Not The Life I Planned

When Steven was born, Jared and I kind of laid out a map for his future. We knew things would change as our lives changed but the one thing that was a constant was that Steven would get a Catholic education. Unfortunately, our lives did not go as planned. Jared died. And that changed EVERYTHING.  And now, the one constant in our plans might be changing as well.

Steven was accepted to both Catholic high school and to the high school magnet program he really wants to attend. And now we face a decision. Which high school will be best for him? At which school will he excell? Which high school will best prepare him for college?

These all sound like normal, simple questions. With an easy answer. But that’s not so easy when the person you made the plan with is dead.  I can’t ask Jared’s opinion.  We can’t discuss what we think is best.  We can’t agree to deviate from the plan. And now I’m left wondering would he approve? Would he be OK with the decisions I’m making? I know in my heart of hearts Jared would just want Steven to be happy. He would just want what is best for Steven. The problem is, I’m not sure what that is. I know what Steven wants.  But is that what’s best?  Only God knows.  So I’m trusting Him.

All this school stuff is opening up so many emotions.  It makes me realize that as time marches on, the distance between my life with Jared and my life now will continue to grow.  And that’s a hard reality.  To realize that my life is no longer following the path Jared and I planned. Instead I am following a completely different path.  And I’m not certain how to bridge the gap between the two.  Plus, there is a new man in our lives.  A man who is a father figure to Steven.  Jared will ALWAYS be his dad but Jon is now a male parental figure in his life.  And there is a whole slew of emotions that comes along with that. So many emotions.  That are going to take me some time to process.  But eventually I will find a way to manage the two paths, lives, loves in my head and in my heart.