Work in Progress

I am not the same person I was before Jared died.
I am not the same person I was the day he died.
I am not the same person I was 6 months ago.

I feel like a mosiac.  All the same pieces but put back together differently.   Not that different is bad, it's just not the same.

Who am I now?

So much of my life, especially the last 5 years he was alive was spent as Jared's caregiver, as his advocate.  And now that he is gone, I have no idea what to do with myself.  What to do with all time I used to spend taking care of my love. How to live as a widow, no longer being part of a couple.  Being the extra person at dinner parties.  Always being the solo person in a sea of couples.

What am I supposed to do now?

I am still a mother but I don't want to smother my child.  I also don't want to make him my whole world.  That wouldn't be fair to him.  He deserves to have his own life, to live and be happy without worrying about his mom.  Plus, someday (hopefully) he is going to move out and leave me and when that happens I need to have my own life.

How do I function now?

I am still employed and I'm good at my job but it is not the same.  It no longer fulfils me.  It no longer defines me. My job and the accolades that came with me used to be enough, but not anymore.  Now I need something else.  Need to find what makes my heart sing.

How do I fill the empty space?

That is the big question.  The elephant in the room that I must acknowledge.  I hope to find a means to tell our story.  Not just our love story but our story of faith.  Our story of trials and tribulations.  Our story of counting our blessings in our darkest times.  Our story of the gift of life.  To encourage others to donate life.  To ensure Steven remembers the legacy his dad left behind.  To honor Jared while I figure out how to live this new life.

How do I keep my promise?

That is something I am working on.  Finding a way to live and not just survive.  Discovery new joys in everyday life.  Counting my daily blessings.  Remembering that God has a plan for me.  Opening my heart to whatever my future holds.  I wonder if Jared knew what he was asking when he asked me to make that promise?  Somehow I think he did.

I will never be the same person I was before.  I am a work in progress. I can't wait to meet the new me!