Camp Widow and New Love

This weekend I attended Camp Widow.  And for the first time I brought a new love to camp.  I wanted Jon to see why Camp Widow is important to me.  To see how much it has helped me. To have a better understanding of my crazy widow journey.

And he fit right in.  My tribe loved him.  Welcomed him.  Accepted him.  He honored my past while being part of my present.  My future.  He knew I needed this time, this weekend, to rejuvenate my soul.  He understood that this weekend was about continuing to find ways to heal.  To balance grieving with living.

And I was doing great until Saturday morning.  Then BOOM!  I felt guilty. Guilty because I felt like I wasn’t missing Jared enough this weekend.  Guilty that Jon was there and Jared wasn’t.  Guilty that I was enjoying spending time with my husband at Camp Widow.  I know it’s not rational.  Guilt rarely is.  But still it was there, kicking my ass.

Jon and I had already decided that he would fly home Saturday night and I would go the gala with just my tribe. I liked that he was at camp.  Could share in this part of my journey. But I needed some time to sort my emotions. And I’m fortunate that Jon understood and respected that. Yet, I missed him at the gala.  Wished he could have shared in the living tribute to our loves.  That he could have seen how much honoring Jared soothed my soul.  That celebrating my love with Jared allows me to love him in a way I never imagined.

I felt guilty because I enjoyed having Jon at Camp Widow.  Liked that he could share in this part of my life.  Get a glimpse of just how much Jared’s death affects me everyday. But then I realized because of Jared’s love for me that I am able to love Jon the way I do.  Because of Camp Widow I have the tools and support to live in the now with Jon while never forgetting the love I share with Jared.  And I refuse to feel guilty for that.