible. I will stick to skiing.  But Jared and Steven loved it and to this day Steven refuses to put on a pair of skis. Jared had always wanted to see Hawaii, so we went. And the water was freezing cold in April so Jared and I decided not to surf but we so enjoyed watching Steven surf . Hawaii was absolutely beautiful and we all have our first helicopter ride together on that trip. And then in July of 2014, we traveled for an entire month. We took a Caribbean cruise, a cruise around the Greek Islands, and spent a week in France. As you all know, when we came home from that vacation Jared was admitted and died six weeks later. Taking vacations and making those memories is something I will always treasure.  Life is an adventure.  Live it!