Moving forward

It's been 18 months and there are some who are ready for me to be over my grief.

Those who say it's been 18 months, aren't you over it yet?

Those who say it's been 18 months, you need to be dating.

Those who say it's been 18 months, it's time to move on.

To them I say, it's my grief and I get to grieve my way.

I will never get over Jared's death. Never. Jared is an intrical part of my life. And his death changed me forever. The love that we share, will always be with me.  I will grieve and mourn Jared the rest of my life.  But that doesn't mean I will stop living.  I will take life by the horns and make the most of every second because my husband doesn't have that chance. I will LIVE each day to the fullest, but I will never get over Jared's death.

I am not ready to date yet. When Jared died I said never would I date again. 18 months later I realize I may want to date again and not be alone forever but that day is not today.  Someday my heart may expand and allow me to care for another person. But there will always be a piece of my heart that belongs to Jared. A piece specifically reserved for him. And it will take a special man to understand that.   A special man to understand that even though my husband is dead, I will always love him. And I am not ready to meet that man yet. I will know if and when I am ready to date. No one else gets to make that choice for me. And today is not that day.

I will never move on. I will move forward. I realize for some, that is just semantics. But for me, moving on implies that I leave Jared behind. And that is something I cannot do. Moving forward means that he will come with me. That he will always be a part of my life. My relationship with Jared shaped who I am today.  A wife, a lover, a best friend, a caregiver, and a mother.  All because of Jared.  I will always be his widow and that fact will help shape my future.  My love and life with Jared will be woven into the next volumes of my life.  How can they not be?  And because Jared will always be with me, I will do my best to move forward.  To honor the love we shared.  To honor him by living.  Live a full, wonderful life.  Treasure every second.  Take every opportunity to love.  Say yes to new adventures.  I will move forward.  But I will never move on.

Yes, it has been 18 months and I am not over it, I am not ready to date, and I will never move on.

Yes, it has been 18 months and I am trying to live, trying to laugh, trying to discover who I am now.  These things take time.  Take work.  But I am trying.  I am trying to learn to live with the death of my husband.  Who knows what my future holds?  Right now all I can do is try and find out.