Bittersweet Moments

On Easter Sunday,  I snapped a photo of my new beginning teaching my son how to tie a tie.  And it was a beautiful moment.  I love everything that picture represented.  But it was also bittersweet.  Because my next thought was I wish Jared was here to do this with Steven.  The story of my life as a widowed mom.   

While I am excited for my future with Jon and our future as a family, there will always be times that I wish Jared could be here. Wish that Steven had the opportunity to do father-son things with his dad. Wish that Steven would have the opportunity for Jared to teach him certain life lessons that boys usually learn from their dads.  Wish that Jared was here to celebrate the milestones in Steven's life.  Wish that Steven had the chance to just talk to his dad.

I have come to realize that while Jared will always be Steven's dad, he is never coming back.  Yes, he will always be Steven's dad, his dad in heaven but Steven needs a dad on earth.  And I am grateful Jon is here to fill that role in Steven's life.  That he wants to fill that role. But most importantly, that he understands that Jared will always be Steven's dad.  And that there will always be times when Steven misses his dad. And Jon absolutely understands that.  He understands that certain events, occasions, milestones will be bittersweet.  That even though we will be celebrating together, Steven and I will wish his dad could be there too.

Life will forever have bittersweet moments.   But we get to decide how to address and handle those times.  We get to choose to make sure the bitter does not outweigh the sweet.  To realize that we should hold on tight to those sweet moments and be grateful that we have those moments to celebrate.  And know that Jared is celebrating too.  

Steven was blessed to have 10 years with his dad.  What I wouldn't give for him to have just one more.  But that's not possible.  So instead, I will make sure he never forgets his dad.  That his dad continues to live on through our stories and memories.  That we continue to honor Jared.  That Steven knows it's ok to celebrate new achievements while wishing his dad could be there.   That he knows it is ok to be happy with his new life.  That he knows having a relationship with Jon is not betraying his dad. That he knows there is room in his heart for him to always love his dad and room for Jon.

As a widow mom I just want my son to be happy and welll adjusted.  And teaching him to embrace the bitter and the sweet is a way to start.  Bittersweet moments are a recurring theme in the life of a widow mom.