Night Before My Wedding

When Jared died I swore I would never date again.  Never love again.  And certainly never marry again.  And then on November 19, 2016 I met Jon and before I knew it, I was falling in love.  Within a few months, I knew Jon was heaven sent and I was destined to spend forever with him.  Finding new love after loss brings so many emotions.  Emotions that cannot be explained unless you have been widowed.  When Jon asked me to marry him, I was filled with joy.  And when we decided to plan our wedding in only 11 days, I was filled with excitement.  And the night before our wedding, I was filled with so many emotions.  Love. Joy. Excitement. Sadness. Guilt.   I knew I wanted to marry Jon.  Spend forever with him.  But I also wished Jared could see how happy I was.  How much his love shaped me.  So I wrote the following...

As I lay in bed the night before my wedding to Jon, I can’t help but think of the night before I married Jared.  And how much has changed in 17 years.

I am obviously older.  And wiser.  I am not worried about the day.  Or the ceremony.  Or the guest list.  I am not focused on the wedding.  I am focused on the marriage. I am focused on building my future with a man God placed in my life.

I know we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I hope I remember that each day and never take Jon for granted.  That we never go to bed angry.  That we can always talk and try to resolve our disagreements.   That we may always respect one another.  That we may always be honest and truthful.  That we always remember to laugh and find the joy in the journey.  That we may always make each other and our marriage a priority.

And I know death does not end love.  17 years ago I said I do.  I said until death do us part.  But guess what?  Death only parted us in the physical sense.  I still love Jared.  Always will.  Death did not end our love.  Tomorrow I will exchange vows with Jon.  And that brings its own set of emotions,  Guilt that I am moving forward and have found love again.  Excitement at starting our new life.  And sadness for all that wasn’t and can never be.  Sad that I no longer have the innocence of that bride 17 years ago.  Tomorrow I will become Jon’s  wife.  And yet,  I will always be Jared’s widow.

As I lay here thinking about tomorrow, I am grateful to have the chance to love again.  To share my heart and my life with someone.  To no longer be alone.  And because of the love I shared with Jared, the life we lived, and his death, I will be a better wife to Jon.