When you are widowed, you are told how you should feel. How you should grieve. How you should react to the loss of the love of your life. But there are no rules for grieving. There are no should’s. There are no how to’s . And yet, everyone is more than willing to give you their opinion.

When a widow shares their feelings, their grief, there are those that applaud them and then there are those who tell them to hush.  It’s OK to be the appropriate grieving widow. But that should only last for so long. And you should really think about what you say so that it doesn’t make anyone else uncomfortable.

I call bullshit.

Unless you know the grief a widow is suffering, you know their entire story, you know just how they feel, you have no right to say anything. You have no right to shame them into silence.

Widows need each other. We are a lifeline that unless you have been widowed, you cannot understand. When my late husband died, I knew no one like me. I did not know any other person who had buried their 37-year-old husband. And then thanks to social media and a friend who had unfortunately buried her husband the year before, I was provided a lifeline. I found widows just like me. Not only did they let me know I was going to be OK, they let me know it was OK to want to live again.  Without the open and honest words of the widows who had gone before me, I am not sure I would have survived.

And now I feel it is my job to give a lifeline to the widows who come after me. I by no means have it all figured out. I’m learning as I go. I am totally winging it. But I want other widows to know they are not alone. That we are in this together.  And I refuse to stop sharing my words. If my story helps just one other widow, then it is worth it. Then my late husband‘s death will not be in vain.

Hopefully, most people will never know what it’s like to be me. To have loved and lost. To have suffered something I thought I would never survive. But I did. I not only survived, but I made it a reason to live.

And now, 4 1/2 years later I am in a place I could never have imagined for myself. I am remarried. Trying to blend a family. Trying to find a balance. Trying hard to be true to myself.  All while building a life with my new love.

And I hope sharing my story will give other widows hope. Let them know that there is no rule book on widowhood. That it’s OK to grieve however they need to in order to survive. It’s OK to share their sorrow.  And their joy.  And it’s OK to live again. 4 1/2 years ago other widows, most I had never met, gave me hope. And now I want to do that for someone else.