Grief is a Craxy Thing

Grief is complicated. There is no rule book. There is no right or wrong way. There is no straight path from A to B. It's just a complete fly by the seat of your pants journey.

Today I was texting with my new beginning, flirting and laughing. And at the same time my heart was hurting because I miss Jared. How crazy is that?

Jared's birthday is next Wednesday.  He would have been 40.  And my birthday is the following Monday.  I am saddened that this is the 3rd year that Jared will celebrate his birthday in heaven.  And that he won't be here to wish me a happy birthday.  Yet, I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday with friends.  Crazy right?

We are planning a summer vacation, a cruise thru Europe.  I'm excited to take this family trip with Jon and his daughter.  But I still can't help but wish Jared could be here to take a vacation with me and Steven. I know, crazy.

So many times as I celebrate events or milestones in Steven's life, I am simultaneously filled with pride and longing that Jared could be celebrating with us.  Often as I experience joy, grief is right there to remind me who is missing.  Crazy, conflicting emotions.

Grief is complicated.  There is no clear cut path.  Yet, I found that despite my grief or maybe because of it, I can choose to be happy.  Choose to focus on the positives in my life.  Choose to remember Jared with laughter instead of tears.  Choose to love again because of my love story with Jared.  Choose to move forward and truly live again all the while knowing Jared’s spirit is never far away.  Grief is an unique journey.  And because of my journey, my life is better than I ever thought it could be again.  Crazy isn't it?