We Are The Rememberers

As life moves forward, there will be an entire group of people that never knew Jared.  And that a painful reality because I want people to know him. To know his story.  To appreciate the life he lived.

As Jon and I move forward in life, people will think we have always been together. They won’t know that I had another great love. A man who taught me to love.  A man who deserves to me remembered.

As Steven moves to high school, his new friends will never know his dad. They won’t share any memories of Jared.   As we meet new people, they will assume that Jon is Steven’s dad. They won’t know that Steven’s dad lives in heaven.   They won’t know what an awesome dad Jared was.

As milestones in Steven’s life approach, I always think I wish his dad was here.  I wish Jared could see this.  As Steven graduates, gets married, has his own children, we will share stories.  Make sure Jared is included in our day.  Ensure Jared’s grandchildren know of him, if only thru pictures and our memories.

Part of my job as Jared’s widow is to keep his memory alive.  To be the rememberer.  To ensure no one ever forgets him.  And that responsibility is my privilege.

As life moves forward and new relationships form, there will be many people who never met Jared.  But because those of us that love him will keep his spirit alive, they can get to know him. He will always be a part of our family.  It’s my job to see to that.  To ensure he is never forgotten.  To remind the world of a great man who lived life to the fullest.  To make him proud of how we have lived and loved since he left.  It is not easy to move forward and live life but For me, it is the best way to honor Jared.  To ensure he is never forgotten.

Camp Widow and New Love

This weekend I attended Camp Widow.  And for the first time I brought a new love to camp.  I wanted Jon to see why Camp Widow is important to me.  To see how much it has helped me. To have a better understanding of my crazy widow journey.

And he fit right in.  My tribe loved him.  Welcomed him.  Accepted him.  He honored my past while being part of my present.  My future.  He knew I needed this time, this weekend, to rejuvenate my soul.  He understood that this weekend was about continuing to find ways to heal.  To balance grieving with living.

And I was doing great until Saturday morning.  Then BOOM!  I felt guilty. Guilty because I felt like I wasn’t missing Jared enough this weekend.  Guilty that Jon was there and Jared wasn’t.  Guilty that I was enjoying spending time with my husband at Camp Widow.  I know it’s not rational.  Guilt rarely is.  But still it was there, kicking my ass.

Jon and I had already decided that he would fly home Saturday night and I would go the gala with just my tribe. I liked that he was at camp.  Could share in this part of my journey. But I needed some time to sort my emotions. And I’m fortunate that Jon understood and respected that. Yet, I missed him at the gala.  Wished he could have shared in the living tribute to our loves.  That he could have seen how much honoring Jared soothed my soul.  That celebrating my love with Jared allows me to love him in a way I never imagined.

I felt guilty because I enjoyed having Jon at Camp Widow.  Liked that he could share in this part of my life.  Get a glimpse of just how much Jared’s death affects me everyday. But then I realized because of Jared’s love for me that I am able to love Jon the way I do.  Because of Camp Widow I have the tools and support to live in the now with Jon while never forgetting the love I share with Jared.  And I refuse to feel guilty for that.

The Love Of A Dad

When Jared died, I realized there was no one else on this earth who was going to love Steven like that again.  No one to share in the love of our child with me.  No one else who has all those same memories.  No one else to share in all those childhood stories.  No one else who would ever again love my son with the same emotions as I do.  And that is one of the hardest parts about being widowed.

Parents love their their children in a manner that cannot be explained.  And when Jared died, Steven lost that unconditional love of one of his parents.  Yes, others love him but no one else will ever love him like his dad did.  And even though my new husband loves Steven, it’s not the same.  He will never love Steven the way he loves his daughter.  He will never love Steven the way I do or the way Jared did.  And how could he?  Yes he will be an amazing parental figure to Steven but he will never love Steven the same way that Jared did.

And that makes my heart hurt.  My heart hurt for the child who lost his father way too young.  My heart hurt for the child who lost a certain innocence way too soon.  My heart hurt for the child who will never again be able to truly know the empowering, unconditional love from his dad.

Widowed life can be a lonely one.  Full of roller coaster emotions.  Full of realizations that make your soul ache.  But it can also be one of strength.  One of survival.  One of showing a little boy that while life will never again but what it was, it can be good again.  And that while he may never again hear his dad say “I love you Steven”, he will always be able to feel that love.  ALWAYS.

Sometimes you just need your dad.  And I hope Steven knows his dad is always there.  Just a thought away.

Not The Life I Planned

When Steven was born, Jared and I kind of laid out a map for his future. We knew things would change as our lives changed but the one thing that was a constant was that Steven would get a Catholic education. Unfortunately, our lives did not go as planned. Jared died. And that changed EVERYTHING.  And now, the one constant in our plans might be changing as well.

Steven was accepted to both Catholic high school and to the high school magnet program he really wants to attend. And now we face a decision. Which high school will be best for him? At which school will he excell? Which high school will best prepare him for college?

These all sound like normal, simple questions. With an easy answer. But that’s not so easy when the person you made the plan with is dead.  I can’t ask Jared’s opinion.  We can’t discuss what we think is best.  We can’t agree to deviate from the plan. And now I’m left wondering would he approve? Would he be OK with the decisions I’m making? I know in my heart of hearts Jared would just want Steven to be happy. He would just want what is best for Steven. The problem is, I’m not sure what that is. I know what Steven wants.  But is that what’s best?  Only God knows.  So I’m trusting Him.

All this school stuff is opening up so many emotions.  It makes me realize that as time marches on, the distance between my life with Jared and my life now will continue to grow.  And that’s a hard reality.  To realize that my life is no longer following the path Jared and I planned. Instead I am following a completely different path.  And I’m not certain how to bridge the gap between the two.  Plus, there is a new man in our lives.  A man who is a father figure to Steven.  Jared will ALWAYS be his dad but Jon is now a male parental figure in his life.  And there is a whole slew of emotions that comes along with that. So many emotions.  That are going to take me some time to process.  But eventually I will find a way to manage the two paths, lives, loves in my head and in my heart.

Not The Future I Planned

My life is not as I planned.

When I planned my life it was with Jared and Steven. It was going to be the three of us against the world. Forever.

Then BAM!  Death snuck in and changed everything.  And suddenly, my life was nothing like I planned.

And now 3 1/2 years later, my life is on a completely different track.

I’m married to a wonderful man.  I have an amazing bonus daughter.  My son is thriving.  But my life is not perfect.  Far from it.  And it certainly isn’t easy.  Despite or maybe because of the challenges, it’s a pretty awesome life.

Blending a family, especially a 1,000 miles apart, is hard work. Harder than I ever imagined. Becoming a family of 4 overnight. Dealing with sibling rivalry for the first time. Adjusting to married life after years of doing it on my own.

Working hard to feel like family and ensure that everyone knows what an important member they are to our family. Working hard to be a family adventures, disagreements, laughter and all.  We know it won’t happen overnight but it is slowly happening.

Learning everyone’s personalities. Learning how to mesh our likes and dislikes. Learning how to appreciate each other‘s parenting styles. There’s so much to learn.  

Trying to balance our time between much needed family time and couple time. Trying to forge a relationship with my bonus daughter when we don’t see each other nearly as often as we would like.  Trying to ensure that my son is handling all these changes and knows that we will never forget his dad.

We may not always get it right but we are trying.  Learning.  Working hard.  And we are a family.  A family that loves.  That laughs.  That bickers and disagrees. That’s what makes our family great.  We are real.

Because of the heartache, I can really appreciate the joy.  Because of the sorrow, I live harder.  Because I have known such loss, I love deeper.  This may not be the future I planned but I wouldn’t change it.

The Night My World Changed

I will never forget the night Jared died.
The night I held him in my arms as he took his last breath.
The night my world changed.

Going to bed that night, hugging Jared’s pillow.  My heart shattered in a way I never imagined possible. Wishing God had just taken us all together.  Finally crying myself to sleep.  Waking up the next morning thinking it was all a terrible dream.  Only to realize my nightmare was real.  My husband was dead.  I was a widow.  A young widow with a 10 year old son to raise.  All by myself.  Solo.  Because the man who used to share that responsibility with me had gone home to heaven.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?
How could I go on living without Jared?
Would anything ever feel normal again?  And what was normal now that my life had been turned upside down?

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I realized that I was numb.  That I was walking thru life, surviving but not living.  Then the numbness wore off.  And suddenly I felt hopeless. Terrified I would mess everything up and Steven would suffer because of it.  Completely unsure how to do this thing called life alone.  

But thankfully I had amazing friends and my widow tribe to see me through.  And with a lot of work and time, my grief changed.  It never got better.  But it did get easier to manage.  Eventually, I could smile at the memories instead of cry.  I could be thankful for what was instead of just missing what would never be.  I could start to think about living again.  Begin to discover who I was now and who I wanted to be.

None of that happened overnight.  And it didn’t happen easily.  I still have bad days.  Bad moments in good days.  Am brought to my knees by unexpected grief triggers.  But I recover better now.  Pick myself up faster now.  Remind myself I want to make Jared proud.  I still have a purpose.  A life to live.

Despite my resistance, I started to heal.  Wanted to live. To be happy again.  To look forward to my next adventure.   And I decided to trust myself.  To allow myself to feel again.  To begin again.   Yes, my heart will always have a scar.  A place that will always carry Jared’s love.  But it is able to beat again.

I will never forget the night Jared died.
Or how much I wanted to die too.
But I’m grateful I trusted in God’s plan.
And now I am doing more than surviving. I’m thriving.
And I know Jared would be proud.

I Thee Wed

On this day, I thee wed.

I never imagined those words would apply to me twice in my lifetime. When I married Jared, I knew I would someday be his widow. But at that time I had no idea what it would mean.  I didn’t know how it would feel.  And when he died, I certainly never thought that I would find love again.  And then came Jon.  My new beginning.  My love.  My happily even after.

Jon came into my life by complete surprise.  I wasn’t looking for love but there he was. A handsome stranger opened my heart to love.  He sat down beside me and forever changed my life. We talked about my tattoo and the word widow didn’t scare him.  He didn’t look at me with pity.  He wanted to know my story, all of it.  Then he asked me to dance and literally swept me away.

This handsome man danced his way into my life and into my heart.  His love is one of my greatest blessings.  He loves me.  For who I am.  Broken heart and all.  He loves me on the good days.  And he loves me harder on the bad days.  He is a great dad on earth.  Who loves mine and Jared’s son.  Who wants to help Steven with life lessons.  Who wants Steven to see his mom happy.  Who has no expectations.

He is not my second choice.  He is not a consolation prize.  He is in my life because he is supposed to be.  God sent him to me at just the right time.

Looking into his eyes as I vowed to love him until we meet again in heaven.  Holding his hand as I placed a symbol of our love on his finger.  Walking down the aisle as Mr and Mrs.  Feeling his arms around me as we danced to our song.  Laughing as we toasted our future together.  Watching a beautiful sunset on our perfect day.

This may not be how I planned my life but I wouldn’t change it.  With this ring, I thee wed.  And I would do it all over again.