Birthday Changes

What a difference a year makes.  This time last year I was so deeply saddened that once again I was spending my birthday without Jared. And I could never imagine a day where I would once again celebrate my birthday with someone who loved me.  Someone who would be my life partner.

But this year all that changed. Seven months ago, I met an amazing man. A man who wants to love me for who I am. A man who is willing to walk my widow journey with me. A man who knows there are going to be hard days and sad days but still wants to be by my side. A man who wants to be a father figure to my son. A man who wants us to be a family.  A man who only wanted to make me feel special and loved on my birthday.  And succeeded beyond my wildest expectations.   

Do I still miss Jared?  Absolutely.  I will always miss him.  But that doesn't mean I can't love someone new.   Can't enjoy my birthday again.  Can't feel loved and special in someone else's arms. Can't move forward.

On this day which marks a new year for me, I am starting anew.  Making plans for my future with my new beginning.  Planning our forever.  A plan for which we have been praying and God gave us an answer this weekend.  A plan that I am excited about.  A future that I'm looking forward to beginning.   

This weekend truly solidified our relationship. Deepened our connection.  Proved that we are destined to be together.  The plans for our future will, hopefully, make the distance more tolerable.  As we look forward, we know where we are going and how we want to get there.   And without our time together this weekend, that may not have happened.  

A year ago I could not have imagined that I would be celebrating my next birthday with a man I love.  But that's exactly what I did this weekend.  It's amazing how much life can change when you open your heart to new beginnings. 

1,000 Days

1,000 days.

Today marks 1,000 days that Jared has lived in Heaven.

And it's my 45th birthday.

Only a widowed person can appreciate the irony in that.

A day that starts a new year for me also marks a milestone.  I used to think I couldn't survive one day without Jared yet somehow I have survived a thousand.  How is that possible?

1,000 days since I last heard his voice.  Last felt his lips on mine.  Last had his arms around me.  Last laid my head on his chest.  Last heard his laugh.  

1,000 days since he last sat in his chair.  Last ate dinner at our table as a family.  Last tucked Steven into bed.  Last kissed me goodnight.  Last helped Steven with his homework.

1,000 days since our world changed forever.

1,000 days since we went from a family of three to just the two of us.

1,000 days since we made a memory together.

1,000 days since we were planning our next adventure.

1,000 days since everything as I knew it came to an end.  

1,000 days since I learned what it really meant to be a widow.

1,000 days that have taught me to appreciate life.   To be grateful for every single day. To know that life is short and shouldn't be taken for granted.  To see the beauty all around me.  To choose to be happy especially on the hard days. To be slow to anger.  To laugh, a lot. To not sweat the small stuff.  To have less patience for bullshit. To hold tight to those who have been there for me.  To never say no to an adventure.  To realize that even though memories my fade, feelings of love never will.  To do more than just survive.  To make my life count.  To never regret.  To keep my promise.

1,000.  A lifetime of change counted in days.

Tearing Down The Walls

It's been a month since I last saw Jon.  The longest we have been separated since we first met.  And you know they sayings absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind?  Well I have experienced both.  For different reasons.  

The first few weeks were terrible, definitely absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I missed him to the very core of my being. But these last two weeks I have found myself disconnecting, becoming more of out of sight out of mind.  As the distance has gotten harder, I find myself pulling away.  Disconnecting.

It is a coping mechanism.  I learned at an early age that everybody dies. That eventually everyone leaves. And that lesson has been reinforced my entire life. Often when I feel myself getting close to someone, I either pull away or push that someone I love away.  I push to see how far it will take before they leave too. Another poor coping mechanism. A way to ensure that if that person does decides to leave, it won't hurt as much because I already expected it. It's a way of having a wall up to protect my heart.

When I first started dating my husband and our relationship got serious, I did the same thing to him. And I remember him saying you can push me away all you want but I'm not leaving. But eventually he did leave. Sixteen years later he died. A death that I always knew was going to come.  And sometimes now I wonder if I truly let him in completely or did I unknowingly have a wall up to protect myself.  That is a question for which I don't have an answer.  

And now with Jon, as the time between visits lengthens I find myself disconnecting.  Sometimes picking a fight to see if it will push him away.  I love him with all my heart. I see my future with him.  And that scares me. It scares me to think that I have given him my whole heart. Because I know, better than most, that eventually everyone dies. And it hurts to think that one day he will leave too.  So as the distance gets harder, I feel my walls going up.

But if I want to truly enjoy life with my new love, I have to let go of the fear. I have to tear down all the walls. I have to let myself love Jon without worrying that one day he will leave too. I'm hoping, because I recognize this pattern of poor coping skills, I can stop it. That I can let Jon in and love him without disconnecting. Without pulling away. Without pushing him away.  That I can just let go and enjoy him.  Enjoy the love we share.  And not have that worry in the back of my head, nagging me.  

I want more of absence makes the heart grow fonder. When the distance is separating us, I want to allow myself to miss him. Miss him with all of my being. And not put walls up to protect myself. But just allow myself to miss him and know that the next time I see him it will feel that much better.  It will be worth the distance.  Worth the time apart.  Worth risking my heart.  Because my future happiness depends on being able to love this man without unknowingly sabotaging our relationship.   And I do love him.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  And I have to trust that that will be enough.  And if the unthinkable should happen, I know our love will have been worth the pain.  

Here's to tearing down walls.  Refusing to disconnect and pull away.  Risking potential heartache.  Taking a chance on love.  Deserving happily ever after. 

Grief is a Craxy Thing

Grief is complicated. There is no rule book. There is no right or wrong way. There is no straight path from A to B. It's just a complete fly by the seat of your pants journey.

Today I was texting with my new beginning, flirting and laughing. And at the same time my heart was hurting because I miss Jared. How crazy is that?

Jared's birthday is next Wednesday.  He would have been 40.  And my birthday is the following Monday.  I am saddened that this is the 3rd year that Jared will celebrate his birthday in heaven.  And that he won't be here to wish me a happy birthday.  Yet, I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday with friends.  Crazy right?

We are planning a summer vacation, a cruise thru Europe.  I'm excited to take this family trip with Jon and his daughter.  But I still can't help but wish Jared could be here to take a vacation with me and Steven. I know, crazy.

So many times as I celebrate events or milestones in Steven's life, I am simultaneously filled with pride and longing that Jared could be celebrating with us.  Often as I experience joy, grief is right there to remind me who is missing.  Crazy, conflicting emotions.

Grief is complicated.  There is no clear cut path.  Yet, I found that despite my grief or maybe because of it, I can choose to be happy.  Choose to focus on the positives in my life.  Choose to remember Jared with laughter instead of tears.  Choose to love again because of my love story with Jared.  Choose to move forward and truly live again all the while knowing Jared’s spirit is never far away.  Grief is an unique journey.  And because of my journey, my life is better than I ever thought it could be again.  Crazy isn't it?

When To Pack Your Dead Spouse's Belongings

When do you get rid of your dead spouse's stuff? What do you do with it? Do you donate it?  Give it to family and friends? Save it?  All of the above?

One thing is for certain, no matter what you do someone will judge you for it.  There will be that person who thinks you put items away too soon.  Someone who thinks you waited too long.  Someone who thinks you gave away too much of your spouse's belongings.  Someone who thinks you saved too much. Everyone will have an opinion.  And will firmly believe they should share that opinion with you. But no one knows what is right for you but you.

Interestingly, those who have had the most (and loudest) opinions about my late husband's belongings are those who have suffered their own losses.  And should know better.  Should know that everyone grieves in their own time.  Should know that some reminders are necessary.  Should know not to touch or rearrange belongings.  And yet, they didn't.

I still have Jared's clothes in the closet.  His photos in our house.  I'm just not ready to pack his clothes up yet.  Nor is my son.  But we have set a date that we are going to embark on packing the closet. But what will we do with Jared's clothes?  I have no idea.  One day I would like to make a quilt of Jared's t-shirts for Steven.  Steven can already wear Jared shorts but the pants are too long. And by time they will be long enough, Steven will probably be too big to wear them. So what do we do with them? Most likely we will donate them to people in need. But we haven't made that decision yet. So far, the only decision we've made is that on our date we will put them in tupperware bins and decide what to do with them later.

As for the photos, there will always be photos of Jared in my house. He will always be Steven's dad. And no matter where our future leads us or how much our lives change, that is something that will always be the same. Something that will never change.  And I want to make sure Jared is never forgotten.  That he is remembered.  And that Steven knows his dad will always be a part of our lives.

But I am certain, that at least one person will feel the need to tell me how we should handle Jared's clothes.  When I should put Jared's photos away.   And you know what I will do? I will ignore them. Why? Because their opinion does not matter. The only opinions that matter are mine and my son's. And we will do what we feel is right when the time is right. And anyone with a different opinion, can just keep it to themselves!!

Unknown Future

When you are a widow in love, everyone wants to share in your joy.  And when you are a widow in love talking marriage, you are a hot topic. Everyone wants to know when and where.  But if you are that widow without any answers to the many questions, it can be equally exciting and frustrating.

Yes, I love sharing my journey.  How far I have come.  How I found joy again.  How I opened myself to live again.  How I allowed my heart to expand for new love.  I share my story because I want to give other widows hope.  

But not always having control over my future makes sharing my story difficult at times.  When others try to guess when a proposal will happen.  Or where it will take place.  Or  when the wedding will be.  I don't know the when.  Or the where. I only know one thing for certain...it will happen. Sometime. Someday. Somewhere.

The rest is not up to me.  I have no say in when a proposal will happen.  Or where.  But isn't that supposed to be part of the excitement?  Waiting to be surprised?  Yet, sometimes I'm scared to allow myself to think about it for fear of being disappointed if it doesn't happen.  I know my new beginning loves me.  And wants to marry me.  But I also know he is concerned about moving too fast.  Worried about our children not being ready.  Worried about repeating past mistakes.  

We talk about marriage.  We hypothetically discuss our wedding.  We know we want to marry each other.  But when?  Do we get married next year?  Or wait 2 years?  Even though we both agree that 2 years seems so long to wait.  We joke about a spring wedding on the beach but is that even feasible in 2018?  Not likely since a proposal probably isn't going to happen this year.  A future full of unknowns.

So then what?  I guess I wait.  Wait to see how the future unfolds.  Continue to share my story and keep others guessing.  And someday when that magical proposal happens, we'll start making wedding plans.  And decide on a date.  Until then, I just have to trust that my new beginning will know when the time is right.  For both of us.  However long that wait may be.  But our future together will be worth the wait.  Of that I am certain.  

Five Days in Five Weeks

I can't help but dread this time of year. Most people would think it would be the anniversary of Jared's death.  But the five weeks from Steven's birthday to Father's Day are the worst. There are five grief days, five trigger days in five weeks.  Five days that are a reminder of Jared's  absence. Five days that are a reminder of what will never be.  Five days that are a reminder of what was. Five days in five weeks.

First is Steven's birthday. This year it was a milestone birthday. He officially became a teenager. A day I wish his dad was here to see. A birthday that I wish Jared could have celebrated with us.

Next comes Mother's Day. A day in which I was spoiled, pampered, and felt completely loved.  Yet, I missed Jared. He gave me my greatest gift, my amazing son. And because of that, he will always be remembered on Mother's Day.

Then comes Jared's birthday. This year, this year he would have been 40. And I would have thrown him an amazing party. We will still celebrate with family and friends. Sharing stories of the man that Jared was. We will eat pizza and drink beer, because that's what he would have liked. We will celebrate his 40th birthday. But the guest of honor will be noticeably absent.

Five days later is my birthday.  We never really did anything big on my birthday, I usually had dinner or lunch with my girlfriends.  But Jared and I always celebrated our birthdays together.

Lastly is Father's Day. And on this day, we will deeply miss Jared.  Steven cannot give his dad a Father's Day card. He cannot shop for a special gift for his dad. Steven cannot pose for a picture with his dad. There's no giving Jared a hug and saying Happy Father's Day honey. Yes, we will celebrate Jared. We will talk about him and what an amazing dad he was.  And he will be missed. Missed because no matter how our life changes, one thing will always be the same. Jared will always be Steven's dad.

I am grateful to have so many wonderful memories.  So many days full of love and laughter.  Thankful for all the pictures and videos of those special days so Steven will always know what those celebrations were like.  But while I try to focus on the positive, remember and be grateful for all the birthdays, Mother's Days, and Father's Days we were able to celebrate together, I can't help but be a little sad that we will never get to celebrate those days together again.   That doesn't mean these days won't be fun, joyous occasions.  It just means I am aware that I will have sad moments during these good days.  Moments were my grief is stronger and needs to be acknowledged.   Moments where I will stop, think about Jared, and hopefully smile instead of cry. Moments where I will say I wish Jared were here.

Five days that are poignant reminders that Jared is gone.  Five days that remind us of just how much life has changed. Five days that remind us of what will never be again.  Even though we are in a good place again, happy, and trying to live life to the fullest, we will always miss Jared.  Five days in five weeks.  Is it any wonder why this time of year is hard?