Goodbye to the walls

At 10:00 am tomorrow, our Gainesville house will officially belong to someone else. While I am relieved to be free of the payments, I am sad to say goodbye.

Goodbye to the first home Jared and I owned together.
Goodbye to the home where we began our family of 3.
Goodbye to the home where Steven took his first steps, said his first words.
Goodbye to the hand painted mural in Steven's bedroom.
Goodbye to Jared's man cave in the garage.
Goodbye to the dream that one day we would all move back to Gainesville.
Goodbye to the back lanai that was the location of many a fire pit party.
Goodbye.

But I will not say goodbye to the memories.  Because as a wise 11 year old told me "a house is just walls, your memories are forever.  No one can take your memories from you."

I will always treasure the memories in the blue house but our home is no longer in Gainesville.  And because of that , I can say goodbye to the house.  Because I will keep the memories in my heart forever.

Anniversary - celebrating alone

15 years ago we said I do.

I do to in sickness and in health.
I do for richer for poorer.
I do to in good times and in bad.
I do for better or worse.

We knew on that day, there were going to be times of sickness just like there would be healthy times. We prayed our way through the sick times and we lived our way through the healthy times. We knew there would be days when we would have excess cash to spend to travel the world and we would knew there would be days when we would have to live on a budget. We knew we would always have good days and unfortunately we would also have bad days.  But we were blessed that our good days out numbered the bad.  We knew sometimes it would be better and sometimes it would be worse but we made through all of it together.

Together.  The two of us loving each other through everything.  The two of us making our marriage a priority. Never leaving without saying "I love you."  Never going to sleep at night without a good night kiss.  Even when were separated due to work or hospital stays, there wasn't a night that we didnt speak or send a good night text. We agreed early on that we would never go to bed angry and we didn't. There were some nights we sat up talking for hours to work it out and work it out we did.  I am so proud of our marriage.  I can honestly say I was loved everyday, how wonderful is that?

I wish you were here to celebrate this anniversary with me. For 14 wonderful years we celebrated this special day, our day of love. Unfortunately this year, I will celebrate it alone. Last year was technically my first anniversary without you but you planned ahead and left me a wonderful gift. This year unfortunately there will be no surprise, no little reminder.  This year will truly be the first year I celebrate alone. Celebrating without you.  I'm not quite sure how to celebrate alone but I do know I will honor our love, our marriage, our vows.

15 years ago we exchanged our vows.

We vowed to love one another till death do us part.

Unfortunately, I know the pain of the grief that comes when those vows become a reality.  I know the emptiness and loneliness of outliving my spouse.  But I am honored that you loved me till forever. Death cannot end our love.  Today, I will celebrate our love.  Today I will celebrate us, I will celebrate our marriage.

Happy Anniversary my love!

Final Goodbye

A year ago today, we said goodbye to Jared.  I have never cried so many tears or felt so broken.  Seeing the church full of people who were touched by Jared, special friends who flew in just for the service, and Monsignor's homily were especially touching.  But seeing that casket in the church and knowing my husband's body was in it...there are no words to describe those emotions.  None.  A year later, I still cry if one of the songs played at his funeral mass are played at church.  Hearing the song brings all those emotions right back.

Jared's graveside service was heart wrenching.  All of our family and friends laid flowers on his casket and Steven gave Jared a Gator balloon.  When the service was over, Steven was devastated and just laid himself over the casket.  And there was nothing I could do for him.  Nothing.  Fr Jeff walked over and knelt beside Steven and started talking to Steven about Jared.  He told Steven how proud and excited Jared was when Steven was born.  He told Steven about his baptism and how Jared was so pleased to share Steven with God.  He told Steven how much Jared loved him and would continue to love him and watch over him from heaven.  It was one of the most beautiful moments to witness and Fr Jeff will always hold a special place in my heart for that.  For taking the time to kneel and comfort a 10 year boy whose heart was shattered and whose whole world had changed.

But the parts where I knew Jared was there watching over us were also at the cemetery.  First, Fr Jeff was stuck in traffic so I played Freebird (the one song Jared requested I play at his graveside) over and over again.  Then as Fr Jeff began the graveside service the heavens opened up and everyone was soaked.  So much so that Fr Jeff said "if you didn't think Jared had a sense of humor now you know better.".  And as soon as the service ended, the skies cleared up. Total Jared humor.  I remember my Goddaughter, Hailey had a share a coke with Jared bottle.  None of us have found one with his name on it since.  Just like him to try and comfort me on one of the worst days of my life.

One year ago today I said my final goodbye to Jared. But while his body may be buried, his spirit is watching over us. I know without a doubt, he is waiting for me, holding my spot in heaven.

Day 1 of Year 2

Today is the first day of year two. And you know what? Nothing is different. I do feel a little relieved that I survived the first year. But I'm still not sure who I am now. I'm not sure what I want to do now. I'm not sure how I want to be next year, next month, or in the next five years. I do know I have to live for me and at the same time keep my husband's memory alive. I do know I will go on. I do know I will live.  I know this because I have survived the first year. I have survived the unimaginable.

There are always those who judg.  Those who say you're grieving too long. Those who say you're not grieving enough. Those who say you're stuck in a rut. Those who say you're not living, you're not moving forward. Those who say you're not letting your children move forward. But you know what? Those people those "judgers" have never walked a mile in my shoes. They've never suffered my loss. They've never been on my grief journey.

So for all those that have supported me and said you're doing great, you're so strong, or I am so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you for realizing this is a very difficult journey. Thank you for realizing that when the rug is pulled out from under you and you have to start over you don't finish the journey in a year.

And for all those who judge I say go ahead and judge. You're going to judge me for something so go ahead and judge and I pray that you never have to walk in my shoes.

One year

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

Today you have been gone for 1 year.
365 days.
8,760 hours.
525,600 minutes.
3,1536,000 seconds.
A lifetime.

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

How is it even possible that I survived this year without you? If someone had told me that I could this, I would do this, that I would survive, I would have laughed. Living without you is the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a solo parent to a little boy who misses his dad is some times to much to bear. Going to work when all I want to do is cry takes a lot of determination.

You were always my strength. Watching you fight for your life and never giving up, gave me strength. And now you're not here. I feel as if sometimes you took all my strength with you.

I know I promised you I would live and I will but right now I'm not sure how.  I made it through the first year just trying to survive Jared.  I survived something I never thought I could. I did it without my love, without my best friend, without my partner. I get up every day and take care of myself, of Steven, of our house.  I did what I had to do everyday so that every night I could come home to an empty house and miss you. Not a night goes by that I don't tell you goodnight.  Not a day goes by that I don't say good morning to you when I first wake up.

Even though you are no longer here, you are still an integral part of my life. Our hearts are still in love.  Our lives are still intertwined. Happy times I still want to share with you. Sad times I still want you to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I still think of you first when there is news to share.

A year ago at this time, my whole world changed. Life as I know it ended. It's as if God reach down and closed the book and said Carla this one is finished, you have to find a new one to write. I'm not ready to write a new book yet. I still want to write our story. But what I have learned is that you will always be a part of my story.  As long as I'm breathing your memory will stay alive, your name will be spoken, you will not be forgotten.  I will love you till my dying breath. Just as  you loved me till yours.

Knowing you are in heaven,  breathing easy with the angel gives me some comfort. As much as I rejoice in the knowledge that you are home with God,  I still wish you were here with me. And that may be selfish but it's true. I would give anything anything in this world to have you back. But I know that's not possible. That realization slapped me in the face a year ago today. But since you can't come back, I hope you're proud of me. I hope you're proud of how I have survived. I know you're watching over me and the little boy. I feel you around us all the time. And I hope, hope that you will be proud of me as I begin my journey to live whatever that may be.

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

Today you have been gone for 1 year.
365 days.
8,760 hours.
525,600 minutes.
3,1536,000 seconds.
A lifetime.

But thankfully you left me with a lifetime of memories.  

I love you Jared. I will love you till forever.

Day 10 of 10

My love story

As I'm about to leave to go to church to honor my husband on the first anniversary of the worst day of my life, I am going to remember the happy times. I'm going to remember our amazing love story.

Today I am thankful for my love story. In 1998 I met Jared while working in the hospital. We made a bet and the looser had to take the winter out for margaritas. Needless to say I won the bet. We were enjoying  our margaritas when Jared said we should go out on a real date sometime. So the next Saturday we went on our first official date to the Kentucky vs Gator game. When Jared and I began to get serious I had many reservations because I knew he had CF and I knew what that meant for my future. I actually prayed him away, I would pray Lord if this is not the man you mean for me to have, please remove him from my life. But you know what he was still there so I took the hint and trusted God.

In September of 2000 Jared and I were married. We used to joke that we got married in 2000 on purpose so it would be easy math for us to know exactly how many years we had been married. December of the next year he received his lung transplant in August of 2002 we took our first international trip to Italy. Before we got married Jared had never really traveled out of the country. But now we travel all the time. We went on cruises to the Caribbean, we went to Europe, we went to Central America, and we traveled all over the US.

In May 2004 God blessed us with our beautiful baby boy and we went from our family of two to a complete family of three. Our life became so intertwined with each other. We truly enjoyed spending time with you each other, spending time as a family. When we would go on vacations we would all go. It never even occurred to Jared and I to leave Steven home with relatives,  a family vacation was just that... all three of us.

In July 2010 Jared received his second lung transplant. In the October he became very septic and almost did not survive. But the Lord gave us a miracle and he did survive. One of the big dreams Jared always had was to visit Scotland.  I promised myself that if he survived the septic episode that we would take that trip. So in the spring of 2011 we all traveled to Europe. We spent a week in Spain and then spent two weeks on a tour traveling all through the UK. We made some amazing memories on that trip and met some wonderful people. One of my favorite memories from that trip was when we were at a sheep farm in Ireland and we saw the lambs be born. Steven came running over and said "mommy mommy I thought it was their penis but it was just their umbilical cords." Everyone cracked up because there was a six year old little boy using correct terminology.

We took many trips together.  We traveled out west to go skiing every year, we would go to the beach every summer, every spring break we would take a vacation, everything Thanksgiving we were on vacation, if there was a school holiday we would use that time to travel and make family memories.  We zip lined in multiple countries, snow skied and snow boarded in more than one country, and played in the ocean on 3 continents. People would say you are the most traveling family I have ever seen.

In spring of 2014 Jared was diagnosed with chronic rejection. We knew what that meant but we were still very hopeful that we could find a center that would give him a third lung transplant. For spring break, we spent 2 weeks in Hawaii.  We surfed, zip lined, attended a luau, and took our first family helicopter ride.  Then we decided to take the summer and make lasting family memories. We went on a Caribbean cruise and then we cruised around the Greek islands which allowed Jared to fulfill his wish of seeing the Parthenon. We then traveled to France where we climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower, took a river cruise, and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with each other. One of my best memories of that trip was the night that Steven went to a pizza making party and Jared and I went to a wine tasting. Jared and I were the only two people who showed up for the wine tasting and we spent our whole evening tasting wine and just laughing. He tasted so much wine, Jared couldnt drive us home and I didn't know how to drive a stick shift so our resort took us home.  The next day Jared decided I needed to learn how to drive a stick shift and off we went in the streets of Paris and he taught me to drive a stick shift.  Loved that day.

When we got married Jared and I made a list of all the places we wanted to see. We made it our mission to travel enough and frequently enough that we could scratch all the items off of our list. We wanted to make sure the list was completed.   And after 14 years of married life, we completed the list except for three things. So Steven and I have decided to finish the list.

Our memories together are what I treasure. This amazing story.
My amazing love story.

Eve of the worst day

Tomorrow will mark the one year  anniversary of the worst day of my life life. The day I held my husband in my arms on our bathroom floor and watched him take his last breath.  The day I kissed him on his head and said it was okay to go home with the angels. The day I knew my world will never be the same. The day my world shattered. The day my heart truly broke and may never heal. The day I learned that emotional pain could physically hurt so much. Tomorrow will mark the day that I said goodbye to the life I knew and hello to the widow I never wanted to be. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of the start of a new life a life I didn't want. The life I would trade in a split second to have my husband back. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of a worst year of my life.
Just as tomorrow will mark the anniversary of the worst day of my life,  today marks the anniversary of a really good day. Last year on this day we had a wonderful day with the child life specialist from hospice who came and took family photos. Even though Jared hated having his picture taken he posed for those photos.  I think he knew this would be the last time he had his picture taken. He made a video for Steven and Steven will always be able to have a video of his dad telling him his hopes and dreams, a video that we have not been able to watch yet. One year ago today we sat in the living room and watched reruns of the Big Bang Theory for hours. Oh how we loved that show and would just laugh and laugh at Sheldon. It is one of the few shows I can still watch and smile.  When I warch it, I think of Jared. My mom and Jared's mom both came for dinner that night .  And then I was coloring my hair and  Jared stood up and said "is that my shirt you're wearing?"  When I said yes he said "ruin your own damn shirt.". That night we went to bed and I remember snuggling in the bed.  Jared said to me "I think I can beat this Carla, I want to fight, I want to fight and can get better.". I told him "as long as you want to fight I will fight with you." And then the dreaded day happened the next day. Who knew we would go from having a great day to the most dreaded day of our lives in just a short 24 hours.
Sometimes I think that's why the next day was even harder. It was a complete surprise. Jared had such a good day the day before that no one.. not me, not the hospice nurse, no one thought it he was going to be his last day.