Five Days in Five Weeks

I can't help but dread this time of year. Most people would think it would be the anniversary of Jared's death.  But the five weeks from Steven's birthday to Father's Day are the worst. There are five grief days, five trigger days in five weeks.  Five days that are a reminder of Jared's  absence. Five days that are a reminder of what will never be.  Five days that are a reminder of what was. Five days in five weeks.

First is Steven's birthday. This year it was a milestone birthday. He officially became a teenager. A day I wish his dad was here to see. A birthday that I wish Jared could have celebrated with us.

Next comes Mother's Day. A day in which I was spoiled, pampered, and felt completely loved.  Yet, I missed Jared. He gave me my greatest gift, my amazing son. And because of that, he will always be remembered on Mother's Day.

Then comes Jared's birthday. This year, this year he would have been 40. And I would have thrown him an amazing party. We will still celebrate with family and friends. Sharing stories of the man that Jared was. We will eat pizza and drink beer, because that's what he would have liked. We will celebrate his 40th birthday. But the guest of honor will be noticeably absent.

Five days later is my birthday.  We never really did anything big on my birthday, I usually had dinner or lunch with my girlfriends.  But Jared and I always celebrated our birthdays together.

Lastly is Father's Day. And on this day, we will deeply miss Jared.  Steven cannot give his dad a Father's Day card. He cannot shop for a special gift for his dad. Steven cannot pose for a picture with his dad. There's no giving Jared a hug and saying Happy Father's Day honey. Yes, we will celebrate Jared. We will talk about him and what an amazing dad he was.  And he will be missed. Missed because no matter how our life changes, one thing will always be the same. Jared will always be Steven's dad.

I am grateful to have so many wonderful memories.  So many days full of love and laughter.  Thankful for all the pictures and videos of those special days so Steven will always know what those celebrations were like.  But while I try to focus on the positive, remember and be grateful for all the birthdays, Mother's Days, and Father's Days we were able to celebrate together, I can't help but be a little sad that we will never get to celebrate those days together again.   That doesn't mean these days won't be fun, joyous occasions.  It just means I am aware that I will have sad moments during these good days.  Moments were my grief is stronger and needs to be acknowledged.   Moments where I will stop, think about Jared, and hopefully smile instead of cry. Moments where I will say I wish Jared were here.

Five days that are poignant reminders that Jared is gone.  Five days that remind us of just how much life has changed. Five days that remind us of what will never be again.  Even though we are in a good place again, happy, and trying to live life to the fullest, we will always miss Jared.  Five days in five weeks.  Is it any wonder why this time of year is hard?